GET TO OUR GAME

GTOPG: Their Top Was Heavier Than Our Top; Pens Lose 2-1

2012-02-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

By Artistry

You really can't make too much of the Pens' 2-1 loss last night to Anaheim. Forget the Ducks' record (they're somehow only .500 despite winning like 15 out of their last 17), and forget that they have Bruce Boudreau behind the bench (he's Bruce Boudreau). Any team with Corey Perry, Teemu Selanne, Bobby Ryan, Ryan Getzlaf and a hot goalie is going to beat you now and again. Don't kid yourself.

Not funny.

But you really can't make too little of it, either, and here's why: Evgeni Malkin was far and away the best player on the ice in this game, and it didn't matter. He deked, he dangled, he dominated every shift, but he couldn't beat Jonas Hiller. And that's why if we've said it once, we've said it a million times, you need not one, not two, but three threatening lines to win the Stanley Cup. You need to come at the opposition in waves, and what we saw last night was BIG wave, little ripple, little ripple, BIG wave. Not good enough.

Thoughts on the Paul Martin Effect after the jump...

- Paul Martin played poorly again. Let's get that out of the way. His weak pass from the half-boards to the point in the third period of a 1-1 game led to Teemu Selanne's game-winner, and no, we don't know what Paul Martin was doing setting up on the half-boards in the third period of a 1-1 game. But Paul Martin's poor play has a funny way of making people gloss over the equally glaring mistakes of other defensemen. Nothing compelled Matt Niskanen to move further into the offensive zone to collect Martin's pass. It might've been a better idea to retreat into the neutral zone because, you know, he was the only defenseman back. And, still distraught over his undressing by Corey Perry, Zybnek Michalek is curled up naked and crying in the bathtub this morning. But Paul Martin will carry the weight. He has no choice. He's the one with the $5 million salary. It doesn't matter how soft the rest of the defense is. This is the Paul Martin Effect.

The Cottonelle to Paul Martin's Charmin

- Much like Ronnie on Jersey Shore, Teemu Selanne is a "One Shot Bro" player. Contain him all night, but give him a chance like he got in the third period, and it's game over. The Penguins are more of a "43 Shots Bro" kind of team.

Will haunt your dreams

The Diminishing of Sidney Crosby

2012-02-14T23:40:00.003-05:00

By Artistry

You hear the same thing from every hockey TV talking head, from any objective fan, and from opposition coaches like Guy Boucher. There is one NHL player right now who is head and shoulders above everyone else, who skates on an elevated plane reserved for the immortals. And Evgeni Malkin deserves all of the accolades. With 69 points in 49 games, Geno averages 1.41 points per game. The next guy in line is Claude Giroux with 62 points in 52 games. But Malkin's dominance would be just as apparent if he were playing in a league where no one keeps stats. His re-emergence as a contender for "best player in the world" status calls to mind what Ken Dryden once said about Mario Lemieux: "Lemieux looks different. Lemieux looks dominant." That's Malkin right now. He has 17 goals in his last 17 games, and many of them have been of the jaw-dropping variety. Have you ever seen a black rhinoceros thunder across an open prairie? Have you ever watched a killer whale devour a walrus? We're talking about a force of nature here.

Of course, all this is happening as the Penguins, the league, and its fans, read the daily reports on Sidney Crosby, learn that he's skating and is no closer to a return, and don't think much about Crosby at all beyond that. It's not surprising, really. That long losing streak is ancient history. The top line of Malkin, Neal, and Kunitz has been unstoppable, the team is relatively healthy, and we're all tired of the endless speculation and uncertainty surrounding Crosby. Maybe he'll be back, we tell ourselves, but maybe he won't. Best not to dwell on what we're missing. Better to enjoy the spectacle of Malkin prancing around the offensive zone like a gazelle and consider: maybe Malkin's just better. Better than Giroux, Datsyuk, or the Sedins. Better than Crosby. As close to unstoppable as anyone in the league. On a level with any forward that's ever played. With the way Geno's going right now, whatever happens with Sid, even if he does manage to come back, we can't break up that top line.

Read on after the jump...

It's so easy to do draw that facile conclusion, isn't it? What Malkin is doing right now is intoxicating, and if you combine it with Crosby's often agonizing and extended absence, you might be looking for any excuse to forget. Too bad. Time for a GTOG history lesson. The year is 2008. Sidney Crosby goes down with a high ankle sprain. Evgeni Malkin rises to the challenge of taking over as the undisputed number one offensive threat for the Pens, piling up 106 points and 1.29 ppg and establishing himself as one of the top 5 forwards in hockey. Then came the encore: 113 points, 1.38 ppg, an Art Ross, a Conn Smythe, and some open, valid discussion: maybe he's better.

And then? Then Geno fell to earth, and Sidney Crosby turned himself into a 51-goal-scorer. In 2010-11, the pre-concussion Sid was even better. Much, much better. 66 points in 41 games, for a 1.61 ppg average. With Chris Kunitz and a hard-working gentleman named Pascal who has a career average of .2 ppg on his wings. To be clear, Sidney Crosby was on pace for 65 goals with Pascal Dupuis riding shotgun. Geno might agree to part with Chris Kunitz in the interest of giving a guy with Crosby's pedigree a legitimate top 6 winger.

Listen, maybe Malkin is better. We really don't care. They both play for the Penguins. We would just advise against falling victim to the Rule of Recency, where Malkin's play of late somehow diminishes Crosby's greatness, which we like to think is just for a bit longer lying dormant, waiting to be rediscovered. Never forget.

Incidentally, there actually is one guy who averages more points-per-game this season than Evgeni Malkin.

1.5

Bachelor Episode 7: Sun allergy? What sun allergy?

2012-02-14T21:00:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

[Listen to the Raw Emotion podcast here]

In our highly acclaimed Bachelor season preview, we pointed out something that no one else was talking about: Lindzi with a zi claimed to be allergic to the sun. On a show where at least 50% of your time is devoted to swimming with the sea animal of which you are most terrified, this type of affliction poses an enormous threat to one's ability to earn the fairy tale. So how has Lindzi overcome this affliction to not only achieve a level of tan-ness previously attainable only by Photoshop but also to earn the privilege of bringing a winemaker back to her hometown?

One eye on Ben, one eye on the sun.

Our belief? There is no allergy. This is your classic fake-allergy-for-sympathy situation, an unforgivable offense on a show where honesty is not just the best policy, but the only policy. And if you're not on board with our belief that Lindzi is an unapologetic liar seeking sympathy love -- after all, only Newt Gingrich would have the balls to break up with a woman with a sun allergy -- we have an alternative explanation: ignorance. Lindzi, you're white, and when you go in the sun for extended periods of time, your skin might get a little pink. It's not about having an allergy, it's about being white.

Anti-allergy measures.

A full recap after the jump...

This week's episode began as they all do -- Ben declares that he is on his way to finding love, but he just doesn't yet know the answers to who, what, when, where, why, or how. No matter, because this episode wasn't about Ben's love, but about Kacie B's love for Ben, as she declared in the opening, "I'm as in love with Ben as I can get." As are we.

Chris Harrison emerges and says, "Let's talk about how big this week is," then describes how it's virtually identical to all the other weeks, and then brings it full circle to say, "It's going to be a huge week here in Belize." The first date card has a play on words of "sea" -- get it, "see" --and goes to Lindzi. This evokes a range of emotions in the women. Rachel, Courtney and Emily feel envious, while Nicki and Kacie B. feel innvious.

"I'm so innvious of youuu, Bin"

Lindzi and Ben then overcome their fear of jumping out of helicopters into strange bodies of water with no lifejackets, which makes both of them feel like there is nothing they can't accomplish together. A useful feeling next time a landing module splashes down in the South Pacific in 1970.

"Lindzi, how could you forget to pack the CO2 replacement cylinders?!

To summarize the next thirty minutes of this abominable episode: Courtney is sad that Ben didn't give her the first one-on-one; Courtney is sad that she got a text message from "Ryan" but it turned out to be Phillippe not Gosling; Courtney confides in Lindzi about something hateable but unmemorable; Courtney cries that she wants a man to make her feel special; and then Courtney gets under the covers to cry some more. Meanwhile, on Emily's one-on-one with Ben, he tells her that she is very easy to get along with and that he enjoys chatting with her. Being the experts that we are, we knew that language like this was an ominous sign for Emily's fairy tale. Emily called it the best date of her life.

Ben: "I feel like I'm 11 years old riding with my best friend!"
Emily: "You are so totally in love with me!"

Back in the Living Room, the next date card arrives for Courtney and says something like, "Let's see if two halves can make a whole" or maybe "Let's climb the steps to our love." Predictably, this sends the women into a frenzy, not only because it was Courtney who got the one-on-one, but because THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DATE CARD MEANS! Steps? What steps? Where? Does that mean he's taken more steps with Courtney than with me? But we've taken a lot of steps? How many steps make a journey? I want steps.

Thankfully, we've used our inside sources at the show to obtain unaired transcripts of the Ladies' reaction to other date-cards that were tried out during rehearsals.

Date card for Kacie B: "Let's take a ride on the flip side"

Lindzi: "Omigod what does that even mean?"
Emily: "What is the flip side? Like, what does that mean?"
Nicki: "But I want to go to the flip side with Biiin."
Courtney: "I've already been to the flip side so many times."
Rachel: "Ride where? Like, WHERE IS THE FLIP SIDE? I don't get it."

Date card for Lindzi: "Let's write the first chapter of our love story"

Emily: "Omigod what does that even mean?"
Nicki: "But I want to write my love story with Biiiin."
Courtney: "Who even does that, it sounds so boring."
Kacie B: "I am not usually a jealous person, but I want to light myself on fire."
Rachel: "Do you have to bring a bathing suit? LIKE, WHAT STORY IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?"

Date card for Nicki: "Let's put the weight of the world on our shoulders"

Nicki: "I get to go out with Biiiiiiiiiin!!!!"
Rachel: "WHOSE SHOULDERS IS HE TALKING ABOUT? IS HE CALLING US FAT?"
Courtney: "Probably."
Kacie B: "I can't even lift anything."
Emily: "Like, seriously Courtney? Seriously? Are you even a person?"

WHAT CATCH? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!?!

On the date, Courtney effectively turns the show into the Bachelorette by lying to Ben about complimenting the other ladies and lamenting that the spark she had with him is lost. To regain this spark, she lies some more, then ascends the steps of a Mayan temple, declaring that with each step she takes toward the Summit, she sheds some of the baggage and drama that has enveloped her time on the show. Ben uses this moment to think about his Dad, and how proud he would be.

"I did it, Dad. I finally get to sleep with a model."

All we remember about the dinner with an extremely intoxicated Courtney is that Ben asks her about her "ability to connect with others" and whether she wanted to finger-paint or make pasta necklaces after nap time.

The group date starts the next day with Ben surprising the women by waking them up. We learn that some of them sleep in the same bed because that's not weird. Rachel monopolizes Ben's attention because she has a phobia of sharks. I ask Poise, "Do you fux with sharks?" to which he replies, "why would I?"

Great point.

As Ben gives his precious attention to Rachel, Kacie B. naively says, "this rose is not about hey you conquered your fear, I want to meet your family." Apparently Kacie B. has not been paying attention because she also said the following:

- "It's not like, hey your Dad is dead you get to be the Bachelor."
- "I can't just be like, oh my I'm so excited for this helicopter ride."
- "The rose is not about hey you need reassurance, and by the way I want to sleep with you."

Nevertheless, Kacie B. is able to overcome her fear of Rachel overcoming her fear of sharks by pulling out the trump card: "I'm in love with you," she declares in the hot tub. This gets her the coveted group date rose.

Spades trump love, but love trumps fear.

At the cocktail party that night, SIKE! Ben cancels the cocktail party which means that he means business. He pulls Courtney to the side to ask her why everyone thinks she's a raging bitch. To summarize her response: "I am a raging bitch, but I will have sex with you in the Fantasy Suite."

After Chris Harrison introduces the rose ceremony with the helpful, "It's been a beautiful week in Belize," Ben stunningly gives the first rose to Nicki. Lindzi gets the second rose and after Chris Harrison comes BACK to remind us that it is time for the final rose, Ben awards this prize to Courtney. Emily and Rachel erupt in hysterics, but Ben seems confident in his decision because in the immortal summarized words of Courtney: "I am a raging bitch, but I will have sex with you in the Fantasy Suite."

A raging bitch who will have sex with you in the Fantasy Suite.

[Listen to the Raw Emotion podcast here]

GTOG Podcast: Bachelor Episode 7 Recap

2012-02-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

Another episode, another outpouring of emotion. In this week's Raw Emotion Podcast, we discuss why Ben kept Courtney despite all the signs of her being an asshole, why he kept Nicki despite all the signs that she has zero chance of winning, and how he could let Rachel go. We also look toward next week's absolutely crucial hometown dates and predict who we will see in two weeks in the Fantasy Suite. It's raw. It's emotional. It's the GTOG Podcast.

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My lips taste so good with Sriracha

GTOPG: Malkin > Adele; Pens Win 4-2

2012-02-13T10:17:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

Last night, two all-world talents performed: Evgeni Malkin in Pittsburgh and Adele at the Grammys. Malkin had two goals while looking like a top-10 talent of all time. Adele sang "Rolling in the Deep" and looked afraid to hit all the notes. This is apropos of nothing, other than to say that Malkin would be a better singer than Adele would be hockey player.

You could have had it all

The Pens' first-line combined for 8 points and was completely unstoppable. Throw Letang in that mix, and it's arguably the best 4-man unit in hockey. Mathieu Garon was overwhelmed, Brent Johnson held the fort, and the Pens got two points that they needed, earned, and would have had no excuse not getting. All in all, a big night.

Hands.

Also, Bylsma finally split up the Martin-Michalek pair. Wonder where he got that idea...yesterday?

Our only concern, after the jump...

GTOPG: Zamboni Time Machine; Pens Light Up Jets, 8-5

2012-02-12T10:12:00.001-05:00

By GTOG Staff

If we've said it once, we've said it a million times about the random weekend afternoon games against bad teams: you try to accomplish two things -- pad the stats and don't get hurt. The Pens hit all the checkboxes Saturday.

Check.

- For those of us who enjoyed those games in 1988 when an AHL star like Jock Callander was capable of stickhandling out of the corner and roofing one when nobody expected it, the beatdown of Winnipeg evoked powerful memories of a time when defensemen were pylons and prime talents like Evgeni Malkin racked up 5 point games like they were taking a shower in the morning. The game now is probably better in many ways, but it's so systematic and regimented, it's inevitably less joyful. Watching Geno hop into a zamboni time machine, now that was fun. That's 485 points in 400 NHL games for a guy who, for about 100 of those games, played well below his capabilities. We haven't crunched the numbers, but by sometime next year, we suspect he'll join Mario and Sid on the list of the top 10 points-per-game scorers of all time.

Having bookends like James Neal and Chris Kunitz is useful. The Geno to Neal play off the draw has replaced the Geno-push-the-draw-forward-and-tap-to-wide-open-winger-in-front as easily the most dangerous faceoff play in hockey.

Would have owned 1988.

- We've come to expect big games from high-profile centers coming back from injury, but don't take for granted how good Jordan Staal looked against the Jets. The fact that he picked up where he left off offensively is enormous for this team's prospects with or without Crosby.

About that defense, read on after the jump...

- The abominable defensive effort would not be a concern if the Pens were otherwise a shutdown team. Sloppy games happen, and when the opposing coach is stubbornly refusing to remove a goalie who is completely overwhelmed, it's understandable that the Pens would play a little loose to try to abuse said goalie. But for some reason, the whole is less than the sum of the parts the Pens have on defense. We used to revel in the notion that this team had no less than four no. 1 caliber defensemen, or at least four 1a's. Four guys who could eat 25 minutes a night and step up with a huge performance at any time. No longer. This team has one great defenseman, and it's Kris Letang.

Paul Martin is the object of a lot of outright vitriol from the fan-base and it's at least partially deserved. He is so far from a $5 million defensemen that we're close to refusing to go on Capgeek because we don't want to see it in print. But the Pens softness of defense goes a lot deeper than Martin, and the first guy people should look at, but it seems that no one does, is Zbynek Michalek. He makes $4 million, has 6 points in 35 games, and is a -10. The expectations for him are different from Martin because they were branded as having different strengths -- Martin more of a puck-mover, Michalek a shutdown shotblocker.

But here's the thing. It's turned out that Martin and Michalek are much closer in styles than anyone anticipated. They have the same strengths (occasionally taking the puck off people, blocking shots, some other stuff that's not that great) and the same weaknesses (no physicality, limited offensive skills, no mean-streak, etc, etc, etc), yet they've been part of the same underachieving defensive pairing for almost two years. Isn't it time to shake it up?

Maybe the hesitation is that the Pens don't want to relegate one of their big 2010 signings to the third pairing, but the truth is that a lot of times those guys are playing like third-pairing defensemen. This isn't a case for more ice time for Niskanen and Engelland, because they are also just mediocre. But maybe you get more out of Paul Martin if you put him with a physical player like Engelland? Or maybe you do that with Michalek? Whatever the case, it's worth mixing it up, and if/when the Pens make a trade for a defenseman, it can't just be with plans to slot him into the third pairing. Alex Ovechkin really doesn't want to face a Michalek/Hal Gill situation in May.

Tampa tonight. LGP. GTOG.

Chris Harrison's Unapologetic Consolidation of Power

2012-02-10T10:05:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

GTOG was the first news outlet to expose Chris Harrison's strong-arming of Casey S. on this past week's show and tell you that it was nothing more than Harrison flexing his muscle and reminding Ben Flanjik who was in charge. Now, predictably, other outlets have caught on and finally picked up on this story-line. We are not experts just because we say we're experts; we're experts because we are experts. (Ed. NOTE: We also implied in a non-libelous way that maybe Chris Harrison just wanted to sleep with Casey S.)

"Emmanuelle Chriqui and I have been friends for years..."

In his blog, Harrison is unapologetic about his unilateral decision to strong-arm Casey S. off the show by telling her in no uncertain terms that she was in love with a guy she said wasn't even her boyfriend. He wrote:

You all saw what happened with Casey S., so let me take you behind the scenes and tell you what led me to step in and talk to her. We heard from Casey’s former boyfriend and a couple other people that Casey had spent serious time with him leading up to the show and that she still had serious feelings for him. In fact, her ex-boyfriend explicitly told us that he was currently in a relationship with her. I’ve said before that one thing I regretted during Ashley’s season is not going further and telling her more about Bentley and his intentions. I wasn’t going to let that happen again. Now, I want to make it clear that in my opinion Casey didn’t come on the show with bad intentions; she didn’t come on the show to deceive Ben. Like many people who have come on this show in the past, Casey learned a lot about herself and changed during her time here. My talk with her was in no way confrontational, but I did want to make things very clear, to her and everybody watching. Unfortunately that lesson of making things very clear for all involved was one I learned a few seasons ago. It’s funny to see how once the show airs, people’s memories can suddenly and dramatically change.

Strong words. Harrison was caught off guard last season when Bentley promoted his "Family Fun Center" business by acting like one super d-bag that carries a lot of smaller d-bags. Now, much like Jerry Jones firing the Cowboys' coach and taking over on the sideline, Harrison has consolidated all power in one place: himself.

Not going to let this happen again.

Right now, Harrison is a rogue Border Patrol Agent keeping watch over the walls that guard and protect Ben's heart. He'll use all necessary force. So let this be a warning to you. Chris Harrison has had enough of you and your wrong reasons.

Ben Will Evaluate Coach Haley and Go From There

2012-02-09T16:25:00.001-05:00

By Artistry

Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger today was nothing but magnanimous in announcing that, although he's heard plenty of bad things about the new Steelers offensive coordinator, he will not immediately fire Todd Haley.

"Everybody has an opinion, as we all know, and [other players are] letting me know what their interaction with him was -- good, bad and indifferent," Roethlisberger said, apparently forgetting he was talking to the media about his boss. "I've heard a lot of things and I'm looking forward to meeting him and forming my own opinion."

This is the way a General talks when some interloper tries to interfere with his mission. The worst thing you could ask a leader of men to do is leave a man behind on the field of battle. The second worst thing? Asking him to finish a mission with a brand new offense.

"I hope we don't have to start over and if we do, you know what, here we go. Let's do it. We'll do it. We're not going to complain about it," continued Ben. "But I would hate to have to set certain guys back who are doing so well right now. This is a f***ing terrible idea."*

The good old days, when Men were Men, and Leaders of Men led their Men

In all seriousness, the potential for a long, drawn out feud between Big Ben and his fiery new offensive coordinator has us salivating. We'll be writing a new semi-regular feature called "Big Ben's Barracks" (think "Big Ben's Corner" but with more military references and alliteration) throughout the off-season. This is as big as it gets.

*Almost all of these are things Ben Roethlisberger actually said.

Bachelor Episode 6 Recap: Let's Get Fancy

2012-02-08T23:55:00.001-05:00

By GTOG Staff

[Make sure to listen to this week's Raw Emotion Podcast recapping Episode 6]

This wouldn't be the first time a Bachelor season has been hijacked by a sinister, back-stabbing, not-nearly-as-attractive-as-our-hero-thinks-she-is harlot like Courtney. Remember Vienna in Season 14? (Ed. note to selves: we now have a Bachelor frame of reference dating back several years. It's time to reevaluate everything). But this is the first time a Black Swan has faced such feeble competition. Courtney's a woman among boys out there. A c-word among b-words. She's openly taunting the other Ladies, but somehow she's got the competition apologizing to her. She's practically running unopposed. "It's getting hard," she whines early in the first of two consecutive hours of whining. "So hard to feel special." No, Courtney, as long as your Breast-gun offense isn't grounded by a trip to a cold-weather location, it's really not. Can anyone get fancy enough to stop her?

Murderer's Row

Full recap after the jump...

As is custom, the first 5 minutes of the episode was comprised of establishing shots of this week's exotic locale, "Panama City, Panama." As opposed to "Panama City, Italy," "Panama City, Arkansas," and "Panama City, Nova Scotia." Got it? We're in PANAMA CITY, PANAMA! PANAMA!

And just outside Panama City, Panama lies an uninhabited island where Kacie B. is selected to accompany Ben in the always coveted, "first second one on one." While Kacie B. and Ben are surviving, we're coming to the conclusion that when it comes to Kacie B., she may not be exactly our type physically, but in a binary world of 1s and 0s, she's still a 1.

Tooth whitening commercial

Later that night at dinner-- SPOILER ALERT: they survived the island -- the conversation slams headfirst into the most immovable object of all: the walls that guard and protect the heart. Kacie's walls are up, and she feels she needs to do something about it because rather than continue the conversation, Ben sits stoically, waiting for the walls to come down or, to put it another way, for Kacie B. to tell him something horrible that's happened to her. All we get out of Kacie B. is that her parents caught her "in the act" of having an eating disorder in high school, which barely registers on The Scale of Horrible Things About My Past because, you know, it means her parents are still alive.

Ben, of course, appreciates her opening up to him and decides that he likes her more because of it. To recap: Woman tells Man she has eating disorder, Man likes Woman more because of it.

Meanwhile, the other Ladies back at the mansion find out that it will be Blakeley and Rachel on the 2-on-1 date. Rachel is nervous, but Blakeley is psyched because this will be her "first two on one with one on one time." This is transparent psychological taunting by Blakeley, but since she can't move her face and the silicon has to settle for another two weeks, it's the best taunting she can do.

On the big group date, the women are very turned on by Ben's ability to steer a boat through a disgusting river without getting pink-eye. And with Ben at the helm, they arrive upon a village of naked young boys. Courtney steals the show by unleashing the gutsy, "I see your tiny adolescent private parts, and raise you my boobs!" strategy.

Other winners from the group date: Jamie's body.

Losers: Everything else about Jamie.

At the cocktail party later that night, Lindzi calls Ben her boyfriend, a really strong short-term play to get what we call the Reassurance Rose, given to the woman who won't win but is most likely to cause a scene if she doesn't GET SOME GODDAMN ATTENTION RIGHT NOW!

Emily tells Ben a joke about a chief that requires no less than 4 text messages for us to understand and then, brimming with confidence, decides that she is going to man-up and apologize to Courtney for behaving in a way that caused Courtney to be a horrible person. Courtney rejects the apology, reiterates that she does indeed hate Emily no-matter-what, and then swallows her entire mouth whole.

Courtney proceeds to ruin Jamie's attempt to introduce herself to Ben by prancing around in a bikini before ultimately deciding that she would like to see Ben's penis in better lighting this week, so she invites him to her suite. He doesn't show, causing Courtney to lament that men often appreciate her early in the relationship, but then mistreat her. To recap: The more a man gets to know Courtney, the less he appreciates her.

Next up is the Blakeley-Rachel-Ben two-on-one date. Ben decides that the salsa dancing at this date will determine his chemistry with these women once-and-for-all. For Blakeley, this is an invitation to simulate lewd sex acts. For Rachel, it's an invitation to play it safe by using her "I'm younger, hotter, and cooler card."

During her first one-on-one time with Ben since she was weeping in a Samsonite Spinner, Blakeley gives him what she calls a "scrapbook," which was really just a bunch of words cut out of magazines that symbolize their future together.

If you want to do a scrapbook on the Bachelor, you need to follow JP's lead from last season's Bachelorette, and: a) know the person, and b) see (a).

Scrapbookin' chicks since 1989.

Despite her last ditch efforts and her revelation to Ben that "for the first time, I really feel something. Like, I feel it," Ben makes the smart choice to send Blakeley back to the club scene in North Carolina.

Just a hooker with a dream.

The next morning, as discussed at length on this week's Raw Emotion Podcast, Chris Harrison arrives with an announcement, and it's serious. He needs to talk to Casey S. and he needs to talk to Casey S. now. This scares Kacie B. "It's never good when he shows up," she says unthinkably.

Chris then does what Chris does best -- he strongarms someone into admitting they love someone that they clearly don't. In this case, it's Casey S.'s main squeeze Michael who, according to three people back home, is Casey S.'s boyfriend. Chris has no time to indulge Casey's explanation. It's time for action, so he makes her go tell Ben that she isn't here for the right reasons, while sitting directly on top of her shoulder.

In the podcast, we speculated that Harrison's maneuver was a reassertion of power over Ben, and while this incident with Casey S. may have been completely innocent, there may be another, more sinister, explanation.

"There there now. I know this is hard for you."

"A beautiful woman like you shouldn't go unloved."

"So what are you up to later?"

"Maybe a glass of wine, take the edge off."

"No, it's fine, camera guys will stay down here."

"We can talk about a few things you can do to maybe get back on TV soon..."

"Right, like a 'you-scratch-mine, I'll-scratch yours' situation."

"No, no, it's not like that, a lot of people have gotten into show-business this way."

"Does the name Maria Menounos mean anything to you?"

"I've worked very closely with Nicole Scherzinger in the past..."

"Vanessa Hudgens and I are close..."

"I called one of the Superbad producers for Emma Stone..."

"I'll put it to you this way. You're gonna have to sleep with me."

"..........."

"So you're from Kansas, huh?"

"Do you want a water or anything...?"

"..........."

"Probably best if we keep this between us for now. You know those lawyers, confidentiality, all that stuff..."

"I didn't see your bracelet, but I'll check."

"Yep."

"I just want to get married."

Chris returns to the remaining ladies with a threat: you better be open to finding love, because otherwise it's not going to work. You'll end up like 29 of the other 30 couples that have been on this show.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party (preceded with several "cheerses"), we get another healthy dose of Courtney, enough to foreshadow her future with Ben. Basically, if Courtney wins, Ben is going to spend the next 6-8 weeks of his life coming in from the grape fields, taking one look at his inevitably pouting fiancee, and saying, "Sweetie, what's wrong? What is it? Was it something I did? Listen, I don't sugarcoat things. Your mouth looks like a dying flower."

Jaime then attempts a last-gasp at relevance, but while it fails to get her a rose, it can serve as great instruction for couples out there who haven't been kissing as much as you would like lately. Maybe you're just not taking enough time to feel each other out. Start the process with your mouths closed. Then, yes, that's right, feel each other out. OK, now open those mouths! Wait, are you straddling? Straddle, close your mouth, feel each other out, and open. There we go. Ok, wait. Put your bottom lip on their top. Ok, there. Wait, now close again. There, open. There it is.

Everyone loves a micromanager.

[Make sure to listen to this week's Raw Emotion Podcast recapping Episode 6]

The Onus is Ours: The GTOG Promise

2012-02-08T17:35:00.000-05:00

We just got an incredible email from a reader. She built us up to the highest of highs, then tore us down to the lowest of lows for our failure to consistently recap episodes of The Bachelor. Basically, she put The Onus on GTOG.

And you know what? She's right. We have failed. We have let you down. But what we will never do is shy away from an Onus. We're not scared of you, Onus. Bring it.

February 8th is the first day of the rest of GTOG's life. 100% re-dedication starts now.

GTOPG: Never fun to lose in Montreal; Pens lose 3-2

2012-02-08T13:33:00.002-05:00

By GTOG Staff

Whenever the Pens get to overtime, part of you (and everyone else) is thinking, "we'll take the point." But taking that point last night also meant giving a point to Montreal which is an act that no man should ever have to endure. Montreal is a really annoying team because they're annoying AND they aren't good. In fact, they're one of the worst teams in the league. They stink. And they are comprised of a lot of annoying players who also, individually, aren't good.

There's nothing worse than an annoying -- and dangerous --- player like P.K. Subban. He gets hype because he skates fast through the neutral zone, but if you want to know where that skill will get you, look down the Habs bench at Scott Gomez, who hasn't scored in a year. Literally, a year. The truth about Subban is not only that he's dangerous -- when Letang tackled him, Subban kicked his skates up in the air like he was a wrestler avoiding a 3-count and we promise you, and anyone else who has ever played promises you, that kicking your feet up like that is something you can control. It's also that he sucks. He's on pace for 29 points this season. Paul Martin is on pace for 28. Subban is like the pro wrestler who brings a foreign object into the ring as soon as the referree gets distracted and uses it to pummel the opposition. Except he's not faking.

Overrated.

More thoughts after the jump...

- It's possible that Marc-Andre Fleury doesn't care that Carey Price makes all-star teams and he doesn't. Or that when Carey Price wins shootouts he poses like the guy who grew up to be Vanilla Ice did while listening to Run DMC in 1987. Or that he gave up a classic Flower "I'm going to play a magnificent game marked by one totally self-inflicted, spectacular goof" goal in a game against Carey Price. But he might care. And that may have something to do with Fleury not showing up after the game to talk to the media.

- Dustin Jeffrey hasn't done much offensively since his return from injury: 4 points in 19 games, with all but one of those points coming in a single outing. That said, Jeffrey was on the verge last season of establishing himself as a legitimate top 6 option. Maybe that was a fluke, but no, it wasn't a fluke, because this is Dustin Jeffrey we're talking about. And we (Artistry) can't imagine - we (Artistry) really can't imagine - why it's a good idea to give DJ's linemates and DJ's minutes to, with apologies to Mark Letestu, Letes2.0 Cal O'Reilly.

Like a slow-growing plant, Jeffrey may just need more time, more love, and more attention.

- If somebody recalibrated the great NHL penalty call sliding scale to where it was just after the lockout, you know, when they called penalties, Geno would draw one every shift.

- Would it really kill the Penguins to let us know what's wrong with Tyler Kennedy? We know he's out with a leg, right? So you can't tell us what's happening with the leg? Everything has to be a state secret? Really? Forget it, we don't care.

GTOG Podcast: Bachelor Episode 6 Recap: The Power Shift

2012-02-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Another night, another shocking episode. Casey S. is in love with someone named Michael, Ben is taken aback by her betrayal of his devotion to her 1/8th of the time, and Courtney is taking off her top. But most importantly, the real hero of the show reestablished himself as the alpha dog. What a night. We cover it all on this week's Raw Emotion Podcast, with extra emotion to make up for last week. Buckle up.

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"So I don't know if you know this about me, but I got bids from every sorority at my school."

GTOG Super Bowl Recap: Take a Knee; Giants win 21-17

2012-02-06T10:37:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

We must weigh in on the debate of the day -- should the Patriots have allowed the Giants to score that late TD? Should the Giants have scored or stopped at the one-yard line?

As repugnant as he is to us and human-kind generally, Belichek made the right decision by letting the Giants score a touchdown with 57 seconds left rather than run the clock down to about 20 seconds and then kick a chip-shot field goal for a 18-17 lead. And it seems that at least someone (reportedly Eli Manning) on the Giants knew that the best decision they could make would be to not take the free TD and instead kick what should have been the winning field goal (albeit there would have been about 20 seconds left for the Pats).

But here's where things went wrong. If the Giants actually had the strategy that they were not going to take the free touchdown, WHY HAND THE BALL OFF AT ALL?!?!?!?!?! This is one of my biggest pet peeves. If you are just killing time before kicking a field goal, and you don't need to gain any more yards (and the Giants were already at the 6 yard line), why not just have the QB take a knee? Why are you taking completely unecessary risk by handing the ball off (possible fumble) then having the running back burrow into the defensive line (who will be doing nothing other than trying to create a fumble)? By handing the ball off to Bradshaw, the Giants were creating a situation where the only thing that could happen was something bad -- a fumble, or the Pats get the ball back.

(NOTE: You could make a decent argument that the Giants should have just taken the touchdown and trusted their defense to stop the Pats, as they did. But it's clear that they were stuck in some no man's land of decision making, so this assumes that they had decided the best option was to kick the field goal).

Again, if you decide that you want the field goal, nothing good can come from handing the ball off. I hope you're sitting down for this because I'm about to tell you a hard truth -- NFL players are not necessarily very bright. They are world-class at doing one thing: being super-athletic. Decision making is not their strong suit, so a coach's job is to put players in a situation where they have to make as few decisions as possible.

If you need evidence of this point, just look at a few plays earlier when Hakeem Nicks caught a pass for a first down and could have let the Giants run the clock down to zero before kicking a FG if he goes down inbounds. He went out of bounds. Or look at the Bradshaw TD -- he knew he shouldn't have scored, but instinct took over and he couldn't help himself. Or look at Marian Barber III's epic meltdown in Denver earlier this year when he could have iced the game by staying inbounds, but instead went out of bounds and allowed Tebow to come back, win the Denver fans' affection, and make John Elway want to kill someone.

(Another side note: You could argue that Marian Barber killed the Steelers' season with that play as well. If Chicago wins that game in Denver, the Broncos don't make the playoffs, Ike Taylor never gets abused by Demaryius Thomas, and maybe the Steelers -- who easily could hang with the Giants or Pats -- have a different fate).

The point is this: No matter how many times you tell players not to do something stupid, they'll do something stupid. Or something bad will happen. So your job as a coach is to minimize the risk of catastrophic failure.

Or just pray for a little help from above.

GTOPG: When no emotion is the rawest emotion; Pens lose 5-2

2012-02-05T20:43:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

Sometimes you just know. About two hours before the Pens-Devils game, I texted Artistry to say, "Pens game today has all the makings of a classic snoozer in new jersey." And so it came to pass that this quickly became one of the most unwatchable Pens' games since the lockout.

By the book.

There's no possible way we can recap a game like that. We only have so many eggs and so many baskets, and they are all going into Monday night's Raw Emotion Podcast after what should be one of the most passionate, shocking, and emotional Bachelor episodes ever filmed in Panama City, a place we presume will quickly be deemed "the perfect place to fall in love."

To hold you over, here's our Super Bowl recap...from last year.

Get to Our Postgame: "He's not human. He's like a piece of iron"; Pens Win, 2-1

2012-02-04T23:04:00.002-05:00

By GTOG Staff

Not many people are aware of this, but let us fill you in on Chris Kunitz's little secret. Before every game the Penguins play against Boston, he grows a beard, flies to Moscow, saws some lumber, and scales the tallest mountain in the Russian Alps. There's no sign of life. No sound but the howling wintery wind. And he screams.

"Zdenoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Come on, when Kunitz chopped down Zdeno Chara like he was a piece of wood Satiuday during the Pens' 2-1 win in Boston, we were all thinking the same thing: You cut him! He's not a machine. He's a man! Chara is Drago - bigger, stronger, faster, and the worst nightmare imaginable for a team relying heavily on one line for offense.

"I must break you."

"I defeat all man. And I'm not wearing any pants."

But here's the thing. Chara doesn't like to be hit. And that makes Kunitz and the equally fearless James Neal his worst nightmare.

The spectacular MAF, the elephant in the room, and other notes, after the jump...

- This was easily one of the most gratifying wins of the season, for many reasons. The Bruins are bullies. They interfere like the Detroit Red Wings if the Detroit Red Wings were bigger and hairier. Brad Marchand plays for them. Tim Thomas is an asshole. And the Penguins, with a lineup that emphasizes speed and grit over brawn, hit them in the mouth all day long.

- The growing concern over the past 12 months - outside of the injury plague - was that Pittsburgh couldn't beat the elite teams in the East. Check that. It wasn't a concern, it was a fact. That changed over the past several weeks, as the Pens took out the Caps, Rangers, and Bruins while winning 9 of 10. As we told you when this streak started, any team with Geno Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, and a solid supporting cast is making the playoffs if they bring it every game.

- Flower has elevated his game to a point where you could legitimately argue that he, not the otherworldly Malkin, is the team's MVP. And this has to be the new normal for him if this team is going to contend without Sidney Crosby.

- Deryk Engelland is afraid of no man. That's why he gets the nod over Lovejoy.

- This had to be disappointing to the people of Boston.

- Despite their insistence that the Paul Martin/Zbynek Michalek pairing has much more to offer, the Pens' now have to be concerned that these two, who when they were signed theoretically gave the team the best top 4 in the East, are together somehow less than the sum of their parts. We've been staunch defenders of Martin, but this week we gave up and wrote a Paul Martin Powerball song. He gets beat wide every game, and now we kind of hope he never scores.

- Joe Vitale is unscratchable at this point. When Staal comes back, we might have to shift the great Dustin Jeffrey to the wing. If you're thinking about scratching DJ, don't mention it in Artistry's presence.

- Kris Letang looked off on Saturday. Nothing to be alarmed about yet, but recall that we had the same sense about Sid 5 games into his comeback. Watch Letang carefully Sunday in New Jersey, where he should take pains to avoid Ilya Kovalchuk.

- Huge 4-point game Sunday. NJ is 3 back of the Pens, and the Pens are 2 back of Philly. LGP. GTOG.

GTOPG: One Line Team?; Pens Lose 1-0

2012-02-02T10:05:00.002-05:00

By GTOG Staff

We knew this game was coming. Not just because all win streaks must come to an end, but because the Kunitz-Malkin-Neal line was carrying too much of the burden, and the rest of the forwards were doing very little. That's a formula for the occasional 8-game win streak, but it's not sustainable long-term. One loss isn't going to ruin our optimism about this team, but it does afford us the opportunity to voice the concern we have been openly suppressing during the win-streak: the Pens rely WAY too heavily on one line.

This may have been his 11th consecutive minute on the ice

If you go to the Pens website and view the roster, we swear there are three great lines on there. Unfortunately, the centerpieces for two of those lines are injured. With Sid, no one knows what is going to happen. But what we do know is that Jordan Staal will be coming back in a couple weeks and when he does he will carry, you guessed it, The Onus. Before he got hurt, he accepted The Onus. But when he gets back, he's going to have to live with The Onus, embrace The Onus, maybe make love to The Onus. He must become The Onus, and The Onus must become him. Because right now, Evgeni Malkin is orgying with multiple Onuses and it's going to wear him out.

Thoughts on the actual game after the jump...

- Brent Johnson is getting a lot of praise for his performance. It's deserved, because he did exactly what a back-up goalie is supposed to do: Keep us in it. He's not expected to steal games like MAF did the night before. Beej saved his job by stopping 23 of 24 shots, but the goal he allowed was a perfect illustration of why he doesn't start in this league. Notice how he overcompensates and slides about 5 feet out of the net anticipating a quick shot from a streaking Clarke MacArthur.

- We've always liked Beej. He competes out there, and he's capable of big moments and big games. But he's also has plenty of moments like this. Brent Johnson is a back up goalie because Brent Johnson likes to go swimming.

Swimming, swimming, in the swimming pool...

"Sometime I like to do da swim too"

- One thing you have to give the Pens credit for is their camaraderie. On the MacArthur goal, it's obvious that Letang and Orpik like each other soooo much that they just have to be on the same side of the ice. How sweet.

- Matt Cooke has been plenty noticeable this week, scoring a goal and generally infuriating the Maple Leafs, their friends, and their families. If he's finally found that elusive middle ground between Lady Byng and Billy Tibbetts, that's great news for the Penguins.

Lady Byngly Tibbets

- What's less great news is the disappearance of Pascal Dupuis. For the first few months of the season, he was the best bargain in the league. We heaped praise on him. Then we remember he got sort-of hurt in some game a while back and since then he's been a non-factor. Here's the lesson: When you say Pascal Dupuis is good, he sucks. When you say he sucks, he's good. Pascal Dupuis, you suck.

- Very encouraging to see the defense bounce back after an abysmal performance on Tuesday. We have the horses to hold the other team to 2 goals or less on most nights. We don't know why it doesn't happen more often.

- Big time showdown in Boston on Saturday. Get out the measuring sticks. Go Pens.

GTOPG: It's Fun to do Bad Things; Pens Win 5-4

2012-02-01T10:02:00.000-05:00

By GTOG Staff

Yes, the Penguins were sloppy Tuesday night. Yes, the Leafs had like 30 breakaways. And yes, for two periods the Geno-Neal-Kunitz line was kind of like the slugger who can't find his swing after a trip to the all-star home run derby. None of that matters. That's about as bad as the Penguins can play, and they won.

This was the showcase game in Marc-Andre Fleury's "Grant Fuhr Tour": It doesn't matter how many goals he allows; he's making a half dozen saves every night that make you open your mouth and then close it again, because you don't even know what to say. And Malkin, always looking for a new challenge, seems intent on showing he can win the Hart and Art Ross trophies solely on the basis of his work in the third period and shootouts. Not many players in history could consistently flip a switch during the second intermission and suddenly take over the game like Geno.

"Come to me, my children!"

We could look at this game and say the Pens were lucky because they were. But as we've said for a long time, good teams win games that they shouldn't. Last year the Pens had ZERO third period comebacks. Last night, you absolutely knew the Pens could get to 4 goals before the buzzer (~~the only question was whether the Leafs would have 8 by then~~). It's a totally different feeling. There's belief everywhere.

Much more, including thoughts on the Fleury-Johnson question from Finesse's Dad after the jump...

- With this lineup, the concern has to be that if Malkin gets shut down or at least contained for a single playoff series, the Penguins are toast. Fortunately, his line is about as close to unstoppable as you can get. The way that trio cycles in space - they have no use for the boards - and gets the puck to the net at such a high volume and with authority, it's reminiscent of 1993's Lemieux-Stevens-Tocchet juggernaut. Two bulldozers with velvety hands as bookends to the league's greatest talent. One-minute mark:

- Steve Sullivan has really answered the bell that Artistry rang. After starting the season on the top line and seeming like a great complement to Neal and Malkin, he started getting pushed around and was rightly banished to Richard Park's left flank. But right around the start of this 8 game win streak, he started to assert himself again. And he came all the way back last night against the Leafs, sparking the comeback with a beautiful shot to make it 4-2, and generally looking like Marty St. Louis for the rest of regulation and overtime. There was fear in the eyes of Toronto's defensemen when Sullivan set up behind the net in the third. It was unmistakable.

- The defense was terrible. That's largely because Toronto has blazing speed up and down the lineup and Phil Kessel is a super-unathletic looking scud missile. But it's also because the defense was terrible.

Sure, go right ahead.

- Finesse's Dad weighs in with his thoughts from being inside Consol last night:

No offensive flow at all last night. Terrible in the offensive zone and shaky in between the blue lines. They turned it over like Pitt usually does. But we have Malkin and they don't. All the third period scoring was right in front of us. We were almost square behind the net, 10-12 rows up. Crowd was quiet except for the manufactured noise with the decibel meter, the film clips, and the old couple they always spot for the kiss.

Tonight has got to be filled with angst for Bylsma. You know he wants to start 29 and keep the streak going and you know after a week off that 29 is ready to go. But... If Johnson slips again they will have to do something soon to find a more capable back-up. Johnson under serious pressure tonight and I'm sure he knows it without anyone else telling him. The Leafs are strong at home and they'll be fired up tonight after their fall from grace last night. Who will be the first period pugilists, or should I say, who will go with Phaneuf tonight?

But we've got Malkin.

- We've also got Soft Tissue.

Bachelor Episode 5 Recap: Puerto Rico is an amazing place to, wait for it, fall into the ocean with a naked model with an imploding mouth

2012-01-31T14:43:00.001-05:00

By Artistry

Sadly, there is no Raw Emotion Podcast this week, but please keep the angry emails coming because that means you are doing what we've always wanted you to do: be emotional.

So in light of no REP and Finesse's inexcusable failure to even watch the show, here are some rambling thoughts divided into artificial headers at 5:45 a.m. You know, for the historical record. If you still need more, you can read our coverage of the whole season here.

Courtney

"I don't doubt that it won't be fun," said a flustered Ben when Bachelor camera-time leader Courtney first suggested they prance around naked in front of an ABC camera crew.

Ben is a good right-hand man.

Nikki

Nikki was fortunate to be with the man of her dreams for the "Unexpected precipitation but remember things don't always work out take it for what it is nothing can rain on this parade roll with the punches go with the flow let's shift gears and buy authentic Puerto Rican clothes I am the luckiest woman on earth I'd like to have a big wedding" date. It was like a romantic comedy, except that these actors couldn't pull it off.

For Jurassic Park fans: "Dodgson! We've got Dodgson here!"

Nikki also wants a second chance at the fairy tale.

Men shouldn't sit in baskets.

More after the jump...

Hooker with a heart of gold really let down her walls

"Yeah, at times it was scary. I mean, you never knew who would be in the hotel room"

Baseball

Baseball group date. This game is hard enough to watch at an elite level. Courtney on Blakely: "Who knew strippers could play baseball."

Bachelor Code §101.456(A)(3)(b): Get the guy in a baseball uniform, ASAP

Jen strikes out to lose the game. Something literary folks like to call "foreshadowing." She weeps because "time with Ben is precious." She doesn't want to lose that "precious, precious time."

Precious.

Helicopter

Helicopter on the horizon. Somebody makes a comment about how that helicopter better not be coming to pick up the red team. Guess which team it picks up? Only a matter of time before someone opens fire on a helicopter on this show.

Elyse

"what IS that helicopter?!?!?!?!"

Facebook profile pic candidate test:
Not looking at camera? Check.
Windy? Check.
Tan? Check.
Beach that implies you love to travel? Check.
Verdict: Acceptable.

Elyse has a brutal accent and tan. Also Ben has never talked to her and now she says she wants to get married right now. She says, "I'm sick of being single." Ben: "Just sick of being single? Er..." Then he says unfortunately 6 times in his break up speech. "Unfortunately I just met you, and unfortunately you want to marry me. Unfortunately, that makes no sense, even in this context. And unfortunately, your accent is particularly grating. Unfortunately, the other women are a little better at making me feel comfortable with them declaring me the man of their dreams after a single date, so unfortunately, I cannot give you this rose."

Elyse asks what she did wrong. Ben says, "nothing, you're an incredible woman." There is no evidence that he really thinks this.

The rest of the raw notes

what is going on w kacey b hair? gettin uglier

c mouth is imploding. all this is a metaphor for the season

when women see guy take elyse's bag, they act like someone was just shot. "No!"

Courtney hopes she is a vision after a long day. She isn't.

skinny dip

ben uses the word "rad."

ben says he is blindsided by blakely. she really lets down her walls.

Another classic screwup by emily talking shit on courtney again. ben warns her to tread lightly and drop it.

Jen gets sent home with elyse.

panama city

GTOG Podcast: Crosby's injury, the All-Star game, and the loss of Gen. B.A.

2012-01-29T22:19:00.003-05:00

Though not officially a Raw Emotion Podcast, this still packs a punch. We talk about Sidney Crosby's neck injury, his friendship with Tom Brady, the NHL All-Star game, Ben's loss of General B.A., and for the last ten minutes, something we like to call "exploring the space." It's the GTOG Podcast.

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GTOG Recap: NHL All-Star Draft (and Republican Debate)

2012-01-27T16:22:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

If you missed the NHL All-Star Fantasy draft last night we envy you, but if you don't realize just how lucky you were, here's a quick recap of the proceedings, with some bonus coverage of the Republican debate.

The format is as follows -- Zdeno Chara and Daniel Alfredsson are team captains who select their teams from the pool of players voted to the All-Star game. Each captain also got to have an assistant: Chara had Joffrey Lupul of the Leafs, and Alfredsson worked with Henrik Lundqvist, who somehow found time to pencil 90 minutes of drafting into his busy schedule of lobbying for goalie interference calls.

The show was hosted by James Duthie of TSN who looks like a guy who would play Seth Myers in the biographical movie, "Seth Meyers: The Movie No One Is Going To See."

The draft takes place in a casino "just across the Ottawa river." Nothing screams BIG TIME more than the outskirts of Ottawa, a mood captured by Dave Molinari on Twitter.

Duthie insists that this draft is taking hockey "back to its roots" where Saskatoons at the turn of the 20th century used to wear $6,000 suits and check Twitter while hitting on 20-year old Russian immigrants named Alyonka.

Duthie introduces Alfredsson to the delight of the Ottawa crowd, and Alfredsson shows a surprising amount of personality for someone who looks like the guy in your apartment building who would passively aggressively complain to you that there is a no-move-in policy on the weekends while you're cramming a couch into the elevator on a Sunday afternoon.

"Technically the policy says you cannot move in today. I could report you if I wanted."

And Duthie proves to be the perfect host for an event where Zdeno Chara is prominently involved because it means there will be almost no occasion for Chara to laugh.

It's a commercial break, so let's check in on the debate. Rick Santorum is pointing at his 93-year-old mother, and makes her stand up. She gets a rousing ovation, or so she's told.

Much more after the jump...

When NBC Sports comes back from break, they flash a poll that shows that 50% of people think Malkin should be the first pick. It's clear that there is a certain segment of the Pens fan-base that will vote/buy/text/call/tweet about anything and everything related to the Penguins. Can someone tell them about GTOG, please? Duthie plants himself between Steven Stamkos and Patrick Kane, and asks Stamkos something about what it was like being the first pick last year. Stamkos relies on the following advice he received from his agent via email before the show:

Ok, Steven, you're a big star in this league so if they ask you a question, here's what you should do: Be super boring, come off as kind of a dullard, and flash that $42.99 smile!

The segment wraps up with Patrick Kane telling us what an honor it is to be there -- does anyone have that on DVR because that was exciting! -- and the introduction of Alyonka Larionov, former Pens-TV girl, as the Reader Of Tweets Verbatim. She's basically Morgan Freeman, if Morgan Freeman was a 105-pound blonde Russian girl who got to say things like, "At hartsy underscore 19 draft my boy claudsy at giroux underscore twenty eight hashtag all star game hashtag Alyonka underscore Larionov."

We flip back to the Republican debate to find Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney yelling at each other that they don't hate immigrants while transmitting secret codes that they actually do. I remark how small Newt Gingrich's hands are; Poise and I unanimously agree that Newt Gingrich doesn't pee, he goes wee-wee.

Back at the draft, Chara gets first pick and takes Datsyuk. A hot blonde in super tight pants comes out to take Datsyuk's coat, setting up the ongoing debate of the night: Whose pants are tighter, Lundqvist's or the two female jacket-takers?

Alfredsson takes his teammate Erik Karlsson, which causes a guy wearing a beret in the crowd to do an other-worldly fist-pump.

Chara then takes his teammate Tim Thomas. To his credit, Duthie doesn't cave to Thomas's Facebook-expressed desire to put the White House no-show behind him and asks whether he expected so much reaction. Thomas releases the following statement:

I believe the Canadian government is out of control, threatening the People's Rights to eat Nova Scotian smoked Salmon. This is being Done by The Mounties. Jim Carey and Celine Dion did not have This in mind when They created this country. Because I believe this, today I exercised My right to bring Starbucks across The Border. This was not About tim Horton's unconstitutional usurpation of Power. This was about ME making a statement about ME because what ME thinks is important to ME. This is the Only public statement I will be making, because Freedom isn't Free.

Alfredsson takes Spezza, and then Chara takes Geno. Although Duthie didn't interview Malkin, we can presume he would have said, "I'm so cccheeepppy."

The next four picks are Jonathon Quick, Marian Hossa, Claude Giroux, and ~~Darius Heyward-Bey~~ Kimmo Timmonen. Alfredsson then took Kris Letang, who looks more and more like a woman every day.

What a difference maker.

Back at the debate, Romney and Gingrich accuse each other of loving Freddie Mac more even though they both hate it now. The judges rule that Gingrich loved it more, although he left it as soon as it got cancer.

At the draft, Jason Spezza says he owes Malkin $20 because Spezza was picked first. Malkin may have a gambling problem.

Chara then selects Corey Perry, a man about whom no one remembers nor cares that he was MVP last season. Alfredsson takes Stamkos, sweater vest and all.

Chara counters with Carey Price, who is somehow an All-Star for the third straight year even though he isn't even good. Lundqvist shakes Brian Elliot's hand, and looks an awful lot like Peter Pan in the process.

Joffrey Lupul, who has assumed captain duties from Chara at this point, selects his linemate Phil Kessel, who is so physically unimpressive, that my notes say simply, "horrible looking guy. really repulsive looking, and sounding man. so gross."

The next five picks present a challenge to stay awake (Shea Weber, Ryan Suter, Daniel Sedin, Jimmy Howard, Dan Girardi).

Back at the debate, Newt Gingrich promises that America will colonize the moon by the end of his second term as president. When asked how this would be possible without raising taxes, Newt says, in all seriousness, that he would offer "prizes." First one to the moon wins a 2012 Hyundai Accent!

Chara selects Brian Campbell who combines with Phil Kessel to comprise the two least physically impressive professional athletes ever to be on the same team. Keith Yandle, Patrick Kane, and Milan Michalek are the next three off the board. Lupul then selects Leafs teammate Dion Phaneuf, who was greeted with the "o-ver-ra-ted" chant, rather than the more appropriate "slop-py sec-onds."

Blame Sean Avery, not us.

The next five selections are Henrik Sedin, Jarome Iginla, James Neal, Dennis Wideman (such a sexy pick!), and Alex Edler. Yeah, I know.

Duthie then interviews Tyler Seguin who responds to at least three questions by saying, "I have no idea." At least he's honest.

Back at the debate, a woman wearing a fur coat says she's unemployed and can't afford health insurance. She asks Ron Paul what she's supposed to do. Ron Paul says that the government spends too much money on education. Newt tells her to get a job. GTOG reveals its two step-plan: 1) stop wearing fur indoors; 2) don't ask Ron Paul what to do.

In Ottawa, we meet the All-Rookie team, YOUR NEXT GENERATION OF SUPER-BORING ALL-STAR PARTICIPANTS!

The next four picks are Marian Gaborik, John Tavares, Jordan Eberle, and Scott Hartnell, who, we SWEAR, is on pace for 43 goals. Three years ago the Pens probably could have gotten him in a trade for Max Talbot.

Back at the debate, Rick Santorum yells at Mitt Romney about insurance, then makes a face like he's smelling a fart when Romney responds.

Mercifully, we're down to the last four picks of the draft. Chara takes his teammate Seguin, and Alfredsson takes Jason Pominville. Chara then saves Jamie Benn the shame of being the last pick, meaning that honor went to...

This guy.

If you didn't watch...good luck guessing.

(In all seriousness, I know we rip the Fantasy Draft for being boring, but compared to what the other leagues do, it's relatively awesome. Kudos to the NHL for having the balls to try -- and to execute -- something that is actually pretty cool).

GTOG Wants You to Comment!

2012-01-26T10:15:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

We never pump our comment section, even though there are some entertaining exchanges that happen in there. But for over 18 months, we've basically been talking at you. We'd love to hear any thoughts you guys have on the Pens, the Bachelor, Paula Deen's diabetes, or anything else. There's a comment string going here about the Pens, so if you want to weigh in, click that link and tell us why we're smart or why we suck.

Proud Graduates.

And if no one takes the bait, that's cool, too. We can always just talk to each other.

GTOPG: Over Fleury's Left Leg; Pens Win 3-2

2012-01-25T10:36:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

Marc-Andre Fleury gives up his share of goals that we think he should stop, most of which go through Brooks Orpik's legs on 1-on-1's and then over Flower's glove. But if you try to go cross-crease on Flower and you don't get the puck up over his pad, Darren Pang is going to break into hysterics about Fleury's quickness in the Blues' broadcast booth.

Flower was phenomenal last night. It was his 21st straight appearance, which is far too much, but he now gets a week of well-earned rest. We had been calling for Brent Johnson to start this game, but apparently the Pens coaching staff knows more than we do.

- Or, perhaps, we know the same thing, which is that the Pens don't have any confidence in Johnson right now. He is 2-5-0-2 with a 3.47GAA and .876 save percentage. Those are horrendous numbers. The last two times the Pens gave him a start, he was yanked and replaced by Fleury (both games were losses). As reader P.Co pointed out in the comments a few days ago, starting goalies win championships in the spring, but backup goalies win them in January and February. Johnson has earned at least one or two more chances before the trade deadline to solidify his position as the Pens' backup for the playoffs. But that's about it.

- Here's a task for someone with access to the coaching staff. Ask them whether the Pens' defensemen are coached to not tie up opposing forwards in front of the net. By my unofficial count, the Pens allow approximately 79.8 guys per game to stand untouched in front of Fleury. It's possible that this is a deliberate strategy by the Pens -- if the defensemen tie up the forwards, that means the D are also locked up, making it harder for them to get loose pucks in the corner. It's also possible that this is a bad strategy.

- Rumors abound that the Pens are interested in Hal Gill. We approve.

- Eric Tangradi was scratched last night in favor of Steve MacIntyre, who justified the coaches' confidence in him by taking a ridiculous tripping penalty during his 3:52 of ice time. Shero has to seriously consider moving Tangradi while he still has some value. If he still does.

- In the four games since Letang has been back, Deryk Engelland has played 14:31, 10:29, 10:36, and 11:48.

- A seven game win streak is absolutely huge going into the All-Star break. Given everything that's happened this season, we'll take this all day.

Go Pens.

**For reader Bryan**

What hands by Kunitz.

Crosby's at the beach? Uhh, Ok.

2012-01-24T17:28:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

According to Dan Bylsma, Sidney Crosby is staying in California during at least some of the All-Star break to go to the beach. You'll recall that Crosby originally went to California to visit with a renowned neurological spine specialist. This on the heels of another trip to Florida, and maybe Atlanta, to see Ted Carrick, a chiropractor who treats concussions.

Bylsma's quote:

"Not a timetable because it's possible he could stay there for a little bit of a break as well," Bylsma said of Crosby. "Not a definitive day back in Pittsburgh because he'll be staying on the beach for a little bit."

Forgive us for being skeptical. Some will take Bylsma and the Pens at their word and think fun thoughts of Sid hitting on the girls from Laguna Beach. Not at GTOG. No matter how much positive spin the Pens try to put on Crosby's cross-country trips to physicians of unrelated specialties in order to treat a "concussion," we've been burned enough times. Our walls are up.

We've reached the point where no news is bad news. And that stands until we hear otherwise, from Crosby himself.

Go Pens.

GTOG Podcast: Bachelor Episode 4 Recap

2012-01-23T23:17:00.001-05:00

What an emotional night. In the first podcast Artistry has recorded since moving back to Pittsburgh, we discuss what it was like for him to watch The Bachelor with his dad, what Emily was thinking when she threw Courtney under the bus, and which Woman should have offered to sacrifice herself for the greater good. Get the tissues out. It's the raw emotion podcast.

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Bachelor Contestant: "Not happy about how this is gonna be played out tonight"

2012-01-23T19:15:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

Bachelor contestant Samantha Levey is at it again. Just a few weeks after she gave a "premature f*ck you" to ABC for its "fake and bulls**t editing job," she expresses that she is again "not happy" about tonight's episode, via Facebook.

Going to go out on a limb here: Samantha is not going to get the fairy tale ending.

GTOG Weekend Wrap: Pens Win; Insufferable Super Bowl Matchup

2012-01-23T07:20:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

So much going on, so little time. A few things to hold us over until Episode IV: Attack of the Eyelash Extensions.

- Just as it was unwise to bury the Pens afte the 6-game losing streak, it is equally unwise to coronate them during the current 6-game win streak. There are two things happening right now: Malkin is setting the world on fire, and the Pens are holding their place in the standings until Decision Day comes for Ray Shero. When the world was ending less than two weeks ago, we told you not to panic. We said the key date is February 20th, one week before the trade deadline. By then, we'll know whether Sid has a legitimate shot at returning this season. ~~And if he doesn't....~~

- Not to rain on the parade, but the one concerning thing about the Pens' winning streak is that it is so dependent on one line. Unofficially, Malkin and Neal have contributed to 142% of the Pens' goals in January. It's never a bad thing that one line is doing too much, but it is a bad thing when the other lines aren't doing enough.

- If the Pens don't have enough confidence to start Brent Johnson tomorrow night in St. Louis, which would give Fleury a nine day break between starts (because of the All-Star game), then it's official that the Pens have no confidence in BJ. Twenty-one straight appearances for Flower is too much.

- I'm not sure that either of the best teams won yesterday's conference championship games. But I am sure that I won't be watching Sports Center for the next two weeks.

Instant Reaction: Malkin-Neal, Neal-Malkin; Pens Win 4-3

2012-01-22T15:21:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

That one felt really good. At some point in the relatively near future, we'll start complaining that the Pens are relying too heavily on the Malkin-Kunitz-Neal line. But not today. Go Pens. Full recap tomorrow.

GTOG On the Record: NFL Championship Week

2012-01-22T14:21:00.002-05:00

For historical purposes:

Artistry

New England 31, Baltimore 17. This is in no way objective and driven solely by a desire to see Baltimore lose.

Giants 24, 49ers 10. Niners can't contend with that d-line.

Finesse

New England 34, Baltimore 20. I want Baltimore to win. But they aren't going to.

49ers 23, Giants 20. Can't live in a world where for two straight weeks we have to hear, "Look, maybe Eli is the best Manning after all..."

Joe Paterno Passes Away

2012-01-22T11:25:00.001-05:00

By Finesse

Joe Paterno passed away this morning. He was 85.

Tough times in Happy Valley.

GTOPG: Perspective from a patriarch; Pens Win 5-4

2012-01-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

I didn't watch the game last night, so I was planning on posting the highlights, using some hyperbolic analogy to describe Malkin's one-timer, and mentioning Artistry's love of Dustin Jeffrey before calling it a day. But I woke up to an unsolicited but appreciated email from my dad about the topics dujour and thought, "PIXELS!"

Finesse's Dad's thoughts on the Pens after the jump...

Do you think there is a story about Fleury brewing? First, another high glove-side goal last night - a common theme. He sometimes seems slow to raise the glove high enough. Second - too many games (some of which has to do with subbing for poor performance by Johnson). Do you think that the Pens have lost confidence in Johnson as back-up, since I think he's been pulled in his last two starts? That puts significant pressure on Fleury and also wears him out. Have we found ourselves in a position where we can't trust Johnson to go 60 minutes? They mentioned that Johnson may go against St. Louis as his next start, but that's no easy task either. They will have to figure something out quickly if Johnson plays poorly in that game because getting Fleury into every game to cover for Johnson is NOT the answer. He'll be worn out big-time by the end of the regular season if he can't take a night off with confidence he won't have to go in to clean up.

If Lovejoy is odd man out now, is there any way to package him and a forward for someone who can score. Who is Sid to play with if/when he returns, because it will be very difficult to break up our current top line and redistribute them back to Crosby? Don't mess with success. Anyone out west (like another Kunitz) we can find in a trade? Ray should be on the lookout. Who wouldn't want to come to Pittsburgh if they were immediately slated to skate on Crosby's wing? And there seems to be injury-related cap money available to pull that off.

Finally, getting Letang back on defense is every bit the equivalent of getting Crosby back as a center. When he went down, you had to look for a story about his progress, but the guy is unbelieveable. He raises everyone's game because they have so much confidence in him. That diagonal backcheck to prevent a clear scoring chance was amazing. And he throws his body around like nothing ever happened. he's certainly not tentative on his return to the lineup.

Who will be the headliner in Sunday's first period fight against the Caps? That seems to be the Pens new M.O. But really, who will be watching? It's football, football, football this Sunday.

No reason to go to the gym today. I already shoveled 3 inches of ice from the driveway so mom could get to work.

Pitt tonight at 9. Insert yawn here.

Man Down! Man Down!; Bruce Arians Retires

2012-01-20T11:27:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

The Leader of Men has lost one of the Men who guides Him in his Leadership of His Men.

Steelers' offensive coordinator Bruce Arians has officially announced his retirement. B.A., as he is affectionately called by Ben Roethlisberger, is known for opening up the Steelers' offense from the bruising Jerome Bettis days and bringing it more in line with the "Drew Brees Could Realistically Throw For 1,000 Yards in a Single Game" era. In other words, he gave the responsibility for leading men to the man who leads the men.

"Ok, Ben. Bounce off 4 guys, then throw across your body to Santonio for a touchdown."

This statement from Mike Tomlin has the warmth and fuzziness of an arctic porcupine.

GTOPG: Malkin puts MSG on notice; Pens Win 4-1

2012-01-20T10:02:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

Over the past six years, opposing teams have taken several approaches to trying to stop Evgeni Malkin. None of them work on any sort of consistent basis, but one of the most common tactics is to try to get physical with him to "get him off his game." The problem with that approach is twofold: first, Geno can be off his game and he is still the best player on the ice. Second, it activates him emotionally, and an activated Evgeni Malkin is an Evgeni Malkin that's about to humiliate a whole lot of people.

Malkin's patented "I did that in Russia all the time growing up" smirk

So the Rangers took the get physical approach with Malkin early and it backfired. He was sublime the entire game. You can't really blame the Rangers for putting all their eggs in the Stop-Geno basket, because somewhat lost in the 4-game win streak for the Pens is the fact that we are basically a one line team. Unfortunately for everyone else, that one line is destroying everything in its path.

More thoughts after the jump...

- After Malkin scored his empty netter to put the Pens up 4-1, Brandon Prust took a little run at Fleury and the Pens had a power play for the last 35 seconds of the game. Bylsma, perhaps responding to the run at Fleury, went with the top PP unit. It's admirable that he coaches until the final horn, but I don't like it. It's one thing to have Geno out there to go for empty net goals with a two-goal lead -- you do that because you are rewarding him for carrying the team all season. But the final 30 seconds after you've already scored an empty-net goal is the definition of garbage time. It's tempting to try to get Malkin the F-you Hat Trick, but it's irresponsible. Malkin is not Mario Lemieux -- he doesn't know how to glide around away from all contact, swoop in at the last second and bury it. Malkin is always in the mix. He grinds on the boards. He gets in people's faces. So it's not a good sight to see him getting worked over by two Rangers in the corner with 15 seconds left in a 4-1 game. That kind of coaching has a familiar smell to it...

- John Tortorella is an excellent coach, but one of the most easy to despise passionately when you're playing against his teams. But because we hate him so much, we also love reading his quotes after the game when the Pens win. Our favorite from last night: "[T]hey fed it to us in the third.”

- Letang was back and played over 24 minutes. Ben Lovejoy is a nice guy and all, but the upgrade in the defense when Letang is slotted in there is astonishing. It elevated everyone's game. Paul Martin looked like James Norris out there.

- There is a lot of anti Steigerwald/Errey sentiment in cyber-space these days based on the thinking that they suck, they're annoying, or that they're homers. For what it's worth, I think they do a good job. Of course they are "homers" -- they basically work for the Penguins, travel with the Penguins, make friends with the Penguins, like the Penguins, and try to portray the Penguins as a likable and successful team so that people will watch the game. They aren't perfect, but I watch a lot of games on the Center Ice package with opposing announcers, and the Steigerwald-Errey tandem is no worse than anyone else. (ROOT Sports camera work does suck, though). If you root for another team, I got news for you -- your announcers are homers, too. And you like it.

Go Pens.

GTOPG: Pens Win 2-1; The Internet Unites

2012-01-18T11:40:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

Today the internet unites against two power-grabs that threaten our fundamental freedoms as Americans. The first is SOPA, but the more important threat is a bill coming before the D.C. City Council that would allow Ted Leonsis's Verizon Center to hang banners and electric lights of unlimited size on the outside of the building and maybe even block the windows of a gym that I maybe use. Ted has often felt that the rules should not apply to his facilities -- remember the Verizon Center being ranked as having the most amount of food-safety violations? We do! -- and this is no different. The bill about the Verizon Center appears to exempt their banners from standards applicable elsewhere in the city. You can vote against the bill here.

In other news, the Penguins won 2-1 in a shootout over Carolina. It was a great game and a well-earned two points. MalkiNeal for MVP. Three other quick thoughts, courtesy of instant messages from Artistry this morning:

1) Do we need to revisit our condemnation of a Sulivan-Park-Kennedy line? They were nothing short of dominant against Carolina.

2) Watching Geno against the Hurricanes evokes powerful memories of Geno against the Hurricanes.

3) How come Brian Leetch was wearing Paul Martin's uniform last night? Really, how many chances did he have? I've never seen him play such an aggressive offensive game. He has the instincts, but he's not overpowering anybody with that shot. Do you think there is something permanently wrong with PM's wrist? Didn't he have surgery on it? Doesn't seem like he gets anything on his shots.

Go Pens.

Bachelor Episode 3 Recap: The Final Rose in Pictures

2012-01-17T11:15:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

[Listen to the GTOG Podcast for an emotional recap of last night's episode]

Let's set the scene. It's the Rose Ceremony. Ben has already given out a dozen roses so many of the Women should feel safe. But they don't feel safe. They feel scared. Vulnerable. Threatened. Why? Because of Shawntell Newton, famous for being a contestant on "Brad's Season," who returned to the show unexpectedly because she felt there was a connection between her and Ben that needed further exploration.

Modern day Magellan.

The other Women, who had put in just over a week's worth of tears, eye glitter, and more tears did not appreciate Shawntell coming into their cocktail party -- THEIR COCKTAIL PARTY!!!! -- to see if those few text messages she exchanged with Ben were as meaningful to him as they were to her.

And so it came down to the Final Rose. One Rose, three Women -- Erika, the law student; Jaclyn, the NFL quarterback; and Shawntell, the funeral director from "Brad's Season." Let's let the 40+ pictures I took within the span of about 120 seconds tell the story. After the jump, we pick up right after Erika heroically regrouped from her first fainting episode and get inside the Women's heads to reveal what they were really thinking...

"Nothing to see here! I'm normal! Just dehydrated, not insane. Carry on."

"I SAID I'M NORMAL! I'M NOT CRAZY! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!"

"With Shawntell, I'm like, you're butt ugly."

"Mmmmm, Marlboros."

"I know what you all are feeling right now. Drunk."

"Give me the rose. Give me the rose. Give me the rose."

"Ohmygod he's not giving me the rose. Ohmygod he's not giving me the rose. Ohmygod he's not giving me the rose."

"I can't give out this final rose tonight. Because I've never met any of you three."

"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus."

"Deuteronomy! Deuteronomy!"

"Maybe this was a bad idea?"

"Whatever you do, don't make a crazy face."

"No crazy face, no crazy face, no crazy face..."

"Damn it! Why do I always do that?!?!"

"We could have had it aaaa-aalllllll, Rolling in the deeee-eeeep"

"I don't know where I'll be next season. It's in management's hands."

"Fine, he wants crazy. I'll give him crazy."

"I will kill you. I will actually make your heart stop beating."

"Look at my face! How can you not love THIS FACE!"

"What about my face?"

"Is that seriously her face?"

"The Sbarro's at LAX closes at 1:00am, I think."

"Yep."

"Aww, I'm so pretty."

"No, guys, it's ok. This is totally normal for me. It's just that if I don't sit down right now I'm going to die."

"HELP ME SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I WILL F'ING KILL ALL OF YOUR FACES!"

"Ladies. Ben."

"Are you sure you want to get rid of all three of these psychos at once?"
"Chris, honestly, it's 4:30 in the morning, I just want to go to bed."

"Like, seriously, so pretty."

"Ladies, introduce yourselves to Ben, then say your goodbyes."

"Did I do enough to be the Bachelorette next season?"

"Ew don't throw up on my purse!"

"People are in serious danger! Like, people could die! That would be so gross."

"Attention! Give me attention! Someone! Please!"

"SOMEONE GET SOME WATER!"
"ARE YOU ANEMIC!?!?!?"
"NO, ORANGE JUICE! GET ORANGE JUICE!"
"SAY THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS!"
"HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!"
"OH GOD SOMEONE DO SOMETHING! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!"

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!"
"LIKE, I JUST CAN'T."
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW! LIKE, I JUST CAN'T!"
"I MEAN, LIKE NO SERIOUSLY YEAH I DON'T KNOW I JUST CAN'T DO THIS!"

"Seriously, do you know how many Yankees I've slept with!! SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Like, seriously, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

"Hey."
"Hi."
"Soo, um."
"Yeah."

"That was such a good conversation!"

"Does that direct message I sent him on Twitter mean nothing!?!?!"

"Ok, so he doesn't like me. It doesn't mean we aren't in love."

"Wait, maybe the problem is that I didn't stalk him enough?"

"PANIC! EVERYONE PANIC!"

"I am so going to keep stalking him."

"Cheers!"

GTOG Raw Emotion Podcast: Bachelor Episode 3 Recap

2012-01-16T23:13:00.002-05:00

What an emotional night. GTOG favorite Shawntell Newton returned to the set of ABC's The Bachelor and was immediately and wrongfully torn to pieces by the other so-called "Ladies." How dare they. We talk Shawntell's return, Emily's ascent, Rachel's emergence and so much more on this week's installment of the Raw Emotion Podcast.

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You don't do this. YOU DON'T DO THIS.

Crosby, Carrick, Concussions and Chiropractors

2012-01-16T14:03:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

First and foremost, it's really a shame that Shelly Anderson only has 1,734 Twitter followers because she's a producer.

Second, she is reporting that Sidney Crosby is back visiting Dr. Ted Carrick to discuss his recurring concussion symptoms, including balance and motion problems. Here's her timeline on the subject (for the uninitiated, read from the bottom up)

We don't really know what this means, but it probably isn't a "good" thing. At best, it's a checkup to maintain the status quo. Unfortunately, we also have no idea what the status quo is other than that Sid isn't playing.

This much we do know: the Pens' season hinges on a chiropractor in Atlanta.

Video of Ovechkin rapping

2012-01-15T19:01:00.000-05:00

He's at the 2:55 mark. Spends the rest of the video bouncing around in a wife-beater surrounded by kids in karate outfits.

This is a lot for us to process.

GTOPG: It Comes Easily for Some People; Pens Win 6-3

2012-01-15T16:49:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

We're not really sure why Tampa is so bad this year when they were one goal away from getting to the Stanley Cup Finals last year, but it could have something to do with it being relatively easy for other teams to get wide open chances against the Bolts' below-average goaltenders. And in this game, Evgeni Malkin looked like one of those 16-year-olds with a fake birth certificate playing in the Little League World Series.

The Russian Danny Almonte

This game went as it should -- when you play a last place team on a random Sunday afternoon, the priorities are to win and pad the stats, not necessarily in that order. For just today, mission accomplished.

5 other quick takeaways after the jump...

- Thank God Fleury was healthy during the 2009 playoffs so we didn't have to go with Mathieu Garon. Really shaky.

- The only reason this wasn't a 6-5 win instead of 6-3 is because the Pens only allowed one power play (obviously, Tampa scored). Statistically, it doesn't matter if the Pens PK is at 99% -- Tampa is scoring two powerplay goals against us every game.

- No reason to have Geno out there for the last 45 seconds with a three-goal lead and him already having a hat trick.

- Pensblog has great video of the Lecavailer sucker punch on Malkin.

- It's only two wins in a row, but they reinforced something that people were starting to forget during the six game losing streak: even with the injuries, the Pens are a pretty good team. Stay the course. Go Pens.

GTOPG: A New Hope; Pens Win, 4-1

2012-01-14T14:05:00.001-05:00

Look people, no one has time today for a full recap. Good effort against a Florida team that has no business leading the Penguins in points. Here's what you need to know:

1) The 6 game losing streak is over.

2) The players are now presenting a united front to the media and fans. Something happened behind closed doors this week, and at least a few players leaked it. Going forward, we expect the Penguins will leave the locker room drama in the capable hands of teams like the Flyers.

3) Any team with Geno Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, and a solid supporting cast is making the playoffs if they don't lose heart and bring it every night.

Big game in Tampa Sunday after we watch 12 straight hours of football. LGP.

"Come on. We all knew I was giving up a goal in the 3rd period."

The Secret Penguins Team Meeting Heard 'Round the World

2012-01-13T10:29:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

In his column this morning, Dejan Kovacevic of the Trib writes

You're going to hear some of this stuff Friday when Crosby faces reporters at about noon in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. But let me lay this out now: The Penguins, the public and, yes, Crosby all need to learn how to handle this situation better in the future.

That begins with the locker room.

A few, certainly not all, of Crosby's teammates are of the mind that he's been symptom-free for a while, though they have no medical basis for that. Some think he should be playing. Some simply think he should be doing more to communicate, or at least be as visible as concussed defenseman Kris Letang.

Last week in Pittsburgh, according to three sources, a group of players held a 45-minute meeting to discuss a temporary captaincy. Another source disputed that any such meeting occurred.

If it did, were those players kidding?

That's solid reporting.

My position on this meeting, if it did occur, is: Good.

Penguins' players are clearly frustrated by the uncertainty surrounding the Crosby situation, which is completely understandable. But the worst thing they could do is just sit back and wait around with the expectation that Sid is going to come back and everything will be ok. By adopting the mentality that "he's not here, let's start figuring out how to do this without him," the team isn't turning its back on Sid. The guys who are playing have jobs to do -- kudos to them for trying to do it.

If some of the players think Sid should be playing, that's unfortunate, but not surprising. Concussions are not well-understood, even by players who seem to get them all the time. When Pens' players see Sid literally skating circles around them in practice, they may understandably think, "wait, I don't get it, tell me again why he's not playing?" Sure, this may be an ignorant opinion from a medical perspective, but no one has ever accused hockey players of being geniuses.

Gave the camera a concussion with his eyes.

That's where education becomes important, and it starts with Crosby. The sentence that resonates most with me from Kovacevic's column is: "Some simply think he should be doing more to communicate, or at least be as visible as concussed defenseman Kris Letang." Whoever is saying that has a valid point. If some of the guys on the team don't know what is going on with Crosby, doesn't some of the responsibility for that fall on Sid? After all, he is the captain and these are his "men." They deserve to know what is happening -- as their friend and co-worker, Sid is in the best position to educate them. If Sid does that and they still think that outdated notions of toughness should trump Sid's doctors' advice then, again, no one is accusing hockey players of being geniuses.

The situation is reaching a boiling point and the best guy to turn down the heat on all of this is Crosby. The sad thing is that there is any heat at all. Almost everyone is rooting for Crosby to be ok. We're on his team. We want him to get better. We want him to take as much time as it takes. We want to know what is happening not because we want to judge whether he's tough or not, but because we support him and want to understand.

The truth is that throughout this whole process, we've too often had no idea what is going on. You can argue that fans have no need or right to know -- I'd disagree with that, but I understand -- but his teammates and the organization do have a right to know what is happening.

It's not Sid's fault for missing all this time. But the guys who are healthy have been dealing with this for over a year now; if they're tired of waiting for Sid to come back, it doesn't necessarily mean they think he's not tough or not a good captain. It means they realize they can't sit around feeling sorry for themselves and they need to have a plan to go win games without him. And that's exactly what they should be doing.

Is Sidney Crosby cleared to play? Answer the question!

2012-01-12T13:41:00.001-05:00

By Artistry

"He badly wants to play and be out there," Pens GM Ray Shero said Thursday about Sidney Crosby. "But he's not cleared to play."

Oh. OK.

Surprised? Mark Madden for the last 24 hours has been going on and on and on about how if Crosby has a mere headache, he may be exercising his personal choice not to suit up because he doesn't quite feel 100%. And Madden's suggestion is, Sid, you'll never quite feel 100%, so either take the risk of suiting up or retire. But stop wasting everyone's time with your silly little concussion symptoms. Don't put yourself above the team. This must be a conspiracy. Is he cleared to play? Is he cleared to play? It's a simple question, just answer the question, is he cleared to play?

"When he's cleared to play he'll play," said Shero. Ah hah. Mystery solved. Good work everyone.

How quickly we lose our patience and our minds. Read this again, then get back to what you were doing.

Back to the drawing board.

Get To Our Postgame: If Ted Leonsis Owned the Penguins; Pens Lose 1-0

2012-01-12T09:23:00.001-05:00

By Finesse

Ever wonder what life would be like if Ted Leonsis owned the Penguins and blogged about the games afterwards? Neither do we. But, in the spirit of the Caps-Pens rivalry, which last night felt more like a Panthers-Flames matchup, let's pretend for just today that Leonsis owned the Pens. What would he write?

We didn't get a power play. They had two power plays.

This was our 42nd game of the season. We are 21-17-4. In some eras, that would be a .500 record. We are tied for 8th place with Washington, but Washington has played one less game.

Last night was their 41st game of the season.

No excuses. We have injuries to many players. Sidney Crosby was in attendance last night. He is recovering. Every team has injuries; we have more injuries than every team.

No excuses.

Marc-Andre Fleury played well in goal. We held the Capitals to 20 shots. Usually that is good enough to win.

We haven't scored many goals recently. Our role players have gone many games without chipping in any goals. Our stars are scoring some goals, but not enough goals to win. Six goals in our last six games; we lost all six games.

We play at Florida on Friday night. Florida is having a good season. They are in third place with 50 points. It will be a big test for us on the road.

It's predictable when we are losing that we see negative pixels. Read this one.

We are improving. Wish us well in Florida. Thank you.

"That was nice. Thank you."

GTOPG: Turbulent times, indeed; Pens lose, 5-1

2012-01-11T13:02:00.001-05:00

By GTOG Staff

"There he is, just thinking," Penguins announcer Bob Errey observed, as the Root Sports Pittsburgh camera found its way to Mario Lemieux's box. "How many times have you seen him with his hand on his face, just thinking, where does the team go from here. Actually, I don't know what he's thinking." No, Bob, you really don't. But that's exactly what we're thinking.

OK, that's what he's thinking, too.

The team just lost its fifth game in a row. The Penguins have plummeted to 8th place in the Eastern Conference, with just one point separating them from Winnipeg and a spot on the golf course during the 2012 Stanley Cup Playoffs. Yikes. Can and should the Penguins take some action to reverse this downward spiral? Or is it just a matter of weathering the storm and getting Jordan Staal and Kris Letang, if not Sidney Crosby, back in the lineup for a strong playoff push? There is no consensus here at GTOG. We're struggling right along with the team. We know the Penguins endure some measure of adversity every season. There's always a losing streak that makes us just uncomfortable enough to question whether or not to stay the course. And those down times - as long as they happen relatively early in the season - are seldom a reason to take any drastic action. But this is different. Nobody has any clue about Crosby. The team is clearly dispirited. Dan Bylsma looked like he was about to cry during his post-game press conference. Where do we go from here? We set our emotions aside and we analyze how we can make this team better right now.

A way forward, after the jump...

1) We repeat: Don't panic. Overreacting in the middle of a losing streak is the last thing management should do.

2) Be honest. Even if you put aside the Crosby injury for a moment, which is very difficult to do, there are a lot of other flaws with this team. To simply sit back and say, "well, if everyone is healthy, we'll be fine" is not good enough. Here are some of note:

- The Pens are too soff. They have the puck a lot, particularly in the first period, but all the puck possession time in the world isn't going to make the other team uncomfortable. Right now, the Pens can get 40 shots on any given night, but it's the easiest 40 shots the opponent will ever see. This isn't unlike 2009, when Shero saw a gaping lack of physicality and brought in Chris Kunitz and Bill Guerin.

"Soff..."

- One of the big reasons for the soffness? Matt Cooke has been castrated to the point of being ineffective. Matt Cooke without crazy pills is Miro Satan in 2009, without the sweet forehand to backhand move.

- A Park-Sullivan-Kennedy line isn't going to cut it, no matter how many injuries there are.

- Arron Asham is playing like he doesn't care, or just doesn't want to get hurt. Whatever the Pens lost over the years by letting guys like Rupp, Talbot, etc. go, it has not been replaced by Asham. When he was on the Flyers, he was a pain in the ass for the Pens. Now that he's on the Pens, he's still a pain in the ass for the Pens.

- Ben Lovejoy is getting worse. The Penguins have a goals-against average of 2.6 in games where Paul Martin is in the lineup. The GAA is 2.86 when he's on the shelf. Yes, he had a rough start, but this is real. The single biggest thing this team needs aside from its health is stability on the back end. No one should pretend that we can just plug bodies in on defense without significant repercussions.

3) Call out the crowd. It's no surprise that the fan base's energy level is down given the trauma of the past year. But the in-game crowd at Consol is abysmal. Brutal. The worst. Fans who pay money can do and say whatever they want -- but so can the players and coaches. If Dan Bylsma got up and said, "yeah, we suck right now and it has nothing to do with the fans, but we really need your help to get out of this," many people would take that the wrong way. At GTOG, we'd give him a standing ovation.

Soffer.

4) Make the team better right now. This lineup is deficient. We said just this week that the team should be patient and wait 6 weeks before pulling the trigger on anything more than a minor deal. But then something happened. Last night happened. The status quo isn't cutting it. Sid clearly isn't riding in on a white horse anytime in the foreseeable future. And this team will almost certainly fall out of the Top 8 in the conference if Pascal Dupuis and Richard Park are forced to play 2nd and 3rd line center for 6 more weeks. Dustin Jeffrey would help, but even the great DJ can't carry this burden alone. We have two guys on the NHL roster who Shero could package in exchange for help down the middle without sacrificing too much: Matt Niskanen and Tyler Kennedy. Probably a market for the Big Dog, too. No idea who's available. But we expect Shero will be working the phones all week to find out.

Bachelor Episode 2 Recap: Ten Burning Questions

2012-01-10T17:05:00.000-05:00

By GTOG Staff

[Don't forget to check out the Raw Emotion Recap Podcast here]

At the end of every episode of The Bachelor, promises are made. Promises of tears to come. Promises of shocking twists. Promises of swimming pools, wave pools, kiddie pools, lap pools, above ground pools, waterfalls spilling out into pools, and hot tubs, all of which are apparently on the grounds of The Mansion. And if there is one thing you can say about The Bachelor, it's that it never disappoints. It promises the moon, but delivers the sun.

But in a show that somehow manages to cram 11-minutes of content into a 2-hour window, we're still often left with unanswered questions. Today, those questions get answered.

10. Does anyone live in Sonoma?

Apparently not. Ben's first one-on-one date was with sweet southern belle Kacie B., and we know she is a sweet southern belle because Ben asked her almost exclusively about what "the South" was like, simultaneously professing that he loves people from the South but also that he "needs to get down there more," or something. They walked the streets of Sonoma, a city of over 10,000 people, all of whom were apparently home during the one-on-one, save for two random women who knew Ben and may or may not have been part of the "excess" he enjoyed after college when he was making tons of money in Internet advertising.

Seriously, why weren't there any people there? Was the city in quarantine? Was the quarantine ordered by city officials to prevent a Contagion-like outbreak of disease when they learned that Blakeley was coming to town? We demand answers.

9. How did that taste coming out of your mouth?

Bitter. That question, of course, was delivered by Courtney after Kacie B. read the date card, which revealed that Courtney would be the recipient of the coveted second one-on-one. Courtney, who we've been told is afflicted with something women call "stupid mouth," put an entire room of fake-confident ladies on their heels with this simple question. It was cutting, precise, and left no room for interpretation. It's this year's favorite to replace "You are like a toxic disease on this, like, journey" as our phrase-of-the-year.

Our advice to Ben going forward: test whether Courtney is paying attention to your hopes and dreams by repeatedly asking her, "What did I just say?" She will fail this test every time.

8. With Peyton Manning on the mend and the Colts contemplating drafting Andrew Luck, where does that leave Jaclyn?

Both could be out of a job by next week.

Dig deeper into the mysteries of Episode 2, after the jump...

7. How many bodies of water are there at the Bachelor mansion?

We're talking about a number somewhere between "water park" and "Olympic training facility." Maybe it's fancy editing, but at one point last night Ben was making out in a small swimming pool with some redhead who has no chance of winning, while the other women were in at least three other pools, including not less than one hot tub. We don't know the logistics of the Cocktail Party, but it is no small undertaking. At one point we thought we heard a loudspeaker say: Ben and Jennifer, please report to pool #4 immediately. Nicki, Casey, Elyse, and Emily you are needed at the west dock for an immediate chicken fight in Pool #6. Lindzi and Monica, take Cobblestone Corner past Jardin du Rhododendron and report to refrigerator #8 for a refill on your 11th glass of white wine. Jenna, just a reminder it is 1:45am and not sunny so you can leave the tanning oil in your room or check it with security located between Hot Tubs 11 and 12.

6. What is the first question you should ask Ben on a one-on-one dinner date?

If it was us, we'd ask, "Is it true you hooked up with Jennifer Love Hewitt?" But if we were contestants on the Bachelor, then we'd follow Kacie B.'s lead and pull straight from Bachelor Playbook Chapter 4: Bypassing Small Talk to Discuss Dead Parents and ask, "What did you learn from your father about what kind of man you want to be?"

Ben's response, summarized: My dad was very boring, so I learned that it's important for a man to be boring. He also wore androgynous shirts that showed the outlines of his nipples. He instilled as a value in me that it's important to leave no mannipple to the imagination. Those are two things that I live by. Family is very important to me.

5. Who is Erika?

No idea. Bonus question: Where have we seen Monica before? No idea, but Finesse's brother knows where we might be able to find her: "Monica looks like a girl you'd meet at a $5 craps table in Reno at 3am smoking a cigarette. I want to be clear, it would not be a good casino. It would be in Reno."

4. What color is Jenna?

When you're dealing with a woman whose skin is reminiscent of the ashes at a copper factory fire, you don't ask what color she is. You ask, "can I melt her down and sell her?"

3. What does it feel like to be like a guy?

Jenna revealed to Ben during part 9 of her 16-part meltdown that she felt a lot like a guy and that this feeling made her uncomfortable in a room full of women. We're not sure how Ben was supposed to respond to this. Should he have said, "I know how you feel, because I'm also a guy?" Slapped her and said, "Get a hold of yourself, man"? Taken her outside to throw a ball around with Jaclyn? Really tough position for both parties.

2. What does kissing Ben feel like?

We posed this question to Kacie, Blakely, Courtney, the redhead in the hot tub, maybe some other woman, and Scotch. Here's what we can take away from it: It's dreamy. It's amazing. It's a feeling they haven't felt in a long time which, in some cases, is particularly hard to believe (coughblakeleycough). Of course, one of the best parts of the Bachelor is that the descriptions of the first kiss never change. How does this happen? Production, that's how. And we've recreated a transcript of the typical producer-contestant interview about describing the first kiss.

Producer: So what was it like kissing Ben?
Contestant: It was great.
Producer: Was it like anything?
Contestant: It was a like a kiss.
Producer: No, I mean was it like anything else. Like something from a fairy tale, or a sunny day?
Contestant: It was just a kiss. It was nice, I liked it.
Producer: Was it like magic?
Contestant: I've never kissed magic.
Producer: No, I know, but I mean in the magical sense.
Contestant: What magical sense?
Producer: Was the kiss magical?
Contestant: No, it was real. We leaned in and kissed.
Produced: Right, right, I get that. I guess I'm thinking metaphorically. Was it magical, metaphorically?
Contestant: Um, not really.
Producer: Hmmm. Ok. Ummmm, can you just say it was magical?
Contestant: Say what was magical?
Producer: Kissing Ben.
Contestant: Uh, I guess so.
[awkward silence]
Producer: Ok...soooo....can you say it?
Contestant: The magical thing?
Producer: Yeah.
Contestant: It was magical.
Producer: What was?
Contestant: Kissing Ben.
Producer: Kissing Ben was.....?
Contestant: Magical.
Producer: Ok, you're doing good, just put it all together for me now.
Contestant: Put what together?
Producer: Kissing Ben wwwwwaaaassss......
Contestant: Kissing Ben was magical?
Producer: It's not a question.
Contestant: What isn't a question?
Producer: You know.
Contestant: Kissing Ben is magical is not a question?
Producer: Cut! I think we got it! Great job.

1. What is Blakely?

There are rumors out there that Blakeley may be a prostitute, but in fairness, we started those rumors and they aren't true. At least not as far as we know. In a situation like this involving a VIP Cocktail Waitress, some might say, "where there's smoke, there's fire." We prefer the saying, "where there's a VIP Cocktail Waitress, there's cocaine."

As we discussed on the podcast, Blakeley curled up behind some suitcases and cried crocodile tears because she realized that this might capture Ben's attention. But after an episode like last night's, we need to follow the advice that Ben gave Blakeley when he discovered her trying to burrow into a Dopp Kit. "Take a minute. Collect yourself."

[Don't forget to check out the Raw Emotion Recap Podcast here]

GTOG Raw Emotion Podcast: Sometimes aging prostitutes just need to have a good cry amidst the luggage

2012-01-09T22:46:00.001-05:00

It's Week 2 of ABC's "The Bachelor," and that can only mean one thing: the Women are having feelings they haven't experienced in a very, very, very long time. Meanwhile, our man Ben is so real, so genuine, that it can only be coincidence that he is immediately drawn to the single hottest, least likable contestant. And the crying prostitute. Why did Curtis Painter get a rose? Why is Samantha stewing over Blakely in a toilet stall? And why did Jenna think it was a good idea to tell Ben she feels "like a guy?" The truth is right here. It's raw. It's emotional. It's the GTOG podcast.

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"Anyone have a suitcase?"

Attention Penguin Fans: DON'T PANIC! STAY CALM! WE NEED TO KEEP OUR COMPOSURE!

2012-01-09T16:13:00.002-05:00

By Artistry

Between the near total lack of information about Sidney Crosby and Kris Letang and new injuries to Jordan Staal, James Neal, and Craig Adams, we're facing a Lord of the Flies situation among Pens' fans and media on Twitter right now. We can only hope that none of the people calling for the Pens to shut Crosby down for the season RIGHT NOW or to execute a swift and significant roster shakeup ever has a finger on a nuclear trigger. We understand the frustration. We share it. And we don't disagree with much about this Pensblog post on Crosby. As discussed during Sunday's GTOG's podcast, the uncertainty surrounding Crosby's status has demoralized the fanbase and looks like it's beginning to infect the locker room. That can't happen. Here's what Ray Shero and Dan Bylsma should focus on this week:

1) Get the players in the loop. Dan Bylsma walking into a room, making really good eye contact, and saying, "The standard is the standard" isn't enough anymore. It's not fair to the players to be kept completely in the dark about the Crosby and Letang injuries, and it's not fair that the coaches are forced to try to convince them they shouldn't think about such things. They should know what management knows, and what Crosby knows. We don't subscribe to the theory that Sid or Sid's "camp" is keeping information from management, but as team captain, maybe a pep talk for the boys is in order.

Time for extreme close-up

2) Give Brooks Orpik the "C." We're fairly sure Jack Adams himself couldn't single-handedly shoulder the burden of getting this injury-ridden team to believe it can compete every night with teams like Boston and New York. That belief needs to start with the players.

3) Let's reconvene on February 20, 2012. That's a week before the February 27 trade deadline, which, for the calendar-challenged among us, is SEVEN WEEKS AWAY. The Penguins are 21-15-4. If they manage to win only 7 of the next 19 games through 2/20/12, they'll still have a winning record and remain in playoff contention. A team with Evgeni Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, and a hard-working supporting cast should be able to do that if it doesn't buy into the absurd notion that all hope is lost. How do we know this? Because a team featuring Bret Sterling, Tim Wallace, and Chris Conner for long stretches last season managed to rack up 106 points. In six weeks, we should once again be looking at a lineup featuring at least Malkin, Fleury, Neal, and Staal. In six weeks, we may have Letang back. In six weeks, we may have some better idea where we are with Sid. The feeling of uncertainty now is just that: a feeling. Deal with it. Things will be different as the trade deadline approaches - and we'll address that reality when we get there.

We may not enjoy these next two months of Penguins hockey, but if everyone remembers to breathe, indications are we'll live right through it.

Big Ben gives Steeler Nation an image to cherish this offseason

2012-01-09T10:12:00.000-05:00

"Adrenaline does some crazy things. You want to be there for your guys." - Clark Kent, on Superman's performance during game-tying, 4th quarter drive.

Somebody just broke the unintentional comedy scale. For a detailed and provocative take on an emotional Sunday for Pittsburgh sports fans, check out the GTOG podcast.

GTOG Raw Emotion Podcast: Tebow Eliminates Steelers; Have Penguins Hit Rock Bottom?

2012-01-08T22:14:00.000-05:00

These are turbulent times, but instead of docking at any port in the storm, come to GTOG. We start by talking about the Steelers-Broncos and ask where Ike Taylor's performance ranks historically and how much blame Roethlisberger should take. We then get into the Penguins' Ridiculous Injury Situation Part 2, the Crosby uncertainty, and whether management should -- or can -- do anything. Finally, of course, the Bachelor. These are emotional times. Experience them with us. It's the GTOG Podcast.

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GTOG On the Record for Steelers-Broncos

2012-01-08T15:07:00.001-05:00

For historical purposes, our picks.

Artistry: Steelers 17, Broncos 13. Buckle up for a game that will make you question everything you believe in, and then confirm you were right all along.

Finesse: Steelers 16, Broncos 10. The current negative karma overtaking Pittsburgh sports dictates that the Steelers' season not end until it becomes possible that it will end in the worst way imaginable -- in New England.

For our preview, check out the Roethlisberger-Tebow Tale of the Tape.

Go Steelers.

GTOPG: Pens Lose 3-1; Team put in timeout

2012-01-08T09:09:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

No recap this morning. Artistry, exercising Parental Law, decided that the Pens don't deserve one this morning, so he put the team in timeout.

O, Sid, where art thou?

As you prepare for Steelers-Broncos this afternoon, make sure to check out the Tale of the Tape between Ben Roethlisberger and Tim Tebow. Who believes in God more? Who has had more consensual premarital sex? Who is the better Leader of Men?

Stay tuned for a podcast later tonight discussing Steelers-Broncos, the Pens' struggles, and Brooks Orpik's quotes. It's going to be emotional.

GTOPG: Pens Lose 3-1; Let's Play Flip Side!!!

2012-01-06T23:59:00.002-05:00

By Finesse

It's easy to be down this morning. The Pens lost again to the Rangers, continuing a trend of not being able to beat the better teams in the East. The Pens were outplayed (though not as badly as you might think -- the Pens outshot the Rangers 38-21, and if you flip-flop Fleury's gaffe and Kunitz's interference, it's a 2-2 game), Jordan Staal got hurt, and rumors continue the swirl about Crosby's future, or lack thereof. It was a rough night.

But before we go into a collective panic, let's remember a few things. It's not even the All-Star break yet. At times this season, even without Crosby, the Pens have looked as strong as any team in the league. And most importantly, if all the goals that Chris Kunitz has had waived off this year had actually counted, the Pens would be undefeated.

So, in the spirit of remaining positive, let's play a made up game of Flip Side!!!, where I throw out a negative observation that one might consider making about the Pens on this gloomy Saturday and then attempt to put a positive spin on it.

- Marc-Andre Fleury has not played well and is no longer in the Vezina conversation.
- FLIP SIDE: You can still talk about him in the "Is he giving up 3 or 4 goals tonight?" conversation.

- Jordan Staal appears to have a serious injury.
- FLIP SIDE: If he's hurt that means he can't play and get hurt again.

- Zbynek Michalek gives up a 2-on-1 on every shift.
- FLIP SIDE: The opponent doesn't score on all of them.

- The Pens played someone named Colin McDonald last night.
- FLIP SIDE: The McDonald family must have been really excited.

More Flip Side after the jump...

- Matt Niskanen plays with what appears to be an absence of all energy, passion, and emotion.
- FLIP SIDE: That just means more emotion for our Bachelor podcasts.

- Brooks Orpik is back to 2007 mode where he backs in and lets oncoming rushers use him as a screen to fire high glove-side on Fleury.
- FLIP SIDE: The economy was better in 2007.

- Steve Sullivan missed infinite wide open nets on some 5-on-3's a few weeks ago.
- FLIP SIDE: He isn't injured yet.

- Half the time you scream at the TV, "what defenseman should have been there?!" the answer is Ben Lovejoy.
- FLIP SIDE: He was so cute on 24/7 when his face was all puffy and he scored.

- Dan Bylsma's famous "Grind Bitches Down" style seems to work for about 15 minutes, the Pens score once, then give up a bad goal.
- FLIP SIDE: Bob Errey's tips to win always say it's important to start fast.

"Ok, guys. Let's go to Plan B."
"What's plan B?"
"Keep trying to grind bitches down, I guess."

- The Consol Energy Center crowd remains the least intimidating crowd in the NHL.
- FLIP SIDE: If you want to beat the traffic, you just have to stay until the end of the game.

- Evgeni Malkin dazzles, but also turns the puck over more than anyone in the league.
- FLIP SIDE: Evgeni Malkin dazzles.

- Craig Adams is nice, but is really only valuable on a team that's playing well.
- FLIP SIDE: Craig Adams had a nice pass on Lovejoy's goal.

- Pascal Dupuis has been really quiet now for about 7 games.
- FLIP SIDE: Alex Semin is always quiet in 7-game increments, and he makes $6 million. What a bargain Dupuis is!

- Arron Asham is coasting on 3 good playoff games he had last year, but has otherwise done very little during his tenure with the Penguins and is too often invisible.
- FLIP SIDE: We would have lost to Tampa in six games, not seven, without Asham.

- Chris Kunitz has at least six goals waived off this year for interference or high sticking.
- FLIP SIDE: What a net-front-presence.

- Paul Martin is barely noticeable on the ice yet makes $5 million.
- FLIP SIDE: Don't they say it's good when your defensemen fly under the radar?

- Deryk Engelland went and got himself suspended for 3 games.
- FLIP SIDE: He probably would have broken is ankle during one of those three games.

- Tyler Kennedy is a chucker who isn't even that good at scoring.
- FLIP SIDE: According to Errey and Steigerwald, all these shots he takes that never go in are really impressive because he "changes the angle."

- Joe Vitale is so nervous to do something stupid and get sent to the minors that he stands and lets the other team punch him in the face after a whistle.
- FLIP SIDE: That's not even that bad, why am I still complaining?

- There was almost complete silence on Kris Letang's concussion recovery until news that he was skating on Friday morning.
- FLIP SIDE: As Tyler Kennedy has proven, the Pens have a proven track record of properly handling concussion recoveries.

- When Matt Cooke stops taking crazy pills, Matt Cooke plays like Miro Satan in 2009.
- FLIP SIDE: According to the Center for Disease Control, every 6.9 seconds, another person is not concussed by Matt Cooke.

- There has been almost no news on Sid's recovery, so we are left to latch on to statements from his agent that "he's training," even though that means nothing.
- FLIP SIDE: He's training.

Please keep training.

Penn State Reportedly Hires Bill O'Brien; Lavar Arrington Goes Insane

2012-01-06T09:59:00.000-05:00

By Finesse

Reports are that Penn State has hired Patriots' offensive coordinator Bill O'Brien as its next head coach. O'Brien has no head coaching experience and is not from within the Penn State "family."

This has apparently rubbed many Penn State alum the wrong way or, in Lavar Arrington's case, the wrongest way possible. From his Twitter feed:

Arrington elaborates in Blue White Illustrated:

"I will put my Butkus (Award) in storage. I will put my Alamo Bowl MVP trophy in storage," Arrington said. "Jerseys, anything Penn State, in storage. Wherever Tom Bradley goes, that's the school I will start to put memorabilia up in my home. I'm done. I'm done with Penn State. If they're done with us, I'm done with them."

Former linebacker Brandon Short also went crazy to Blue White Illustrated:

Said former All-American linebacker Brandon Short, "I don't want to be affiliated with the university if they don't choose a Penn State guy because of our standards, our graduation, all the things that have been important... it's no longer Penn State, so we might as well be in the SEC. They are intent on turning it into a booster culture. Ira Lubert went out and purchased a national title with wrestling and he's under the illusion that he can do that in football. Well, ask (Redskins owner) Dan Snyder about that."

"Penn State is a family and it is real and if they choose to get rid of Bradley and not hire a Penn State coach, then they've turned their backs on our entire family."

During the week that the Penn State program was essentially torn to pieces, the majority of the media and public divided into either or both of the following camps: 1) is there a way we can legally kill Joe Paterno?; and 2) ohmygod that 19-year old climbed a street lamp, someone get the National Guard in there and start shooting!

There were very few people who advocated a measured, reasonable response in the face of what looked like, and has proved to be, a terrible situation. [I did]. One of those people arguing against a rush to judgment of Joe Paterno's legacy was Lavar Arrington.

So much for that.

Obviously, hiring a football coach and reporting child abuse are of wildly different importance, but there is a stunning inconsistency in the way that Arrington, and many other PSU alums, are reacting. Why bury O'Brien before he's even officially hired? Why make ridiculous threats to give back your Butkus award when you know nothing about this guy? Why be so certain that PSU should have hired Tom Bradley, who, sorry to say, may at some point be shown to have had knowledge of some of the stuff that Paterno got canned for knowing? And who, by the way, didn't show so well during his dry run the last 4 games?

The media rushed to judge Joe Paterno...isn't that exactly what Arrington and Short are doing with O'Brien?

Arrington and Short oppose the hiring of O'Brien under the guise of supporting the Penn State family. But by publicly destroying the guy and the school before he is even officially announced as the coach is selfish and will turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. He's stepping into a hard enough situation as it is; for the guys who profess to love Penn State to go out of their way to blast the school and O'Brien makes the situation impossible.

Joe Paterno's tenure was doomed at the end, through no fault of guys like Short and Arrington. But O'Brien's tenure is doomed from the start, and this time, PSU alums will have no one to blame but themselves.

Eloquence's 10 NHL Predictions for 2012

2012-01-05T07:06:00.000-05:00

By GTOG Staff, with Eloquence

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, Eloquence, GTOG's Chief Technology Officer and Social Networking Coordinator, drinks Dos Equis. And he doesn't always write blog posts, but when he does, he makes predictions about the NHL. So we now turn it over to Eloquence: first he revisits his 5 predictions for 2011, and then ups the ante with 10 more for 2012. You can take these to the bank.

Scoring Eloquence's 2011 Predictions

1) The Devils are at the beginning of a multi-year struggle, but not asbad as many think it will be.There was a point last year that Devils had a record of like 3-30.GTOG is not hasty in our outlook. They finished last year with anincredible run but still missed the playoffs and currently 7th inEastern Conference. They’ll be on the bubble all year. 1 for 1.

2) It will help when Zach Parise signs a new deal this summer to stayin New Jersey.Signed a one-year deal. 2 for 2

3) Bruce Boudreau will not be the Capitals coach in 2012. Though in fairness I predicted he’d be fired before the endof last season or during the offseason after another early playoffexit. But, like I said, he wouldn’t be behind the bench when 2012rolls around. Good luck to ya, Anaheim. 3 for 3.

4) The NHL's popularity will gain ground in 2011 on the other threemajor sports.I don’t have the time or interest to analyze this, but l imagine it’shappening in some categories – esp. with the NBA lockout. The NHL hasbeen steady, big market teams are doing well, another 24/7 series onHBO, etc. I’ll give myself the benefit of the doubt and put The Onuson someone else to prove this wrong. 4 for 4.

5) ESPN will continue to suck. Recently, Finesse emailed me to ask if Burnside was reporting with a tire-fire behind him. Last year we think he was filming from hisgrandmother’s living room. And another point this year I’m almostpositive there was folded laundry behind him. Guess ESPN has to make room in thebudget for the virtual playbook and not listing any hockey players on the list of 2011 sports tragedies. And how could you possibly give theNHL more pixels on the homepage when news breaks that Rick Pitino willnot seek extension in 2017? 5 for 5.

10 predictions for 2012 after the jump...

Ten Predictions for 2012

1) The Caps will have their best playoff performance since the startof the Ovechkin era. Normally they coast through the regular season with little adversityand a style ill-suited for the playoffs. This year they’re facingdrama earlier in the season and have time to recalibrate before theplayoffs along with a veteran goalie. Look for a tougher team to playagainst.

2) The Caps will make a big trade sooner than later. Are they better than their record? Yes. Is this a Cup contending roster? No.

3) The Wild, while flying high for a while, will barely make theplayoffs and lose quickly in the first round. They’re -6 on goal differential and lack scoring options.

4) Detroit comes out of the West for the Stanley Cup. Better goaltending and same group of dangerous players. Blackhawkswill make a strong push, but will allow too many goals.

5) The Rangers will finish second in Atlantic. They finally look legit with a +30 goal differential and multiplescoring threats. Still don’t scare me in the playoffs, but not a jokeanymore.

"You want to say that to my face?"

6) Lindy Ruff will be fired/resign. Every time the Pens play the Sabres, we’re reminded 12 times that Ruffis the longest tenured coach in the league. That will end after thisseason with new ownership and an underachieving team.

7) The Sabres' new coach will have ties to the Penguins. The Sabres’ new executives, Ken Sawyer and Ted Black, spent years inPittsburgh. Sawyer was former CEO of the Pens.

8) The Flyers will cool off and finish 3rd in division. Hartnell can’t maintain this scoring pace. Giroux will face increasedphysical play and probably fade a bit as a result. Goaltending isstill a bit shaky. They give up three goals/game.

9) Winnipeg will win a playoff series. Just about every year there’s a big shocker in the first round.Winnipeg will do it this year. Why them? They are middle of the packin the major team stats and aren’t terrible in any one category. Theyscore and allow about 3 goals/game, have a decent PP and a decent PK.In other words, they can keep a game tight.

10) Scott Burnside will report from yet another obscure place but willbe interrupted with the breaking news that Lebron James announced thathe will celebrate his 40th birthday when he turns 40.

Handgun on the table?

Big Ben v. Tim Tebow: Tale of the Tape

2012-01-04T14:00:00.001-05:00

By Artistry

We're trying not to pay much attention to the talk surrounding the Steelers' first round playoff game against the Denver Broncos, because when we keep hearing things like, "This couldn't have worked out better for the Steelers," "The Steelers can't lose," and "Who needs Mendenhall, Ryan Clark, or a healthy Ben Roethlisberger, Maurkice Pouncey, or Lamarr Woodley, we're playing the Denver Broncos," we're pretty certain based on long experience that there's no upside to it. If you don't think the Steelers are capable of going into Denver and scoring less than 13 points against a very good defense, you haven't been paying attention. In any event, playoff games are mostly about the quarterbacks. And in Tim Tebow and Ben Roethlisberger, we've got one of the more intriguing match-ups imaginable. Who has the advantage? GTOG gives you the Tale of the Tape.

Thank you nicepickcowher.com for this picture.

Leadership of Men

Neither of these field generals are leaving men behind. That's a given. They both want to be out there for their men. And Tim Tebow and Ben Roethlisberger both in their own way inspire confidence in their respective men when they step into a huddle. But with Tebow, it's sort of like an "I'm confident right now because my quarterback sees into my soul and blesses me in a non-judgmental way" feeling. With Roethlisberger, it's more like a "He really is playing up that injury, but he might actually pull off this 4th quarter comeback" kind of thing.

Edge: Big Ben

Quotability

This isn't really a fair fight. Tebow is in the unenviable position of wanting to talk about his faith, but at the same time knows most people don't want to hear him proselytize. So he's stuck hedging with comments like, "I want to make a difference with my platform." Ben? Ben is nothing short of elite in this department. You could, if you were so inclined, generate unlimited blog posts based on wait-I'm not-sure-those-are-fake Ben Roethlisberger quotes. Or you could just print actual Big Ben quotes like these:

“I’d give myself a C-minus. So would you call that below average? Or is that average? I don’t know, I wasn’t very good at school.” – Ben, on his performance in Cleveland.

"The pain is always going to be there. I can deal with the pain. I’m not worried about that. I think the biggest thing is not setting myself up to get hurt in other ways or hurt it worse as a sitting duck back there. It’s probably not the smartest thing in the world to do, but if it’s just the pain I’ll deal with that.” - Ben, on pain.

Edge: Big Ben

Can Tim Tebow make a comeback? Find out, after the jump...

Big Game Performance

Tebow has a history of performing well on a big stage. In college, and at churches in third-world countries. He's only really started one important game as a pro: last Sunday against Kansas City. And he lost at home to Kyle Orton and may or may not have completed a pass. Big Ben is a two-time Super Bowl winner with a 10-3 playoff record. The knock on Ben would be that in his three losses (NE, Jax, GB), Ben let his men down by throwing 3 interceptions in each game.

Edge: Big Ben

Throwing Mechanics

You can turn on ESPN at any point over the next few days and they'll be talking about dropped elbows and hip rotation. Ignore that, and listen to us. Tebow can't really throw. Big Ben can't throw that well right now, what with the ankle injury and the pain, the unbearable, gut wrenching, no-one-should-have-to-ever-experience-this-pain-but-I-am-going-to-somehow-play-through-it-glory-be-to-God-pain. Tebow can't really throw.

Edge: Big Ben

Doesn't realize that the first down is the other direction.

Faith in God

It's tempting to give this one to Timmy Tebow without any analysis whatsoever, and we should really probably just throw the guy a bone at this point, because this is getting ugly. But who do you think Big Ben is pointing to after every touchdown pass? His lawyers? Nope, though he probably should. That would be God, and the same one that Tebow is pointing to at all times with his whole heart. Who is Ben talking to when the camera catches him Tebowing on the sideline in warmups? That would be the Lord, unless the Broncos are playing at the same time and the Lord's line is busy. Who do you think ranks just behind the offensive line on the list of things Big Ben has faith in? Say it with me: God. Having said that, we did just use Tim Tebow's name as a verb in describing how Big Ben demonstrates his faith in God.

Edge: Tebow

Roethlisbergering

Premarital Consensual Sex

Tim Tebow claims he is a virgin. But then again, Britney Spears claimed she was a virgin. WE'RE JUST SAYING. We actually believe Tim Tebow. He seems like an honest man, and a really good man. On the other hand, no judge or jury has determined by a preponderance of the evidence whether any premarital sex Big Ben may or may not have had was or was not consensual. Similarly, NO CRIMINAL CHARGES WERE EVER FILED.

Edge: Tebow

Comeback Potential

Much has been made over the last few weeks about Tebow's ability to conjure 4th quarter miracles and will his team to come-from-behind victories. In fact, much of the Tebow mystique is attributable to him sucking for 45 minutes, Matt Prater's leg and Marion Barber's brain. Ben Roethlisberger engineered 23 4th quarter comebacks in his first 8 seasons. Dan Marino holds the all-time record with 36 4th quarter comeback victories in his 17 seasons. Do the math.

Edge: Big Ben

Camera Awareness

Remember the time Ben limped toward the locker room, realized he was alone, then waited for the camera guy to catch up before shuffling ever-so-gingerly into the tunnel?

We do.

Edge: Big Ben

Obstacle Overcomability

Benjamin Todd Roethlisberger has had to overcome a lot of obstacles in his life. Injuries to his ankle, groin, knee, wrist, thumb, elbow, and his other thumb. Smashing his head through the windshield of a Chrysler New Yorker. Civil litigation. Thinking "No" means "Expose yourself to me over by the restroom." The Steelers offensive line. And every Sunday, he shows up and says, "Mike, B.A., I want to be in there for my guys." But really, as tough and as focused as he is, Big Ben on Sunday afternoons is doing exactly what Big Ben is best equipped to do. Tim Tebow is a nice guy with poor mechanics playing a vicious sport in an unforgiving media spotlight, and yet somehow he endures. My friends, that's what we call obstacle overcomability.

Edge: Tebow

Women of GTOG Hotness Ranking

If you missed the Women of GTOG NFL QB Hotness Rankings, shame on your for six weeks. Tim Tebow checks in at a very respectable #6 on the list, drawing comments such as, "That's a hot Christian" from my wife and "Is this Mike Tebow? He's cute" from my mom. Big Ben didn't fare as well.

Edge: Tebow

FINAL SCORE: Ben 6, Tebow 4

When you look at all this on paper, it sure doesn't look like Timmy Tebow has much of a shot, having only won the categories that have absolutely nothing to do with football. But don't get cocky, Steeler fans. We all know that faith, abstinence, obstacle overcomability, and good looks can win you a lot of playoff games.

Bachelor Contestant Gives "premature f*ck you" to ABC

2012-01-04T09:43:00.003-05:00

Stunning development. Via Bachelor contestant Samantha's Facebook Page:

Everything we thought we knew has just been called into question.

This Journey isn't going to end well.

UPDATE: She deleted the post from Facebook. Oh, Samantha. Too late.

Bachelor Episode 1 Non-Recap: The Raw Notes

2012-01-03T21:11:00.002-05:00

By Finesse

There is no time to do a complete recap of last night's Bachelor premiere, but I took copious notes and don't want them to go to waste. If you want a slightly more refined recap, check out the raw emotion podcast and our comprehensive season preview. But for this week only, check out the raw, unedited notes after the jump.

BACHELOR NOTES, 1-2-12

Opening

Ben would have regretted not proposing. It was the follow through that mattered to him.

Lives in the Full House house. This is how he rebuilt his heart. Works with his best friends.

Thinks about "personal growth, my discovery, myself."

Ben is still lacking that someone

Balcony scene supplemented with winery strolling. Helicopter along the cliffs. Piano music. What a Rennaissance man. Playing David Grey songs

Changed his shirt infinite times during the montage.

Maybe the biggest balcony ever gazed from [picture]

Chris

"Exciting new season of the bachelor"

Introduces Ben's love with Ashley.

What an unreal pivot to the camera on the left by Chris H.

Overlooking the 25 women

1. Lindzi likes riding horses. Old mouth. Lots of camera time. She'll be here for a while.

2. Amber T. from Nebraska shooting a shotgun. Much hotter on TV than publicity photo. She wants Ben to eat cow balls (beef nuts). THis is a huge setup for hometowns. Watch out for her.

3. Kacie..hardcore southern accent. Underwhelming until the tears about her grandparents' notes to each other from the Army. Shes ready to find somebody. Holds a heart up to the sun. Queue Ryan...

4. Courtney the model. "Not too concerned about the other girls." Here's your Black Swan. Nice eyes, mouth less so.

5. Jamie, works in maternity. Should have said Maternity nurse. Really out of her league so far. Tough time in life...NO DAD, MOM WITH DEPENDENCY ISSUES. RAISED HER OWN SIBLINGS. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HUGE.

6. Lyndsie with a British accent. Not pretty.

7. Jenna is a writer. She writes about love and relationships. "the overanalyst" is her blog. How does she support herself full time with a blog? How does she afford all that bronzer?

8. Shawn is a mother. Another huge reveal.

9. Nicki is excited about meeting Ben. Big time Texas accent. When she was 18, she met someone and got married at 21. Marriage failed. She's divorced. This woman is going home.

"REAL WOMEN TAKING REAL SHITS" COMMERCIAL.

Back to Ben gazing. He is ready. He has no expectations.

SHOCKING! The women like wine.

So many flowers surrounding Chris Harrison. Looks like he's in a conservatory.

Ben emerges from the limo. Driveway as glossy as ever. Ben clearly very nervous.

calling the ladies "women" this year. going to be a huge adjustment for us.

Chris Harrison with the non-question interview. "It takes a lot for a man to get down on one knee and propose."

Ben proclaims himself "available." Hope to hear the same about Lamar Woodley.

Chris asks about the father. Going to be a really looming story. Hummingbirds are the signal of his father. Expect to see a lot of Hummingbirds, perhaps even Hummingbird hunting.

MEETING THE LADIES.

Ben is anxious and nervous.

Chris, "Let the journey begin"

1. Rachel, fashion sales rep NY. She's very tall. Her middle name is Rose.

2. Erika. Has the body. Horrible joke to start. Not going to get any better.

3. Amber B. Ben really not impressed by her. She offers him a taste of bacon. GOODBYE!

4. Elyse, the personal trainer.

5. Jenna, the blogger. Really awkward silence, says she loves what Ben says, then screwed it up.. Ben not impressed. Really tough to watch. Ben is a dullard. "no game"

6. Courtney -- Ben really impressed with her physically.

7. Emily -- really tough to follow Courtney.

8. Samantha -- the pageant winner

9. Casey S. -- stunner.

10. Amber T. -- Very cute

11. Holly -- hat from Kentucky, Ben not impressed at all, but does sneak peak at ass

12. Jamie --

13. Shira -- says she knows everything about wine, doesnt know the answer. horrible joke.

14. Blakeley -- no personality at all, perfect for VIP waitress to stand in the background

15. Sheryl, 72 yo retiree...fell in love with Ben. Brings her granddaughter Brittney to see Ben. Tough to date a girl like that unless you're Ben Roethlisberger's size.

----commercial--- after first 15, courtney and casey in the lead. samantha struggling.

16. Nicki -- Ben very impressed by her. Clearly a brunette man.

17. Dianna -- cant even talk right now. Ben, of course, says well talk inside. Why cant he say anything?

18. Jennifer -- gives a bunch of numbers

19. Lyndsie J -- reads in british accent. Ben not impressed. He prefers dead silence.

20. Anna -- just walks right by not saying anything. Best conversation Ben has had all night.

21. Monica -- misses her dog, presents that as a "confession"

22. Jaclyn -- short and simple, two hugs

23. Shawn -- bigger than the other girls. attractive.

24. Kacie B -- very pretty, comes off as too young. promises not to sugarcoat anything. ben promises not to say anything.

25. Lindzi C -- comes in on a horse. You don't do this unless you're going to be around a while. The favorite among the blondes. Other ladies don't like this. Women sizing each other up ... got stuck on Shawn.

--commercial--

These ladies are getting DRUNK. Emily willing to do whatever it takes.

Courtney clearly there for the wrong reasons. Impure.

Ben enters the house

Nicki thinks Ben is amazing.

Three "cheers" within 5 minutes.

First alone time is with Rachel. That means she gets a rose.

Nicki thinks Ben is so "real" and "genuine". She's ready to open her life. Set up for failure? Protests too much.

Lindzi gets some one on one time.

Ben sits with the girl and her grandmother. Ben is literally saying nothing. Brittney has some Veronica Vaughn to her. Grandma starts crying in the car.

GetToOurGame

Ominous sign for Ben. “@AmesBrown: It's so key to be able to hold a conversation. Marriage is forever which means a lot of conversations."

1/2/12 9:07 PM

Theme of the night --- Ben is so boring. He's no Brad Womack

Shawn with a near nipslip.

Blakeley: "one on one time with Ben is super important...this could be the beginning of my fairy tale"

Called the pushups with the trainer. We know what we're doing.

Someone does a horrible rap ... we start thinking about how much better this season would be with Ames instead of Ben

Ben sits down with Courtney ... can't stop playing with her hair. Brings up the travel aspect and how hard it is to be a model and travel the world. This is not something that we can relate to.

Jenna is HAMMERED.

Monica starts to want to make out with Blakeley

What every guy is wondering is why Jenna cares?

Jamie secures a 1-on-1, rats out the conflict.

Rachel having a hard time not laughing at Jenna. Jenna thinks Monica doesnt care about Ben. This makes Jenna cry, we don't really see the logic. This also makes Jenna feel inferior. Rachel the voice of reason, seems to get the joke. We like that about Rachel. Jenna is literally not saying anything when she confronts Monica. Explains situation thusly... "maybe because youre a tampon sometimes."

Lindzi gets the first impression rose. Not a surprise.

Blakeley: "Reality is setting in. Girls are going to go home."

Huge rose ceremony coming up. [my brother] "this is big right here"

Jenna crying in the bathroom.

Here's Ben.

his speech: "you still all look as stunning as ever" aka, before you got plastered over the past 2 hours.

i want this music playing at all times.

1. Jamie (backstory)

2. Rachel -- the adult of the bunch. Seems to get the joke.

3. Blakeley (Monica claps). Cant win, ben may have just wanted to feel her hug him

4. Emily

5. Kacie B.

6. Casey S.

7. Brittney

8. Erica

9. Shawn (also wants the hug)

10. Nicki, Ben gives her a big smile. He likes her. Smitten.

11. Jennifer

[i like dianna but not the eye shadow]

12. Elyse

13. Samantha

14. Courtney

15. Jaclyn ... why????

16. Monica

[Ladies, Ben, final rose tonight. when you're ready. Chris cant stop smiling]

17. Jenna

Really disagree with some of his choices. Dianna??? Amber T?

How does Curtis Painter get a rose? Samantha? Did nothing. Really a terrible performance by Ben, we question his judgment.

scenes from the next few weeks

an unreal amount of crying.

GTOG Raw Emotion Podcast: The Bachelor Premiere

2012-01-02T22:48:00.003-05:00

What an unbelievable night. It's the premiere of the Bachelor and that means it's time for the Raw Emotion Podcast. We sat down minutes after the end of the episode to discuss the favorites, Ben's vacant personality, and his questionable decision making (Jaclyn???), but our plans were thrown out the window when we received a direct message on Twitter from Ames while recording. So huge. It's the GTOG Podcast.

Click here to subscribe on iTunes and make sure to check out our comprehensive season preview.

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