Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Brandon Sutter Nudity Situation is the perfect metaphor for this Penguins season

Look, we've all seen Brandon Sutter's penis. Three generations of Artistry's family have seen Brandon Sutter's penis. Finesse's dad saw Brandon Sutter's penis, and texted a picture of it to his son. Brandon Sutter's own parents and siblings have likely now renewed acquaintances with Brandon Sutter's penis. You can find the link if you need to. It's not a big deal. But you know what is a big deal? The Brandon Sutter penis situation. Because it's a metaphor for this Penguins season.

We begin by acknowledging that we're looking at a ROOT Sports broadcast, and ROOT Sports is notorious for distracting camera angles and general broadcast malfeasance. It's a surprise that Paul Steigerwald didn't come on the broadcast and say that the Pens have the best naked third line in hockey. Nice job on this one, ROOT Sports.

Next, we see that the primary focus here is on Tanner Glass. After nearly making it through an entire--albeit abbreviated--regular season in 2013 without registering a single point, Tanner Glass is once again in the spotlight. It is not a coincidence that Tanner Glass was prominently involved in a situation that went horribly awry.

Then Kris Letang appears. With a dazed expression and a slice of pizza in hand, he is genuinely out to lunch, unthinkingly opening the door to yet another bad outcome. Don't just stand there, Kris Letang, you turned over Brandon Sutter's penis! But even more symbolic, does Kris Letang even know he made a mistake? When he watches tape of the incident, does he even notice Sutter in the background or is he only evaluating his pizza eating form? Is he upset that the takeaway from this incident isn't "Camera Inadvertently Catches Kris Letang Eating Pizza"?

Finally, we see Brandon Sutter and part of Brandon Sutter's penis. There are a number of ways to go with this metaphor, and most of those possibilities are best left unexplored. Sutter explains the incident as a "freak accident," as if a pigeon got stuck in the fuselage of the space shuttle and caused an explosion. From our perspective, there is only one takeaway: Brandon Sutter, on the verge of his second 11-game goalless streak of the season, isn't even good at knowing where to be naked.

1 comment:

  1. In reading Sutter's explanation of the incident, "I'm not sure how it got in there" is what perplexes me the most. He also says he was in front of a shower, so my main takeaway from this whole thing is that Kris Letang eats pizza in places where you really shouldn't have food.