Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Top 10 Things That Sucked About The Steelers' Loss To The Cincinnati Bengals

By GTOG Staff

We told you last week in our funeral service for the 2013 Steelers that this season was over.  Last night's game, and the 14 more still to come, might as well be the dead actor montage from the Oscars.

If we were super lazy, we'd summarize the top 10 things that went wrong with last night's game as follows:

1. T
2. O
3. D
4. D
5. [SPACE]
6. H
7. A
8. L
9. E
10. Y

But we're only regular amounts of lazy, so here are 10 other things that really stunk about last night's loss to the Bengals:

10. The game was on national TV.  Not only does the game not start until 8:30 (meaning it doesn't end until well after 11pm on the east coast), but it exposes the entire nation to the sub-mediocrity that is the 2013 Steelers.  But who knows, maybe a good public shaming is what the Steelers need.

9. The Steelers have three more national TV prime time games, and at least three more that (likely) will be the feature 4:25pm game on CBS (vs. Baltimore, at New England, at Green Bay).  Those should be great fun.

PHOTO: Isaac Redman finds comfortable seat in backfield to watch six remaining Steelers games on national TV in 2013.
More on Ike and the Steelers after the jump...


8. Isaac Redman had 3 carries for 4 yards.  This improved his yards-per-carry on the season from 1.1 to 1.2.

7. You could take the best attributes of Felix Jones, Jonathan Dwyer, and Ike Redman, merge them into one draft pick out of Clemson named Fe'DwyIke D'wyonesman, and he still wouldn't average 4 yards per carry.

6. Tight end David Paulson caught a mild case of Burressitis when he obviously fumbled after a 34 yard gain, had a clear opportunity to pick up the ball, froze in complete shock (like the rest of us) that he actually caught a 34-yard pass, then watched as the Bengals recovered.  When you find yourself saying things like, "Hey, David Paulson turned out to be a decent draft pick -- he's playing a critical role on this team," it's going to be a long season.

How big would a fantasy football league have to be for David Paulson to be on a team?
5. That ghost "tripping" penalty on Marcus Gilbert.  Changed the whole the game.  It wiped out a brilliant play by Roethlisberger, who eluded the rush and fired a strike to AB, who took it deep into Cincy territory. Instead of the Steelers going up at least 13-10, it led to the go-ahead Bengal drive.  Awful call against a team with no margin for awful calls.  If that call never happens, the Steelers might have covered the 7 point spread.

4. This team can't throw deep.  According to ProFootballReference.com, Ben was 3-12 on "deep" passes, which means balls that travel more than 10 yards in the air (or something).  Blame for this should be assigned equally to Ben (who was inaccurate last night), the receivers (who aren't that good), and Kevin Colbert (who is in charge of getting good receivers on the Steelers).  Tonio is a good football player, but there are, at this moment, at least 20 receivers in the league who are better than him.  There are probably at least 40 receivers better than Manny.  Cotch lost 5 yards on a wide receiver end-around that was designed by Todd Haley to only lose 3 yards.
What's the worst that could happen if the Steelers gave more playing time to Markus Wheaton and Derek Moye?  Average fewer than 9.5 points per game?

3. Speaking of points per game, let's talk about Todd.  If your offense is averaging 9.5 points per game in today's NFL, the solution is not to recommit to the running game any more than the solution to not getting a rose on The Bachelorette is to do more magic tricks.


Great news though.  If the Steelers can manage to maintain this scoring pace, THEY WILL NOT BE THE LOWEST SCORING TEAM OF ALL TIME.  That distinction belongs to the 1992 Seahawks, who averaged 8.75 points per game.

2. The Steelers are too predictable for opposing defenses.  We've obtained Chicago's game-plan for next Sunday night's game in Pittsburgh.
  • On 1st and 10, tackle Isaac Redman for a 1 yard loss.
  • On 2nd and 11, allow a 6 yard completion to Emmanuel Sanders.
  • On 3rd and 5, sack Ben Roethlisberger.
  • On 4th and 12, receive punt.
1. All we know about the locker room today is that there are a lot of "It's on mes" flying around.  And while we don't know what each Man is saying to each other Man, we do know how we feel about this, and when we look at Mike Tomlin, we don't feel a ton of confidence that this is going to get turned around.  

A storm is coming.  And Mike Tomlin is still wearing his shades.

We're a long way from Dee-cember football, Men.

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