Monday, April 22, 2013

Forget Revenge: 3 Things Ottawa should focus on besides hating Matt Cooke

By Artistry

Dateline, Ottawa. Star defenseman Erik Karlsson works his way back from his Achilles injury. Senators owner and CSI Ottawa star Eugene Melnyk awaits word from his forensics team on the Matt Cooke investigation. And about 70 citizens of Canada's capital city are organizing a Matt Cooke "hatefest"  in anticipation of tonight's game against the Penguins. Said one of the hatefest organizers:

"Erik, we love you we're here to protect you. We have your back. We're not going to let any other players run you over."

In short, for the proud city of Ottawa, we passed the point of embarrassing conduct some time ago and are now on the verge of a mortifying civic meltdown.

Listen, we understand emotion. We value it enormously. But revenge against Matt Cooke is not what a team battling for the 8th seed in the conference needs to be focusing on right now. It's time for the Senators and their fans to refocus on three priorities during this last week of the regular season. We're here to help.

Read on...

1. Avoid the 8th Seed

Have you seen the standings, Ottawa?

Your primary objective needs to be avoiding the Penguins in the first round, not making "Wanted" posters and painting your faces like pre-teens at sleep-away camp. Your team scores like 1.2 goals a game, meaning even a shaky performance by Fleury guarantees you nothing but maybe a 4-1 series loss. You don't want that. And we don't want that, mainly because it would be excruciating to watch. [Ed. Note: Actually, on second thought, we want that.]

2. Keep Matt Cooke off the scoresheet.

There is some other history with Matt Cooke that you may have forgotten. Let us remind you. April 24, 2010. Game 6 in the Pens/Sens series. That time Matt Cooke sent you home. Instead of hurting him, maybe you should just try to contain him.

3. Start working on this playoff year's Spartan Introduction.

We know you've got another one in you. Please make this happen.

1 comment:

  1. I started to have my whole "who we want to avoid/what if" pre-playoff anxiety attack: Lundquist, and Tavares, and Anderson - oh, my!

    But then I thought: really - is there any goalie in the East, let alone skater, that could possibly stop this team if it's healthy?

    Boston is battling Ott and Chi for the Jennings trophy, and the boys still put up 3 goals against them - minus two MVPs, and All-star sniper, and a top-end puck mover.

    So what I'm saying is - bring 'em on!