Dateline, Ottawa. Star defenseman Erik Karlsson works his way back from his Achilles injury. Senators owner and CSI Ottawa star Eugene Melnyk awaits word from his forensics team on the Matt Cooke investigation. And about 70 citizens of Canada's capital city are organizing a Matt Cooke "hatefest" in anticipation of tonight's game against the Penguins. Said one of the hatefest organizers:
"Erik, we love you we're here to protect you. We have your back. We're not going to let any other players run you over."
In short, for the proud city of Ottawa, we passed the point of embarrassing conduct some time ago and are now on the verge of a mortifying civic meltdown.
Listen, we understand emotion. We value it enormously. But revenge against Matt Cooke is not what a team battling for the 8th seed in the conference needs to be focusing on right now. It's time for the Senators and their fans to refocus on three priorities during this last week of the regular season. We're here to help.
1. Avoid the 8th Seed
Have you seen the standings, Ottawa?
2. Keep Matt Cooke off the scoresheet.
There is some other history with Matt Cooke that you may have forgotten. Let us remind you. April 24, 2010. Game 6 in the Pens/Sens series. That time Matt Cooke sent you home. Instead of hurting him, maybe you should just try to contain him.
3. Start working on this playoff year's Spartan Introduction.
We know you've got another one in you. Please make this happen.