Thursday, April 11, 2013

Big Ben's Barracks: Ben will not leave Emanuel Sanders behind

By Artistry

[Int. Kevin Colbert's office]

Steelers General Manager Colbert sits in his chair, staring at framed picture of Ray Shero.

Colbert: "I know you can't hear me, but Jesus do I need you right now."

The phone rings.

Colbert: "Kevin Colbert."

Big Ben: "KC baby, it's Ben. How you doing? Listen, I want to get out in front of this Emanuel Sanders situation."

Colbert: "I'm not sure what you mean by getting out in front of it."

Big Ben: "There's an offer on the table for Manny to go join Tom, and we have until Monday to match. I want us to go ahead and match that today, not Monday. Get out in front of the situation."

Colbert: "I see. Look, Ben, first of all, I don't know if we'll match. It's a difficult decision. Sanders is a free agent after next season, and this puts us in a position where we have to pay $2.5 million to keep him for the year. Then he likely walks away and we get no compensation. If we let him go now, we get that 3rd round draft choice. In any event, if we match it, then it doesn't matter if we do it today or Monday."

Big Ben: "While I respect you, KC and the Sunshine Band, I could not disagree more. If a soldier is on a boat that gets taken out by a torpedo, and he's still alive and clinging to a mini-glacier like in Titanic, holding on for dear life, do you tell him, oh, just wait until Monday? No. You move heaven and earth to get him out of there.

Colbert: "Ben, I....That's just not a useful analogy at all. We need to look at the big picture here."

Big Ben: "Don't tell me about the big picture. I'm 31 years old. My window isn't staying open forever. If you leave Manny stranded on that little iceberg, who do we even have left at wide receiver besides AB and Cotch?"

Colbert: "Oh, you'll have targets. We've got Kashif Moore on the roster, Derek Moye, Bert Reed....Oh dear God forgive me (starts sobbing).

Big Ben: KC? KC, you all right? The Lord forgives, the Lord forgives. Hey man, go easy. You know what? WE FORGOT PLAX. We forgot Plax.

Don't forget Plax.
Big Ben (con'd): I don't know why that didn't occur to me. It's on me for even raising this issue and making you cry, KC. You know I approve of all the eight-figure contracts you gave to James, Troy, Lamarr, Lawrence, etc. If it means we're a little tight against the cap, that's the cost of doing business with great men.

Colbert: I guess so (sobbing). Thanks for being so generous about it.

Big Ben: Listen, I've got a big heart.

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