No one panders like Steelers defensive end Brett Keisel.
He showed up at the media center in New Orleans for Super Bowl week (shocker, right?) as part of some Head and Shoulders campaign. No word on whether he arrived in a tractor. His purpose there appears to be an attempt at rewriting history. Actually, that's his secondary objective. His primary objective is to get attention. That's always his primary objective. As we wrote in September about his tendency for shameless and transparent pandering:
We're sure Keisel is a nice guy, that much of his humility is genuine, and that he's undoubtedly been a key part of the Steelers' defense over the past several years. But as his physical skills have eroded with age, he's played Yinzer-nation like a drum. By growing a monstrous beard and wearing hunting shirts to training camp, Keisel has made an indelible mark on the Yinzer-psyche (especially women, says me, based on nothing) and this is not by accident. He's become such a world-class panderer to the people of Pittsburgh that he's going to come out of the tunnel in week 5 actually wearing a hard hat and carrying a lunch pail.But now? We're not even sure that any of his humility is genuine. After the jump, we analyze the interview he gave to Ed Bouchette of the Post-Gazette.
Real Quote: "We do have some really good young talent that needs to step up and start making more plays in order for us to win."
- Our interpretation: "How bad must these guys be that they can't get on the field over me? I'm begging to have someone take my job because if I get less playing time, then I can spend more time focusing on my real passion: drawing attention to myself at training camp."
- Our interpretation: "What I'd really like to do right now is string together a bunch of cliches that make me sound like I'm a team guy, when in reality I'm trying to deflect attention away from the fact that I lost the Oakland game for us and cost the team at least 50 seconds in the last 2 minutes of the first Baltimore game by jumping offsides."
- Our interpretation: "If I can get away with saying something this dumb and counter-factual, if you will, then I really do have the entire Pittsburgh media in the side pocket of my cargo shorts."
- Our interpretation: "I will not pass up an opportunity to call my teammates my brothers. This, of course, is apropos of nothing, but you people eat this shit up."
- Our interpretation:"This is the only thing I will say all day that actually makes sense."
- Our interpretation: "I led this team to a mediocre season. Who better to lead us out?"
- Our interpretation: "I have not been humbled in any way whatsoever. Hard hats and lunch pails everyone!!!"