Thursday, January 31, 2013

Steelers' Brett Keisel goes to Super Bowl to promote Brett Keisel and rewrite history

By Finesse

No one panders like Steelers defensive end Brett Keisel.

He showed up at the media center in New Orleans for Super Bowl week (shocker, right?) as part of some Head and Shoulders campaign.  No word on whether he arrived in a tractor.  His purpose there appears to be an attempt at rewriting history.  Actually, that's his secondary objective.  His primary objective is to get attention.  That's always his primary objective.  As we wrote in September about his tendency for shameless and transparent pandering:
We're sure Keisel is a nice guy, that much of his humility is genuine, and that he's undoubtedly been a key part of the Steelers' defense over the past several years. But as his physical skills have eroded with age, he's played Yinzer-nation like a drum. By growing a monstrous beard and wearing hunting shirts to training camp, Keisel has made an indelible mark on the Yinzer-psyche (especially women, says me, based on nothing) and this is not by accident. He's become such a world-class panderer to the people of Pittsburgh that he's going to come out of the tunnel in week 5 actually wearing a hard hat and carrying a lunch pail.
But now? We're not even sure that any of his humility is genuine.  After the jump, we analyze the interview he gave to Ed Bouchette of the Post-Gazette.

Real Quote: "We do have some really good young talent that needs to step up and start making more plays in order for us to win."
  • Our interpretation: "How bad must these guys be that they can't get on the field over me?  I'm begging to have someone take my job because if I get less playing time, then I can spend more time focusing on my real passion: drawing attention to myself at training camp."
Real Quote: "I'm talking about all the guys -- our young group of wideouts, our young offensive line, some young guys we have playing in the secondary. We need those guys to play 'A' ball, and, when they're out on the field, we need them to make plays in order to win."
  • Our interpretation: "What I'd really like to do right now is string together a bunch of cliches that make me sound like I'm a team guy, when in reality I'm trying to deflect attention away from the fact that I lost the Oakland game for us and cost the team at least 50 seconds in the last 2 minutes of the first Baltimore game by jumping offsides."
Real Quote: "It can't just be the old dogs, if you will; we need some splash plays by those young guys."
  • Our interpretation: "If I can get away with saying something this dumb and counter-factual, if you will, then I really do have the entire Pittsburgh media in the side pocket of my cargo shorts."
Real Quote: "You have a year like we did, with expectations like we did, there has to be changes, it's the way the business is. ... We'll see what happens. Obviously, I love being a Steeler, I love those guys in the locker room, but every year you lose some guys that you're brothers with. I'm sure this year will be no different."
  • Our interpretation: "I will not pass up an opportunity to call my teammates my brothers. This, of course, is apropos of nothing, but you people eat this shit up."
Real Quote: "They have a tough job. Obviously, everyone knows we need to get some guys in to help us. That's a tough thing to do. You have a draft to do it in -- they pride themselves on building the team through the draft."
  • Our interpretation:"This is the only thing I will say all day that actually makes sense."
Real Quote: "I feel like I can still get the job done. I feel like I have the front office's trust, I feel like I have my teammates' trust, I feel like I can lead this team out of this mediocre season."
  • Our interpretation: "I led this team to a mediocre season.  Who better to lead us out?"
Real Quote: "I said it earlier in the year, I feel like we have as many weapons on the team as we ever have. We just have to come together. Hopefully, this year humbled some people and, really, maybe we can get re-focused and come back better."
  • Our interpretation: "I have not been humbled in any way whatsoever.  Hard hats and lunch pails everyone!!!"

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