Friday, September 7, 2012

GTOG 2012 AFC Preview, as told by Huffington Post Women

By Finesse

It's that time of year again where we try to think of things to say about football teams we don't pay that much attention to.  That's right, it's NFL Preview time.  This year, our preview is through the lens of one of the most consistently fascinating yet baffling web pages on all the interent: The Huffington Post's Women's page.  These are all real headlines from the last week.

At my side to guide me through this preview is my hard-copy 84-page Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football Draft Kit, of which 54% of American males have a printed copy, but only 36% admit to having printed at work despite the fact that only 11% of American males have printers in their homes.  Let's get right to it.

NEW YORK JETS


Like whoever wrote this headline, the Jets appear to have no idea what they are doing.  They gave Mark Sanchez a three-year contract extension this March, which would be sensible if you could win Super Bowls for dating Kate Upton which, arguably, you should be able to do.  But then they signed Tim Tebow, giving them the dangerous 1-2 punch of the 25th best starter in the league and 17th best backup.  The Jets are the steroids of the NFL -- the media cares about them way more than the rest of us do.

PREDICTION: 8-8

OAKLAND RAIDERS



No.
Prediction: 8-8

Much, much more after the jump...


MIAMI DOLPHINS


Hey girl, forget Sanchez-Tebow, the biggest question coming out of the preseason is who is America's next sweetheart -- Les Brown's wife or Ryan Tennehill's wife?


Same neckline as Gosling's shirt.
If I told you that the guy whose wife lost that competition in a landslide is going to be the starting rookie quarterback on a team that went 0-4 in the preseason and got outscored 96-43, is there any chance you wouldn't take the under on their current over/under of 7 total wins?

Prediction: 5-11.

CLEVELAND BROWNS


According to my Draft Kit depth chart, the Browns are starting a rookie quarterback (Brandon Weeden), a rookie running back (Trent Richardson), and they are the Browns (Cleveland).  If you don't know what this is a recipe for, let's let the Draft Kit do the talking:
Weeden's rookie year figures to be ugly.  The 22nd overall pick will be throwing to the league's worst receivers in the league's toughest defensive division, and he'll get four games against the NFC East, too, which may be the second-toughest defensive division.
I'm sold.

Prediction: 3-13.

NEW ENGLAND


With a lot of teams which are hated by the masses (ok, not a lot, just the Miami Heat), public opinion tends to eventually sway back to a point where the former villains become semi-liked because they "deserve" to win.  Not so with the Patriots.  Everyone I know has hated them, continues to hate them, and will hate them well into the future.  Coincidentally, that's the same way Bill Belichik feels about orgasms.

"They don't do it for me."
Prediction: 13-3.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

You guys, in last year's preview, we picked San Diego to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl.  They still have Antonio Gates, who will forever be a nemesis to Pittsburgh after the 2002 NCAA Tournament, and they still have Philip Rivers who, just like last year, fits perfectly into both the redemption and the "it's his time" narratives.  For the first year in a long time the Chargers aren't seen as one of the favorites in the AFC -- that's a good thing for them.

PREDICTION: 11-5

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS


Like the NFL deciding to NOT move the Jags out of Jacksonville as soon as possible, Keltie Colleen is NOT afraid to make the tough decisions.  In addition to NOT having a bridal party, she has also chosen to NOT bring a bottle of wine to a friend's dinner party and NOT wipe off her mat after hot yoga.  Maurice Jones-Drew, on the other hand, chose NOT to report to training camp on time and, therefore, will NOT be in a lot of people's fantasy football lineup in Week 1.  I'm NOT going to pretend like I know anything about the Jaguars.

Prediction: 7-9.

DENVER BRONCOS


When the Broncos dumped Tim Tebow for Peyton Manning, it was as bold as a Bachelor looking Chris Harrison in the eye and saying, "I want to cancel the cocktail party. I know what I want to do."  Huge chance of a backfire here, so let's go to the Yahoo! Draft Kit depth chart and think worst-case scenario.  If they have a rash of injuries on offense (if God smites them), this is who they will trot out: Caleb Hannie, Ronnie Hillman, Xavier Jaffe, Matthew Willis, and Jacob Tamme.  One of those people is fake.  Don't mess with God.

Prediction: 6-10.

BUFFALO BILLS


Even after Ann Romney declared her love for YOUUUU WOMMMENNNN, I will assume this offer isn't "put your money where your mouth is" and not click it.  The Bills have some relevance this year, as they were OK last year when My Boy Fred Jackson was tearing up the league until he broke his leg.  Let's hope the same doesn't happen to Ann Romney's horse.

That was inappropriate.
Prediction: 10-6.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

This story reminds me of a guy I know who almost committed suicide but then discovered Blue Tub and ended up starting Google.

Game changer.
It also reminds me of Joe Flacco's eyebrows, which then remind me that Joe Flacco is actually a good quarterback who threw a perfect pass under pressure that should have taken the Ravens to the Super Bowl last year.  Unfortunately he threw it to Lee Evans.  This year, according to my Draft Kit depth chart, Lee Evans is not one of the top 3 receivers on Baltimore.  Torrey Smith is, however, and he's a beast.

Prediction: 12-4

PITTSBURGH STEELERS


Nothing says Labor Day like hard hats and lunch pails, and nothing says hard hats and lunch pails like a team led by its two captains, Ben and Key.  But when Ben and Key lead their Men out of that tunnel onto the field of battle, it won't be about the inspirational quotes.

"There's a fine line between drinking wine and squashing grapes."
It will be about the leadership of Ben, and the reviews are mixed.  On the one hand, he has 3 Super Bowl appearances, a phenomenal winning percentage and ACLs that refuse to snap.  But on the other hand, after almost every game (even the wins), I'm left feeling like he should have been better.  When you watch Brady, Brees and Rodgers, you rarely say to yourself, "What the hell is he doing?!?!?"  With Ben?  At least ten times a game.

This is not to say that I'm not happy with Ben as the Steelers' QB.  But it does mean that for better or worse, the Steelers go as far as Ben takes them.  It's just always too hard to say how far that will be.

Prediction: 10-6.

TENNESSEE TITANS


I am over 25 and I don't know much, but I do know that you shouldn't spend $51 on Chris Johnson in an auction draft when Tom Brady is going for $47, Matt Forte for $36, and My Boy Fred Jackson for $26.  Speaking of fantasy drafts, Artistry is attempting to become the first person to win a fantasy football league with two white starting WRs.  He should name his team "Lerone, Will You Accept This Rose?"


PREDICTION: 6-10

HOUSTON TEXANS

Here's the biggest question about the Texans going into this season: Are the two women in this picture smiling because mammograms are that fun or did they just share a good old-fashioned mammogram joke?

Doctor: What kind of bees produce milk?
Patient: I don't know, what?
Doctor: Boobies!!!

It's really not the smiles that are the most disturbing thing about this picture -- it's the attempt at eye contact by the doctor during the exam.  This would be like my doctor saying to me during a prostate exam, "turn around and look me in the eye."

Anyway, the Texans are getting tons of Super Bowl buzz, but there are two reasons why they won't make the Super Bowl: 1) Andre Johnson's hamstrings; and 2) because they let the consensus-worst-pick-ever-who-turned-out-to-be-the-consensus-best-pick-ever, Mario Williams, sign with Buffalo.

PREDICTION: 11-5

CINCINNATI BENGALS


Like this woman's apartment, the Bengals have recently gone from crappy to a little less crappy and almost no one cares.  The worst part about the Bengals' ascent back into relevance is the prospect of the Steelers trying to cover A.J. Green for the next decade.  It will get ugly.

PREDICTION: 8-8

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS


Of all the headlines, this is the only one that I couldn't resist clicking.  To summarize:

An associate professor at Texas A&M University kidnapped 150 students and made them watch the following shows: 7th Heaven, Gilmore Girls, The Tudors, Masters of Horror, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Law and Order: SVU.  Those who survived were asked a bunch of questions and the results were Martin-Luterian in their challenge to traditional orthodoxy.  As a professor from the University of Washington, who may or may not have been involved in the study, reported to Huffington Post: United Kingdom, "I think this points to the importance of strong women role models, both in real life and in fictional media, and how important these role models are for both men and women, or boys and girls."

What does this have to do with the Chiefs?  Nothing, yet everything.

In 2010, the Browns traded Peyton Hillis to Denver for Brady Quinn.  They are now the backup quarterback and backup running back on Kansas City.

Could have used a little more accuracy and a little less BUFFY.
Prediction: 9-7.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

From the author of "How Brushing My Teeth Makes my Mouth Feel Clean" and "Why Shoes That Fit Feel Better Than Shoes That Don't," Elizabeth Dosoretz brings you the epic tale of that Saturday afternoon where she finally threw away those tops she never wears and felt so ..... INVIGORATED!

Same goes for the Colts and Peyton Manning.  Discarding Manning was like Elizabeth discarding her favorite top: she felt awful about it, but it could no longer conceal the flaws it used to conceal.  No matter how sensible of a move it was -- and it was sensible -- it's sad to see Manning go to another team.  But those are the breaks, and the Colts caught a big one getting Luck at #1.

PREDICTION: An invigorated 6-10.

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