Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bachelorette Finale Recap: The JEF Rises

By Finesse

[Please excuse the advertisements that appear throughout this post, but based on what we see during The Bachelorette commercials, it's clear that there is a target audience for this show and that they all have the exact same needs.  We just thought we should get in the game and try to make a few bucks.  Hope it's not too disruptive.  Thanks for reading.]


It's the finale of The Bachelorette and Chris Harrison, the master of segues, really sets the stage for tonight's episode with the transition to end all transitions.  "There was a terrible tragedy in Colorado. [purses lips] Tonight is the most emotional television event of the season!"  Harrison is broadcasting in front of a live studio audience in Los Angeles, and as we'll see, these women (sorry to generalize) consume the show the way we do and the way it was intended: with complete shock and raw emotion.

They'd probably think MAT was cute.
We're in Curacao again this week and ... wait for it ... Emily is "really excited for this week in Curacao.  So excited, that I decided to wear an ankle-length skirt that doesn't allow me to take steps bigger than 4 inches."  Emily's family is also in Curacao, and they come bearing the blessing.  

JEF is first up to meet the family and he absolutely destroys it through the sheer willpower of hyperbolic declarations of love.  In response to Emily's mom asking, "are you serious about Emily?" JEF decides that is a softball question and instead responds to the question, "if you were a meat product, how much of you would leave Emily ever?"

"There's not a single ounce of me that would leave her ever," he says.

Not even when she looks like this?
So much more after the jump...

Emily's indignant brother Ernie deputized himself to guard Emily's heart and "protect Emily from heartbreak that none of us would understand."  He starts by warning JEF that Ricky Bobby was "the perfect guy" which sounds like a unique compliment until you think about how awesome your girlfriend thought you were when you were 19 and naively in love versus how she would feel about you when you're 28 and 50 pounds heavier.  Nevertheless, JEF endures on his mission to destroy every Wall his path.  

JEF gets crucial one-on-one time with Emily's dad and asks directly for the blessing.  "If you sincerely mean that," says Emily's dad, "then you have my permission."  Back at the studio after a break, Chris says that JEF got the father's "blessing."  Hmm, let's check the Hierarchy of Blessings...


"Not the blessing."
An equally determined Arie shows up to collect the blessing and gets an evil staredown from Big Ernie.  Arie re-gifts the roses that he got from Emily and the mom does everything in her power to act like she wants this garbage.  In a contentious discussion with Big Ern, Arie comes out on top after he gets Ernie to say, "I believe you're capable of that" in response to a statement that had nothing to do with that response.  Having learned from JEF's mistake, Arie secures the blessing.

Emily discusses the two men with her family.  Huge contribution from the sister-in-law who asked the controversial question, "Do you feel like you're in love?"  Other contentious issues the sister-in-law raised off camera included, "Do you think Curacao is the perfect place to fall in love?" "Do you feel safe in his arms?" and "Do you feel like the luckiest girl in the world?"


Ladies, does your stomach hurt? Is your toilet paper letting you down? Eating more yogurt may be the answer.

JEF gets the first date and with it the opportunity to convince Emily that he is ready to meet Little Ricki.  Emily is very hesitant about this, as she is concerned about what will happen if JEF doesn't get along with Little Ricki.  At this point on the show, do we really think that this meeting would not go well?  Alright look you little shit. Get out of that pool right now and dry off.  DO NOT DRIP WATER ON MY SHOE! DID YOU JUST DRIP WATER ON MY SHOE!?!?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS? IS THIS KID SERIOUS? GET OUT.  JUST GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!

To convince her to let him meet Little Ricki, JEF says, "you know how I feel about kids."  Quick update to the list here...

JEF says he thinks about Little Ricki every day and this convinces Emily that yes, I must show this man my daughter.  Then they go gawk at Little Ricki through glass.

JEF instantly bonds with Little Ricki the way all adults do with kids: asking them what is their favorite X. This is, in fact, the only question that adults know how to ask kids.

What's your favorite class at school?  Ohh it's science ... That's cool ...  Ummm ... So ....  Uhhh ... Yeah ... Do you have a favorite color? ... No? Ok, uhh ... What about a best friend?  


Ladies, does your stomach hurt from all that yogurt? Is your toilet paper stretched to the limit?  Try our 11-ply tissue, only $42.99 per roll.


The next morning Emily demands to see Chris Harrison, and she tells him that she doesn't know what she's going to do, but also that she knows she is picking JEF.  WHAT A STUNNER.  She is absolutely beside herself about having to tell Arie that she's about to dump him in favor of JEF.

She goes to meet Arie and finds him making her a salsa ("love potion") that she rubs on her wrists before breaking down completely and uncontrollably.  She is making this breakup as about her as possible and demands the opportunity to over-explain everything to Arie.  Back at the studio, a somber and reflective Chris Harrison stands before a shellshocked audience and says, "That clearly affected everyone here in our studio audience."  He then interviews past-winner JP and asks, "do you think Emily should have given Arie more time to fight for her love?" These people go from strangers to married in 10 weeks.  Give them an 11th and JEF and Emily would be proud parents by the end.


Hey ladies, is your toilet paper a constant disappointment? Have you thought about eating more yogurt?

JEF gets the good fortune of meeting with Neal Lane, America's Diamond Guy, and JEF is not intimidated.  JEF continues to raise the stakes for future seasons, declaring, "I will be the best husband and dad ever."  Or as my brother described it, "this is like watching someone hit a tennis ball against the wall by himself for hours."  (Less than 8 seconds later, my brother also said, "I'm going to be really pissed if this doesn't end in an engagement.  I feel like then there would be no payoff.")

The proposal itself is just more of JEF reading poems but at the end they let Little Ricki out of her cage and she comes running to meet her new Maybe Daddy.  Back with a raucous live studio audience in L.A., Chris Harrison screams, "THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL."  Emily says she is sooo happy with JEF that she'd be happy "with a piece of tape on my finger."  On the "Things People Say But Don't Mean Scale," that's right below "I don't care if you fart in front of me" but right above "I don't care how much money he makes."

Arie is brought out on live TV to talk about a relationship that ended months ago in an effort to get closure.  Chris's first question is "What do you want to say to Emily?" followed up quickly by, "What are the questions that have been burning in your mind?"  Had there been more time, Harrison could have followed up with, "Is there anything you want to say to Emily?" "What else do you want to say to Emily?" and "Say something to Emily."

Egregious hair straightening mishap.
Arie's big revelation is that he flew to Charlotte after the taping of the show to see Emily but ended up only hand-delivering his diary (what?) to her doorstep and talking to JEF on the phone.  We hope Arie answered honestly when JEF asked, "Is there anthrax on the pages?"  Arie is not upset, however, as he has come to be happy for not just Emily, but also for JEF.  "We have a straight friendship," Arie says about JEF, answering all of our questions. 


Hey ladies. At this point it's clear that all of you have terrible stomach aches and aren't getting enough out of your toilet paper.  Have you thought about having more yogurt?

Finally it's time to see the happy couple together and JEF is brought out to see his bride to be.  What joy.  The question is not whether these two crazy kids are in love, but whether such pure love can endure in the glaring spotlight of the public eye.  After all, who knows what will happen when they have 11 kids, trade three of them to Brangelina for Brangelina's best kid and future considerations, and become known only by their celebrity couple name?



  1. These recaps always depress me by the end.

    1. More accurately, the Bachelorette depresses you by the end, but THESE RECAPS RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN THE HUMAN CONDITION.

  2. If Artistry's brother is Brotistry, isn't Finesse's brother Bronesse?

  3. Your recaps are hilarious. The photoshopping is, to borrow a Bachelorette adjective, "amazing." I just found these recaps this morning and laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Thanks for making my Saturday.