Thursday, July 26, 2012

A Message to Shane Doan and Mike Wallace

By Artistry

As we waited last summer for our prodigal son to announce his return to the scene of his greatest glory, we wrote a song about Jaromir Jagr.  While this summer we contemplated a new NHL dream team, we refreshed our Twitter feed once every 45 seconds for news about Zach Parise and Ryan Suter. Now we're tired. So very tired. And we have a message for a couple of guys still ruminating about whether to show up in Pittsburgh.


This is probably just "Will he or won't he" fatigue, but I think my pulse actually slows when I hear Shane Doan is "intrigued" by the Penguins, or that they are "on his list."  Don't do us any f***ing favors, OK buddy?  You're 35-years-old, slow, and expensive.  Thanks for letting us know the Pens are still "in the mix," and that maybe, if fortune smiles upon us, you will visit.  You have been "in the mix" of things I don't care about for the last 15 years, you are still very much "in the mix" now.

Boy, doesn't this look exciting?!?!?!
Oh, what's that, contract talks have broken down with Mike Wallace? Oh no! Who is going to drop passes for the Steelers in December? How are we going to survive without signing a guy with 500 fewer catches than Larry Fitzgerald to a Larry Fitzgerald contract?  It's OK, Mike Wallace.  I'm sure the Steelers, who have never let a holdout dictate contract terms to them in the whole history of time, will make an exception for you.  Your agent is giving you terrific advice.  Tell him to keep up the good work.

Limas: "Did someone say dropped passes?"
That's enough for today. I could go on, but really, who has the energy?


  1. To be fair to Mike, his best season so far would have been, let's see, um, somewhere around Fitzgerald's third-worst season, so he's got that going for him. Plus you have to admire the way he hasn't allowed his game to become all cluttered with unimportant stuff like "learning how to run routes," and "making tough catches in traffic."

    I think it would be best for all concerned if Grandpa stayed in his Arizona retirement community.

  2. @Fasteddie the analysis of (Plus you have to admire the way he hasn't allowed his game to become all cluttered with unimportant stuff like "learning how to run routes," and "making tough catches in traffic.")......was awesome!

    I would add that now Mike has even more time to post gibberish on his twitter feed.

    I do have a trade proposal for bobby ryan that might create some entertaining discussion if anyone is interested. Mainly because AHHHHH I'm starved for hockey!

    1. Go for it ... what's the proposal?

  3. From everything I've read, Anaheim is looking for a center as key component of any trade they make in regards to moving Bobby Ryan.

    The pens don't have an extra second line center to make it happen that most of us woul be willing to part with, so we would have to go find one. And, since it may be too costly to move players/picks and then turn around and move them again, this trade will involve multiple teams.

    Colorado has a center most of us have heard of by the name of Matt Duchene. He's a skill guy who could fill a second line center role on most teams. But, he had a rough yer last year only putting up 28 points after scoring 67 and 55 in his first two years. So he could be the center.

    The problem rests in the fact that our main assets to trade are D-men and both Anaheim and Colorado have plenty of them under contract. So, here is the final component. Nashville does need D-men. Even with the recent Weber signing, our old buddy Hal Gill is their best D-man next to Weber. AND, the only other d-man they have with any NHL experience is Kevin Klein.

    So, ambitious/ridiculous or not I'm proposing a four team trade, between Anaheim, Colorado, Nashville and the Pens.

    The Pens would send Paul Martin to Nashville because Poile tried to sign Martin two years ago and was in the process of trading for him at the draft in June. In return we would recieve Patrick Hornqvist and a 2nd rounder. Those two items would be shipped to Colorado for Duchene because they need secondary scoring at the wings and Hornqvist while decent isn't what I'm after.

    Finally Duchene would be packaged and sent to Anaheim with Tyler Kennedy, a first round Pick and perhaps a guy like Olli Matta for Bobby Ryan.

    Now, I'm aware the chances of something like this happening are very small. But one need look no futher than the trade in 92 which brought us Ron Francis, Ulf Samuelsson and Grant Jennings to realize crazier things have been done.

    1. A four-team trade actually being pulled off would be crazier than the Francis deal. Also, I don't like Martin, but if you remove him from their defense without replacing him, and then look at who is left, it's frightening.

    2. Two valid points.

      Your right. It would be incredibly challenging to put something like that together. And, I know I could be undervaluing what the other teams would want and what our assets are worth.

      Personally though, I think Martin is getting shipped out of town. Kennedy could be on the trading block and the pens have too many 5th and 6th d-men that will never amount to anything more than a second pairing role.

      I honestly think the pens want either Despres or Morrow to pair up with Letang as their top pairing, and they are willing to live with the mistakes that might be made erly on because of the potential these guys have. Dumoulin might even throw his hat into the mix as well.

      Plus all of those guys cost less and are more inclined to be physical than Martin.

  4. Alright, by the lack of comments, I'm guessing my proposal generated an eye roll, a sigh, and a head shake. If so, fair enough...hahahaha.

    1. It kind of makes sense, but I don't see 4 GMs ever getting that organized. I also think that trading Martin without an NHL-caliber defenseman in return is too risky. If our top 6 was Letang, Orpik, Niskanen, Despres, Engelland, Lovejoy/Strait, that's scary ... for us. And even if you replace one of those guys with a rookie, it's still a rookie.

      My thinking on trades is that if we really have such a high volume of future NHL defensemen, then just pick a bunch and trade multiple guys. There's no need for 10 guys who play the same position, and at least 5 of them will probably turn out to be no good (prospects miss all the time).

    2. That's more than fair Finesse. It's just tough to watch martin contribute a whole lot less than 5 million dollars should.

      So I'd rather take the opportunity to try and land Ryan knowing he is a young elite 30 goal guy who is a right handed shot.

      If we have to cut our teeth with a couple young but high pedigree d-men I'm willing to watch those growing pains.

    3. 3 years of Bobby Ryan at his current 5.1 mil salary is A LOT better alternative than the contract Parise just got for infinite money over infinite years even if it means giving up assets to get him.

      I'm all for seeing the younger guys play, especially over Lovejoy (who isn't good) and Engelland (nice guy, but we know his ceiling), but only up to a point. And that point is the trade deadline. Despres, Dumouliin, Morrow, Engelland, whoever ... if some combination of that is getting 12-16mins a night in the playoffs, that's probably bad news. Especially because it's not like Letang, Orpik and Niskanen are not good enough to pick up the slack.

  5. Bens starting early this year;_ylt=AljqLkm_Ia6GNsmmeUH9xn1YYsp_;_ylu=X3oDMTE5MzIwNDRwBG1pdANCbG9ncyBJbmRleARwb3MDMzMEc2VjA01lZGlhQmxvZ0luZGV4;_ylg=X3oDMTFpMm9iMzh1BGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDBHBzdGNhdANibG9nBHB0A3NlY3Rpb25z;_ylv=3