Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Bachelorette Episode 6 Recap: Putting all your cards on the table

By Finesse

You had to know this was going to be a rough week for Emily right from the get-go as we learned that we would be without this season's central character: Little Ricki.  She was sent back to Charlotte with her babysitter while her mom journeyed on to Croatia.  

Emily: Hey, Kelsie! Are you available to babysit tonight at 6pm?
Kelsie: Sure, no problem.
Emily: Thanks, babydoll! I'll be back at 10pm next Thursday!  Bye!

The gentlemen couldn't be more excited to be in Croatia.  "Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love," exclaims JEF, somehow without saying the word "like."  Agreed.  Let's update the list.

So much more in the full recap after the jump....

Travis, the guy who carried an ostrich egg with him for 3 weeks to prove that he would never drop Little Ricki from a height that would cause her to be crushed gets the first one-on-one date card.  "Let's look for love beyond the walls," it reads.  This is trouble for Travis, as you never, ever, under any circumstance, scale the walls before they have come down.  

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty is a psycho!
The date proceeds exactly as scripted in the Bachelorette manual.  Woman declares that Man is the perfect person for a date where they will just walk around.  Man declares that there is no one he'd rather be with on this date.  Man and Woman buy wooden crosses from street vendor.  Man says that he feels comfortable being himself.  Woman says that Man possesses qualities she wants in a Husband without ever saying that she wants this Man as her Husband.  Man and Woman escape into an alley where an elderly person is playing "local music."  Man and Woman let out their "silly" side by dancing to the local music awkwardly for 20 seconds, but then quickly realize that no one has ever done this in real life so they leave.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Ryan wears this.

Travis rates his date with Emily a 10 on the-only-Travis-uses-this scale of 1 to 8.  Travis also received straight M's in school, he wasn't allowed to watch Rated-B movies unti he was 17, and he almost died in a Category XY hurricane as a child in Mississippi.  Travis tells Emily that he has had "zero" since his engagement ended two years ago.  Let this serve as our 54,000th call to have a clarification on what it means when the guys say they haven't dated in a certain period of time.  Does it mean official dates?  Hookups?  Sex?  We call for the following questions to be answered in everyone's online profile:

When was the last time you spoke to a woman before Emily?
When was the last time you had sex?
How many people have you slept with in your life?

Emily dismisses Travis, saying "in the biggest way, it just wasn't there."  Travis, continuing the trend of doing things that no one has ever done in real life, throws his umbrella down in the rain.

The group date is next and the gang goes to a theater to watch a Disney movie that we refuse to name out of principle, and cause we just don't care.  It's a cartoon.  Emily says, "I love this movie" and "The lead in the movie is exactly what I want to be and what I want my daughter to be."  Doug is going to take Austin to that movie.  In case you didn't know, Doug loves Austin.  But guess what everyone...there's a surprise in store!  That's right, we're having a Highland Games where the men engage in feats of strength for Emily while wearing skirts which, according to their reaction, is the single funniest thing that any of them have ever been asked to do.  

Doug, with arms almost as big as his heart, flips the log into the air like it's Apollo 11.  No one is paying attention to Wolf.  Chris performs as well as that tribute who stepped on a mine at the beginning of The Hunger Games.  Undeterred by his physical weakness, JEF declares: "Love takes bravery."

Chris wins the bravery award, and passionately makes out with Emily under a blanket.  We remain utterly confused by her attraction to him.  

At the group date cocktail party, Sean smothers Emily in a blanket, positions himself inches from her face, and whispers, "I missed you."  Arie over-apologizes about Kalongate for the 17th time, then pins Emily against a wall to make out with her.  Back at the hotel, Ryan describes what it is to be so confident.  "I wake up every morning and say who do you want to be today.  Most men do not do that."  Most men don't wear that tank top.  He also says, "I gain momentum."  We've canvassed GTOG nation, and no one has any idea what that means.

That wife beater stops momentum.
After the group date finally ends with Chris getting a rose, Ryan and Emily, the woman that God has chosen for Ryan, depart for their one-on-one.  Emily questions everything when Ryan calls her a trophy wife.  Emily has now questioned everything an infinite number of times without finding a single answer.  To help her find answers, Ryan presents Emily with a list of 12 traits he's looking for in a woman, omitting a #3 and a #12 and listing one of the traits as "catch my eye."  

1. loyal
2. logical
4. encourager
5. faithful
6. nurturer
7. magnetic
8. servant
9. unselfish
10. beautiful
11. catch my eye

1. It
2. Looks
3. Like
4. You're
5. Wearing
6. An
7. Apron
8. And
9. A
10. Bad
11. Futuristic
12. Toupee 
Emily says that she doesn't want to be in Ryan's mold, to which he replies slowwwwwwllllllyyyy, "that's a fair, fair statement."  He then engages in a type of Mexican standoff with Emily, whereby he stares at her while she refuses to take a single bite of what looks like Mexican food on her plate.  

Ultimately, she withholds the rose.  "This is very shocking," he declares before telling us that he has been blessed with "many worldly gifts."  Goodbye.

Arie continues his mission to overcompensate for his failures in Kalongate and is inexplicably permitted to go to Emily's apartment and make out with her in her bed.  Why is this allowed?  Who sanctioned this?  This is outside the script of the show and, frankly, the Fantasy Suite is not happy about it.  Arie achieves his ultimate objective of telling Emily that Ryan would have been a bad husband and reinforces his new commitment to never stop telling Emily that it will be ok.

Later at the cocktail party, Emily realizes that she still needs John to answer some questions for her, such as "who are you?"  Wolf (John) sees the writing on the wall and realizes that it's time to pull out all the stops.  And by stops I mean "funeral cards depicting your dead grandparents from your wallet."  This is straight from Chapter 12 of the textbook, "How to Exploit Dead Relatives to Get a Rose," although we hear that a last-minute cut was made to the episode or else we would have seen that Wolf is actually a world-renowned funeral card collector.

"Here's grandma"
"I carry this one of Andy Rooney.  Grandpa loved him."
"I remember watching the ball drop with Nanna."
"I scooped this Billy Mays right after he died."
"This is the guy who ate that guy's face. Not sure why I have this one." 
"This one kind of speaks for itself, you know?"
"Yeah, this is what I use to figure out what these are worth."
"Nate Dogg."
"This one has gone up in value recently."
"Looking forward to seeing if this one goes up."
"One of my favorites, for sure."
"Whitney. This is a keeper."
Not to be outdone, JEF snuggles up with Emily and whips out his own Funeral Card collection...

"I feel like I'm going to like show you something that like I feel really like strongly about."
"Liz has just been like a real role model for me, you know?"
"I know like his shortcomings and whatever, but I've always respected his sunglasses" 
"I traded my Adam Yauch to Wolf to get this one"
"I was really broken up when Vidal Sassoon died."
And because he refuses to let anyone get away with anything without him regulating it, even Humble Doug gets in the act...

"So because I like to think often about sons, I carry around these reminders"
"This is my neighbor Alan's son."
"This is Chris, he goes to Austin's school. He's just a good solid son."
"One of the best sons ever, in my opinion."
"This is a son I found on the internet. He seems like a great son, so I think about him."
"Even if you have a bad dad, it doesn't mean you're not a son."
Despite the desperation of playing the son card, Doug senses that he's behind the other guys.  Accordingly, he begins a "Writing on the Wall" crying session, patented by Tony earlier this season.  Under this formula, a guy with no chance of winning decides to cry about something other than losing out on Emily so as to set himself up with an excuse.  For Doug, it is, of course, his son.

The Rose Ceremony is next and it's down to John and Doug.  Emily ponders what to do, then takes the unprecedented and generally frowned upon step of interrupting Chris Harrison scheming on some random chick who sprints away as soon as she sees the camera approach.

Hey, he's single now.
Roses for all! On to Prague, the perfect place to fall in love.

1 comment:

  1. Nice photoshoppinggggggggggg.

    I still can't believe you have a Vizio!

    Also, my secret code word to publish this comment was "strehend!"