The Bachelorette starts tonight, so get your goddamn walls down.
For those who don't know Emily, here's her backstory in a nutshell. She was engaged at 18 to a racecar driver named Ricky. We'll call him Ricky Bobby. Ricky perished in a plane crash on the way to a car race. Emily was supposed to be on the plane, but didn't go because she felt sick. Then she found out she was pregnant with Ricky Bobby's baby. She birthed a daughter named Ricki. We'll call her Little Ricki. Tragic story, no words, thoughts-and-prayers, etc, etc...
|This woman is ready to fall in love.|
Let's meet the candidates after the jump...
The best thing about John is his comprehensiveness. He doesn't go for brief mottos like, "Because I'm worth it" or "All for One, One for All" or "Give me liberty or give me death." No, that's not John. Because John's motto is, "You only live once, experience as much as possible so you can be a great story teller to your grandkids."
Hey granddaddy, can you tell me a story?!?!
Why sure, sonny, of course. I was in Acapulco in 2001 with my high school buddies and we met this group of girls from outside of Detroit. I think they went to Michigan, although it may have been Michigan State, I'm not sure. Actually, on second thought, it was most likely Michigan State. They weren't that bright. Anyway ... wait, what was I saying?
Actual Name: Kalon
Our reaction to that being his name: Completely unsurprised.
Why he won't win: Because he misunderstood when the producers said, "We're looking for someone with white jeans." They meant white genes.
Race is usually a sensitive subject for people. But not on the Bachelor, where race is not the color of your skin, but the complexity of your plaid shirt. "I have a dream," said Chris Harrison from atop a helicopter in 2002, "that my twenty-five little bachelors will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged just by how white they are, but by how plaid their shirt is."
We admire Lerone's courage. GTOG is on Team Lerone.
|The Full Ames Brown|
Ames should not be a gimmick. Never. Ever.
But even if Ames is taken advantage of, or concussed, or both, there is no question that he should be given -- nay, he has EARNED -- a place on this show, even if it's in some sort of Love Consultant position where he guides and protects Emily's heart on her journey to find her true spiritual counterpoint and, when necessary, gives her that delicate love under the magnolia tree that only Ames can give deliver. Very few men have the capacity to love like Ames does. Whatever ABC has in store for Ames, he will be ready. And so will we.
1. Michael's first favorite artist is John Mayer.
2. Michael's second favorite artist is Bruno Mars.
3. Michael's third favorite artist is Justin Timberlake.
4. If Michael could be anyone for a day, he'd be Ryan Gosling because he is "young, talented, and powerful."
5. Michael "loves surprising people."
Michael is ____.
With 41 years of life comes 41 years of love. This man has loved before, and he's been hurt before. He's just looking to love again.
(Side note: Ames can cram 41 years worth of love in between two sunsets).
Favorite food: I like peanut butter and jelly because it reminds me of love.Charlie is from Tennessee and he's a "recruiter" so you know he's just a big ball of charm. That's everything to Emily. He'll be around for a while.
What is your greatest achievement to date? I played college football at Tennessee Chattanooga and I recovered a fumble. It was my own fumble, but I recovered it.
What is your favorite holiday? Christmas Eve, with Christmas a close second.
If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be? Nobody, I'm pretty in love with myself.
(Side note: A girl I know told me that Ames showed her the greatest love she's ever felt. And she's never even met Ames).
|The Power Ballad|
Is it the I-just-did-50-pushups-before-this-picture faux-swell he has going on? Nope. Is it the wavy locks that leave open the possibility of a bald spot? Nope. Is it that I might have the same watch? Could be, but still no.
No, it's much simpler. David is a singer-songwriter. And we've gone about 4 seasons without a true pour-my-heart-out-my-walls-are-down-oops-I-didn't-get-the-rose-ummm-this-is-embarrassing power ballad. It's coming.
|The Washington Capital|
Have to give Doug a ton of credit for breaking from the mold and going with the fingers in the pocket with the thumb exposed. It's a risky move, and a little too transparent for my taste, but it should be enough to get a rose on the first night.
But here's the real reason Randy can't win. This is from his bio:
I hate it when my date:Seriously, Randy? "Nothing is so bad that you can't get through it" is your motto? That's not something you say on TV. That's something you say when you're losing your virginity.
Doesn't get my jokes.
What is your biggest date fear?
Sitting there with nothing to talk about.
What is your motto?
Nothing is so bad that you can't get through it. Enjoy life.
|The Fitness Model|
I don't like Jackson, and it's because of his shirt. Who does he think he is, Ames? Who is he to wear Ames's patented three breast pocket, two shoulder flap, two arm pocket, two random arm snaps shirt?
(Side note: Ames opened an organic shirt factory in Vietnam and pays everyone $33/hour plus benefits and a matching 401k plan).
"Hey Ricki babydollbabygirl, this is John Paul, like the Pope, and he's going to be your new daddy. He says that if he could have one super power, it would be Pacifier powers, and not something cool like G.I. Joe or Transformers or Navy Seals, and that he wants to rid the world of wars and guns and big explosions. Now I know you're wondering whether he wants the terrorists to win, but that's big girl talk and you're still my little angel. And you're God's angel. Don't let anyone ever forget that.
|The Risk Avoider|
Here's what we learn from Aaron's bio: He hates dancing. He's never had a conversation that was stimulating, funny, and thought-provoking at the same time. He's shy when it comes to making contact with women and chooses to wait for them to pursue him. He "prepares too much for the future" and doesn't live for today.
Forget wondering whether his emotional walls are down -- I'm not sure Aaron has ever been outside the walls of his gated community. But if you don't think he's coming in Walls Up then tearing those walls down, then you don't know how walls work. We know our walls, and so does Emily. She loves his maturity, the way that she feels protected by his layered cash-value life insurance policies, his whole life policies, his term life policies, and his annuities.
(Side note: Ames spent 6 months cultivating mushrooms in Ecuador and once revived a dying portobello using nothing but a coffee stirrer and a piece of gum).
Emily will like Alejandro because he is South American and that will be exotic to her. But it will also be scary. Little Ricki will not be spending any time in Bogata, especially once Emily finds out that the three things Alejandro would want with him on a deserted island are a knife, duct tape, and a picture of his mom.
EXCEPT: His name is Alessandro and he's a grain merchant in St. Paul. That suggests that he isn't Southern. Not sure what to make of this guy. Our walls are up.
|The Jean Girard|
Arie will evoke powerful memories of Ricky Bobby when the producers make Emily fly to a race track in the same model private plane that Ricky Bobby crashed in to go racing with Arie while he talks in Netherlandese and they discuss how racing is just part of who Arie is. But ultimately, his greatest strength (racecar driver) will prove to be his greatest weakness (racecar driver).
(Side note: Ames once read a book to twelve different first grade classes at different schools at the same time. All in person).
Speaking of crazy eyes, let's take a stroll down Crazy Eyes Lane..
|The Missed a Spot Shaving|
(Side note: Ames once put his thumb in his pocket, but it was to feed a baby panda he rescued from poachers in China).
Asked, for obvious reasons, "What is your favorite journey?" he replied, " Life! It's definitely a journey, and I love everything it has to offer!"
This guy is in it to win it.
|This Guy is Named Travis and Probably has a Southern Accent; Therefore, He Might Win|
Travis: No, I can't do that.
Sven: No, do it, it is so beautiful!
Travis: Have you seen how tight these jeans are?
Sven: Are you saying no to me, the great Sven!!!???
Travis: I told you, it's too tight.
Sven: I cannot work like this! This is exasperating! Jennifer!? Jennifer can you come here please?!
Jennifer: Yeah, what's up?
Sven: This guy is saying that his pants are too tight to put his thumbs in his pocket.
Jennifer: Hmm, are you sure you can't fit them?
Travis: Yeah, I'm sure, I've been trying for 10 minutes.
Jennifer: Ooohh, ok. Well, can you just leave your hands hanging?
Sven: I simply cannot, and will not photograph a man whose hands are merely hanging by his sides. It's unfathomable!
Jennifer: Right. Ok, Travis, can you fold your arms?
Sven: No! The purple is too pure! We musn't block any of it.
Jennifer: Okkkk, ummm, what if you just put your hands on your legs like they're in your pocket, but they're actually on top of your pockets?
Jennifer: Yeah, give it a shot.
Travis: Alright....like this?
Jennifer: Great! How's that, Sven?
Sven: I will take this photograph, but I refuse to continue working in these conditions.
|This Guy Is An Actual Person|
He looks like one of the super skinny male models for some hipster t-shirt company where you sit there and say to yourself, 1) I am better looking than this guy; and 2) I've never met a man who aspires to look like this.
Oh also, his name is Jef. With one f.
That could be a bowling shirt, I'm not sure. Either way, there's a 98% chance that he was so tall growing up that everyone kept making him play basketball until he was 17, and he wore Rec-Specs and a red bracelet and sucked at basketball.
Asked, "Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?" Nate responded, with what is clearly a special blend of leadership and enthusiasm, "Center of attention – I believe I put here on earth to lead people and spark up enthusiasm within them."
This is a man we'll follow. Until the second Rose Ceremony.
I like a Hometown of John (The Storyteller), Charlie (The Recruiter), Tony (The Journeyer) and Travis (The Travis). I think Tony gets cut before Fantasy Suite night, and Charlie underwhelms Emily. Travis pulls it off in the end, ousting John because on a second glance at John he looks kind of boring.
-John - receding hairline signals maturity. From Missouri, which means he's not a southern man, but he ain't no yankee, neither. Prefers solo sports, because he likes pressure, and Emily loves alpha males. He wants grandkids, so get busy, little Ricki.
-Sean - Blond hair, blue eyes - check. From Dallas - check. Insurance agent - check.
-Lerone - What? Isn't it obvious?
-Arie - A racecar driver from the Netherlands? Thank you, reality tv gods. This is almost to wonderful to contemplate.
Fantasy Suite: John, Sean, and Arie.
Final 2: John and Sean
Hometowns: David, Lerone, Sean, John
Fantasy Suite: David, Lerone, Sean
Finals: Sean and David