Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Bachelorette Episode 2 Recap: Emily Bachelorettes on a Budget

By Finesse

[Listen to the Raw Emotion Podcast here]

Two hours into Bad Boys 2, after the movie should have ended twice, Martin Lawrence learns that his sister has just been taken hostage in Cuba.

And when Chris Harrison delivered the first date card last night in Charlotte, shit got even realer, or so declared one of the anonymous white guys who looks like Jose Canseco circa 1988.  The coveted first date goes to Ryan, who credits his pastor.

Not getting the first one-on-one date confuses and angers Kalon, the rich guy who lacks charm, wit, looks, manners, and the ability to comprehend the basic premise of a dating show but is otherwise a great catch.  You see, Kalon had sketched out the season in advance and submitted his plan to the producers.

Episode 1: Emily meets Kalon.
Episode 2: The End.

So much more, after the jump...

Ryan wonders whether the date will be a private plane ride or a hot air balloon ride which is, in all seriousness, exactly what he should be wondering.  The other men are left to sit poolside debating whether to wear their regular v-neck, deep v-neck, or scoop neck purple t-shirt.  It's split about 1/3 each.

Emily takes Ryan to her kitchen to bake cookies.  She is using this date as a test to see if Ryan would be a good husband because husbandry requires you to bake cookies every single day.  How do you think Emily got that figure?  We at GTOG are incredibly disappointed at this Bacheloretting on a Budget.  It's unrecognizable.

(Meanwhile, Ames tweets this picture of himself playing cricket in India.)

The Most Interesting Man in the World
After they finish baking the cookies, Emily makes Ryan sit in the car and watch her give cookies to Ricki.   At dinner, Emily asks Ryan how many girlfriends he has had.  Rather than give an honest answer -- "you mean how many have I had or how many girls have thought they were my girlfriend?" -- Ryan says 2.  A huge crowd watches them dance to something called Gloriana, confirming that Gloriana sucks, and Emily is officially America's Sweetheart.  Taken out of context, the two takeaways from this date are that Ryan thinks Emily is most attractive in the kitchen and a 30-something man sat alone in a car watching 7 year old girls at soccer practice.

"If you're here for less than 20 minutes, the police won't say anything."
What ensues on the group date for the variety show with Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy is nothing short of utter boredom, save for Charlie's debilitating fear of public speaking.  Let's let the pictures tell the story.

Emily banters with Kermit...
...while Chris Harrison, the NEWLY SINGLE Chris Harrison, mixes it up with fans...
...and these people signed a waiver allowing ABC to actually show their faces at this performance...
...and this is a 30 year old man who goes by "Wolf," but who will probably be going by "I'm back home" next week...
...and this guy is thinking, "I could be any one of at least 4 guys on this show. I don't even know my name."...
...and this will be the Sum of all Bachelorettes in 2032...
...and here's someone who isn't white...
...and if this guy isn't every southern girl's dream then Baby Jesus isn't even real...
...and Kalon is made out of wax...
...Little Ricki...
...and he's still NEWLY SINGLE ladies...
...and Emily and Kalon would have babies made out of polyurethane..
...and this guy is thinking, "I also don't know which one I am.  In fact, I may be the same one from before."...
...and here's Charlie, who gained 40 pounds of muscle while in a coma...
..."Yay Charlie!!!"...
...and here's JEF reminding everyone that it's a soft J, silent F ...
...and here's JEF offering to show the people his chain wallet...
...and here's Charlie again with one obstacle overcome and another 20 pounds of bulk.
JEF and Emily then have a conversation.  Emily asks, "Where the hell is JEF? Like, where has he been all day?" Our JEF beat writer will take this one:
Answer: He's right where he wants to be, Emily. In. Your. Head. Other acceptable answers: He's everywhere. He's nowhere. He's all around us. He's in the air we breathe, in the thoughts we think, in the dreams we dream. He's saving the world. He's in the bathroom. He's recruiting Wiz Khalifa to promote his super-hip bottled water company. 
It's early, but I'm calling it: JEF is the Kermit to Emily's Miss Piggy. These two are meant to be together, and once she eventually gets those grubby porkchops on those cute little webbed feet, they'll ride off on that skateboard into the Charlotte sunset. 
The key word is eventually. For now, JEF is playing it cool. Like, super cool. About 90 percent of that can be attributed to the bouffant. Whatever product he's using is giving him a solid return on good hair days, which everyone knows can be a huge confidence boost. The other 10% is that JEF truly does not give a F.

After Kalon tells Emily that he takes beautiful women whenever he so chooses (<-- confessing a crime), Stevie and Kalon discuss how much they dislike each other, and compete to see who America can like less.  Emily tells Chris that he is so good looking, which arguably destroys the credibility of everything that she's done in her entire life, but that's not how we see it -- it confirms that Emily knows how to play the game.  She may look chiseled out of porcelain, but you can't underestimate her.  It comes time for the group date rose and, in an absolute shocker, it goes to JEF.

Emily's next one-on-one is with someone named Joe.  Outside of Joe's mutton chops and his botching of an answer to the 5-year-plan question, the only redeemable part of this date is putting notes in the Greenbriar's love clock as if it were the Western Wall.

"I pray for Bubbe's health"
Joe wrote that he wants a forever with Emily.  Emily wrote Joe directions home from West Virginia.

"In 5 years, I see myself having the entire right side of my face covered by that sideburn."
Meantime, back at the mansion, Doug and Kalon get into a heated debate about fatherhood.  Kalon believes that Doug put his fathering on hold to come from Seattle to Charlotte to film a dating show for 2 months.  Doug demands an apology from Kalon.  Instead, this happens:

"You know, I don't really see the point in public transportation."
"It just seems like a way to shuffle poor people from their poor house to their poor job."
"Yeah, grocery shopping, too, is something that doesn't do it for me."
"Sometimes I stand outside of bars and laugh at the people in line."
"I don't understand why anyone would drink tap water."
"The pool in my bedroom growing up had a pipeline that pumped in freshwater from the Arctic."
"Look, if it offends you that I stole $100 from your wallet just to defecate on it, I apologize."
"It's not like I can't replace the $100."
"Doug, if it will make you feel better, I'll buy your son."
"I mean, I'll buy something for your son."
"Really, what does he want? Does he have anything? He probably doesn't."
"I love kids, that's what you don't understand."
"If he's ironing his own pants, I can't get someone over to your place to help with that."
"Sometimes I pretend I'm not me to know what it feels like to be jealous."
"I haven't sneezed in 14 years."
"Dude, that wasn't my GHB."
"Whatever. Is this pool filtered?"
It's cocktail party time, and that means fighting for precious time with Emily.  Ryan decides it's a great time to deliver a SEVEN PAGE HANDWRITTEN LETTER for her to read aloud while poor Tony stands there listening to the entire thing.  Do you know how long 7 handwritten pages is?

This guy does.
...and still does.
...and still does.
With Tony finally having gotten his opportunity to tell Emily that he has a son, thereby saving himself for one more week, it's time for the Rose Ceremony.  It progresses like most rose ceremonies do -- that is, two guys who you've never seen before but feel like you always see on this show get eliminated.  But a man the likes of whom we've never seen before remains.



  1. Can we find out the name of JEF's bottled water company? Is it JEF, Inc? It should be.

  2. It's People Water. Even better.

  3. I can't believe you have a Vizio.