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In our highly acclaimed Bachelor season preview, we pointed out something that no one else was talking about: Lindzi with a zi claimed to be allergic to the sun. On a show where at least 50% of your time is devoted to swimming with the sea animal of which you are most terrified, this type of affliction poses an enormous threat to one's ability to earn the fairy tale. So how has Lindzi overcome this affliction to not only achieve a level of tan-ness previously attainable only by Photoshop but also to earn the privilege of bringing a winemaker back to her hometown?
|One eye on Ben, one eye on the sun.|
This week's episode began as they all do -- Ben declares that he is on his way to finding love, but he just doesn't yet know the answers to who, what, when, where, why, or how. No matter, because this episode wasn't about Ben's love, but about Kacie B's love for Ben, as she declared in the opening, "I'm as in love with Ben as I can get." As are we.
Chris Harrison emerges and says, "Let's talk about how big this week is," then describes how it's virtually identical to all the other weeks, and then brings it full circle to say, "It's going to be a huge week here in Belize." The first date card has a play on words of "sea" -- get it, "see" --and goes to Lindzi. This evokes a range of emotions in the women. Rachel, Courtney and Emily feel envious, while Nicki and Kacie B. feel innvious.
|"I'm so innvious of youuu, Bin"|
|"Lindzi, how could you forget to pack the CO2 replacement cylinders?!|
|Ben: "I feel like I'm 11 years old riding with my best friend!"|
Emily: "You are so totally in love with me!"
Thankfully, we've used our inside sources at the show to obtain unaired transcripts of the Ladies' reaction to other date-cards that were tried out during rehearsals.
Date card for Kacie B: "Let's take a ride on the flip side"
Lindzi: "Omigod what does that even mean?"
Emily: "What is the flip side? Like, what does that mean?"
Nicki: "But I want to go to the flip side with Biiin."
Courtney: "I've already been to the flip side so many times."
Rachel: "Ride where? Like, WHERE IS THE FLIP SIDE? I don't get it."
Date card for Lindzi: "Let's write the first chapter of our love story"
Emily: "Omigod what does that even mean?"
Nicki: "But I want to write my love story with Biiiin."
Courtney: "Who even does that, it sounds so boring."
Kacie B: "I am not usually a jealous person, but I want to light myself on fire."
Rachel: "Do you have to bring a bathing suit? LIKE, WHAT STORY IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?"
Date card for Nicki: "Let's put the weight of the world on our shoulders"
Nicki: "I get to go out with Biiiiiiiiiin!!!!"
Rachel: "WHOSE SHOULDERS IS HE TALKING ABOUT? IS HE CALLING US FAT?"
Kacie B: "I can't even lift anything."
Emily: "Like, seriously Courtney? Seriously? Are you even a person?"
|WHAT CATCH? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!?!|
|"I did it, Dad. I finally get to sleep with a model."|
The group date starts the next day with Ben surprising the women by waking them up. We learn that some of them sleep in the same bed because that's not weird. Rachel monopolizes Ben's attention because she has a phobia of sharks. I ask Poise, "Do you fux with sharks?" to which he replies, "why would I?"
- "It's not like, hey your Dad is dead you get to be the Bachelor."
- "I can't just be like, oh my I'm so excited for this helicopter ride."
- "The rose is not about hey you need reassurance, and by the way I want to sleep with you."
Nevertheless, Kacie B. is able to overcome her fear of Rachel overcoming her fear of sharks by pulling out the trump card: "I'm in love with you," she declares in the hot tub. This gets her the coveted group date rose.
|Spades trump love, but love trumps fear.|
After Chris Harrison introduces the rose ceremony with the helpful, "It's been a beautiful week in Belize," Ben stunningly gives the first rose to Nicki. Lindzi gets the second rose and after Chris Harrison comes BACK to remind us that it is time for the final rose, Ben awards this prize to Courtney. Emily and Rachel erupt in hysterics, but Ben seems confident in his decision because in the immortal summarized words of Courtney: "I am a raging bitch, but I will have sex with you in the Fantasy Suite."
|A raging bitch who will have sex with you in the Fantasy Suite.|