Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Bachelor Episode 6 Recap: Let's Get Fancy

By GTOG Staff

[Make sure to listen to this week's Raw Emotion Podcast recapping Episode 6]

This wouldn't be the first time a Bachelor season has been hijacked by a sinister, back-stabbing, not-nearly-as-attractive-as-our-hero-thinks-she-is harlot like Courtney.  Remember Vienna in Season 14?  (Ed. note to selves: we now have a Bachelor frame of reference dating back several years. It's time to reevaluate everything).  But this is the first time a Black Swan has faced such feeble competition.  Courtney's a woman among boys out there.  A c-word among b-words.  She's openly taunting the other Ladies, but somehow she's got the competition apologizing to her.  She's practically running unopposed.  "It's getting hard," she whines early in the first of two consecutive hours of whining. "So hard to feel special."  No, Courtney, as long as your Breast-gun offense isn't grounded by a trip to a cold-weather location, it's really not.  Can anyone get fancy enough to stop her?

Murderer's Row
Full recap after the jump...

As is custom, the first 5 minutes of the episode was comprised of establishing shots of this week's exotic locale, "Panama City, Panama."  As opposed to "Panama City, Italy," "Panama City, Arkansas," and "Panama City, Nova Scotia."  Got it?  We're in PANAMA CITY, PANAMA! PANAMA!

And just outside Panama City, Panama lies an uninhabited island where Kacie B. is selected to accompany Ben in the always coveted, "first second one on one."  While Kacie B. and Ben are surviving, we're coming to the conclusion that when it comes to Kacie B., she may not be exactly our type physically, but in a binary world of 1s and 0s, she's still a 1.

Tooth whitening commercial
Later that night at dinner-- SPOILER ALERT: they survived the island -- the conversation slams headfirst into the most immovable object of all: the walls that guard and protect the heart.  Kacie's walls are up, and she feels she needs to do something about it because rather than continue the conversation, Ben sits stoically, waiting for the walls to come down or, to put it another way, for Kacie B. to tell him something horrible that's happened to her.  All we get out of Kacie B. is that her parents caught her "in the act" of having an eating disorder in high school, which barely registers on The Scale of Horrible Things About My Past because, you know, it means her parents are still alive.

Ben, of course, appreciates her opening up to him and decides that he likes her more because of it.  To recap: Woman tells Man she has eating disorder, Man likes Woman more because of it.

Meanwhile, the other Ladies back at the mansion find out that it will be Blakeley and Rachel on the 2-on-1 date.  Rachel is nervous, but Blakeley is psyched because this will be her "first two on one with one on one time."  This is transparent psychological taunting by Blakeley, but since she can't move her face and the silicon has to settle for another two weeks, it's the best taunting she can do.

On the big group date, the women are very turned on by Ben's ability to steer a boat through a disgusting river without getting pink-eye.  And with Ben at the helm, they arrive upon a village of naked young boys.  Courtney steals the show by unleashing the gutsy, "I see your tiny adolescent private parts, and raise you my boobs!" strategy.

Other winners from the group date: Jamie's body.

Losers: Everything else about Jamie.

At the cocktail party later that night, Lindzi calls Ben her boyfriend, a really strong short-term play to get what we call the Reassurance Rose, given to the woman who won't win but is most likely to cause a scene if she doesn't GET SOME GODDAMN ATTENTION RIGHT NOW!

Emily tells Ben a joke about a chief that requires no less than 4 text messages for us to understand and then, brimming with confidence, decides that she is going to man-up and apologize to Courtney for behaving in a way that caused Courtney to be a horrible person.  Courtney rejects the apology, reiterates that she does indeed hate Emily no-matter-what, and then swallows her entire mouth whole.

Courtney proceeds to ruin Jamie's attempt to introduce herself to Ben by prancing around in a bikini before ultimately deciding that she would like to see Ben's penis in better lighting this week, so she invites him to her suite.  He doesn't show, causing Courtney to lament that men often appreciate her early in the relationship, but then mistreat her.  To recap: The more a man gets to know Courtney, the less he appreciates her.

Next up is the Blakeley-Rachel-Ben two-on-one date.  Ben decides that the salsa dancing at this date will determine his chemistry with these women once-and-for-all.  For Blakeley, this is an invitation to simulate lewd sex acts.  For Rachel, it's an invitation to play it safe by using her "I'm younger, hotter, and cooler card."

During her first one-on-one time with Ben since she was weeping in a Samsonite Spinner, Blakeley gives him what she calls a "scrapbook," which was really just a bunch of words cut out of magazines that symbolize their future together.

If you want to do a scrapbook on the Bachelor, you need to follow JP's lead from last season's Bachelorette, and: a) know the person, and b) see (a).

Scrapbookin' chicks since 1989.
Despite her last ditch efforts and her revelation to Ben that "for the first time, I really feel something.  Like, I feel it," Ben makes the smart choice to send Blakeley back to the club scene in North Carolina.

Just a hooker with a dream.
The next morning, as discussed at length on this week's Raw Emotion Podcast, Chris Harrison arrives with an announcement, and it's serious.  He needs to talk to Casey S. and he needs to talk to Casey S. now.  This scares Kacie B. "It's never good when he shows up," she says unthinkably.

Chris then does what Chris does best -- he strongarms someone into admitting they love someone that they clearly don't.  In this case, it's Casey S.'s main squeeze Michael who, according to three people back home, is Casey S.'s boyfriend.  Chris has no time to indulge Casey's explanation.  It's time for action, so he makes her go tell Ben that she isn't here for the right reasons, while sitting directly on top of her shoulder.

In the podcast, we speculated that Harrison's maneuver was a reassertion of power over Ben, and while this incident with Casey S. may have been completely innocent, there may be another, more sinister, explanation.

"There there now. I know this is hard for you."
"A beautiful woman like you shouldn't go unloved."
"So what are you up to later?"
"Maybe a glass of wine, take the edge off." 
"No, it's fine, camera guys will stay down here." 
"We can talk about a few things you can do to maybe get back on TV soon..."
"Right, like a 'you-scratch-mine, I'll-scratch yours' situation."
"No, no, it's not like that, a lot of people have gotten into show-business this way."
"Does the name Maria Menounos mean anything to you?"

"I've worked very closely with Nicole Scherzinger in the past..."

"Vanessa Hudgens and I are close..."

"I called one of the Superbad producers for Emma Stone..."

"I'll put it to you this way.  You're gonna have to sleep with me."
"So you're from Kansas, huh?"
"Do you want a water or anything...?"
"Probably best if we keep this between us for now. You know those lawyers, confidentiality, all that stuff..."
"I didn't see your bracelet, but I'll check."
"I just want to get married."
Chris returns to the remaining ladies with a threat: you better be open to finding love, because otherwise it's not going to work.  You'll end up like 29 of the other 30 couples that have been on this show.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party (preceded with several "cheerses"), we get another healthy dose of Courtney, enough to foreshadow her future with Ben.  Basically, if Courtney wins, Ben is going to spend the next 6-8 weeks of his life coming in from the grape fields, taking one look at his inevitably pouting fiancee, and saying, "Sweetie, what's wrong? What is it? Was it something I did? Listen, I don't sugarcoat things. Your mouth looks like a dying flower."

Jaime then attempts a last-gasp at relevance, but while it fails to get her a rose, it can serve as great instruction for couples out there who haven't been kissing as much as you would like lately.  Maybe you're just not taking enough time to feel each other out. Start the process with your mouths closed. Then, yes, that's right, feel each other out. OK, now open those mouths! Wait, are you straddling? Straddle, close your mouth, feel each other out, and open. There we go.  Ok, wait.  Put your bottom lip on their top. Ok, there. Wait, now close again. There, open. There it is.

Everyone loves a micromanager.
[Make sure to listen to this week's Raw Emotion Podcast recapping Episode 6]

1 comment:

  1. This is a triumphant return to form.