Sunday, January 1, 2012

GTOG's Bachelor Preview: A Lady by Lady Breakdown

By Finesse

When it comes to predicting the Bachelor, there are an infinite number of factors to consider.

Who just had a family member die in a horrible tragedy? Who is simply too hot to not make the final 6 but too vacuous to get to Hometowns? Whose name has at least three unnecessary vowels? Exactly how many executive assistants can you have in the Top 10?  Who will look the best on an Us Weekly cover in June with a big headline, "I'm Ready to Marry Ben", followed by a headline in July, "Inside Scoop on Fairy Tale Bachelor Wedding" followed by a headline in August, "Ben Still Texting with Ex-GF", followed by a headline in September, "Bachelor Heartbreak: The Secret Texts, the Late Night Guests, and Ben's Furious Temper", followed by a headline in October, "Sources: Ben is Gay", followed by a headline in November, "Ben Out of Rehab: I'm a Changed Man", followed by a headline in December, "Bachelor Winner's New Flame: How [She] Learned to Love Again."

Bachelor Betrayal! Grapes in Publicity Photo Are Not Real!
With those factors in mind, and really anything else I can think of, here is some raw analysis of each contestant.
Amber B.
How her name should be spelled: Aymber

Actual Job: Labor and Delivery Nurse

Fake job: Owner of car dealership who gives out her email address at the end of each commercial: "Email me,!!!"

Prediction: Story about holding a newborn gets her a rose through episodes 1 and 2, breasts get her through episode 3, ultimately fades out.

Amber T.
How her name should be spelled: Aiymbaer T.

Actual Job: Critical Care Nurse

Biggest obstacle: Her violently polarizing bangs that could tear GTOG nation apart.

Prediction: No rose on the first night. Unlike Amber B., she doesn't use her breasts to secure the crucial one-on-one time at the first cocktail party and, therefore, can't tell Ben she's a nurse.

So much more after the jump...

Biggest drawback: Sentence ordering.  Asked on "What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?" she responds:
"I jumped out of a plane at 15,000 feet and I loved every second of it. I went skydiving."
Actual Job: Student

Prediction: Will make it to an episode where she's in a bathing suit, thereby securing another 2 roses.  Ben ultimately realizes that at 25 and a student, she hasn't been through enough to make it to top 5.

How her name should be spelled: As is.

Actual Job: VIP Cocktail Waitress

What we assume that means: Prostitute

Why we assume that: See forearm, left.

Prediction: At age 34, she slots perfectly as the sexy cougar-y vixen.  Her savvy, combined with other things, is enough to get her to episode 5.

How her name should be spelled:  Brittaenee

Actual Job: Medical Sales Rep

Predicted tragic backstory: Dead parents.  Her profile references her favorite childhood memory as spending time with her grandmother.  No mention of mom or dad.  Stay tuned.

Prediction: Darkhorse. Likeable personality will endear her to other contestants, but not enough to get her to Hometowns.

Casey S.
How name should be spelled: Kaesey S.

Looks like: She's 11.

Actual Job: Trading Clerk in Leawood, Kansas.

Potential downfall: It's 2012 and no one is looking to trade beaver furs on the Oregon Trail anymore.

Prediction: Depends on whether or not she has a southern accent.  If so, she lasts until Episode 2.  If not, buh-bye.

Best asset: Oozing confidence. Could become a problem if not contained.

Actual Job: Model

Success at Job: Not much. Her head is almost sideways and she's holding the skinny-arm behind her so we get almost no tricep-shoulder definition.

Prediction: Finalist. As discussed at the end of this podcast, 4 members of the GTOG family blindly picked her as the winner.  It was a remarkable meeting of the minds.  Unfortunately, we now know she's a model, which is fine, but Ben wants more depth.

Actual Job: Nonprofit coordinator

Prediction: Flies under the radar for a couple weeks, then emerges as a mid-season surprise.  Her big  moment comes when she scores the upset one-on-one date in Episode 4.  Her profile says, "I have started five kitchen fires on accident. I am the worst cook ever!" so we can be certain this date will be a cooking class.  Ben finds her self-deprecation charming and says afterwards, "I was really impressed with how Dianna handled herself at Chef Emeril Lagasse's restaurant here at the Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas."

How name should be spelled: Too many options to even consider.

Actual Job: Personal Trainer

What to watch for: Daddy issues.  Her bio reveals that her mother raised 6 kids, but there is no mention of a father.  Ben admires her strength.

Prediction: Her fitness background is an asset for obvious reasons, but she's a one-trick pony conversationally.  If she gets on a one-on-one with Ben, be on the watch for flirtatious situps.  She makes Episode 4.

How her name should be spelled: Emellee

What to watch for: She's a 27 year old PhD student in North Carolina.  Translation: Southern Accent.

What you'll end up noticing: She wears pink in every episode.

Where she fits: Perkiest blonde of the bunch.  Can't put a price on that.

Prediction: Book your ticket to Chapel Hill because we're going to Hometowns.

About her: 23 year old law student.

Why she's on the show: Last minute cancellation.

Fact we couldn't make up from her profile:
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? "Troy Polamalu because I want to know what it's like to be a gentle giant off the field and unstoppable on it."

Prediction: As of 10pm Monday night, she will have used only 24 seconds of her 15 minutes of fame.

About her: 34 year old pharmaceutical sales rep.

Who she is: Emily from Brad's season + 10 years - Ricky Bobby + plastic surgery.

What to watch for: Any facial movement whatsoever.

Tragic backstory: ABC doesn't put this woman on the show for no reason.  There's a backstory here.  Currently torn between a dead fiancee or horrific tanning booth accent.

Prediction: Clearly not Ben's type, but lasts longer than she should.  You don't have a profile that says, "I believe in fate and fairytale endings"and not get some serious camera time.

Curtis Painter
Actual name: Jaclyn

Could be spelled: Jacklynne, Jaekalyinn, Jaqckuellynne

Actual job: Advertising Account Manager

Prediction: Misses a day or so of work for filming.

Biggest problem: Her name. You don't come on the Bachelor with a name like Jamie and not have the letter "y" in there somewhere.  Come on.

Actual Job: Registered Nurse. Given that the Two Ambers are both nurses who shoehorned insinuations of infants or special needs children into their job descriptions, Jamie can't go far simply by being "registered." She never gave herself a chance.

Prediction: Tears in the limo tomorrow night.

Now here's a spunky woman.

Actual job: Blogger

What her blog could be about: Hopefully not pregnancy, coupons, or marathoning.

Prediction: We find out what her Twitter name is as soon as possible and try to get her on the podcast.  She makes it to Episode 4.

About her: 28 year old accountant from Oklahoma.

What you need to know: She has 4 tattoos, including one on her lower back.  If at least two of them don't involve Jesus, God, Deuteronomy, or some combination of those three things, then we know nothing.

Prediction: Since her and Jaclyn are wearing the same shirt, they suffer the same fate.

Kacie B.
What you need to know: She's what we at GTOG call a triple threat -- ridiculous spelling of her first name, administrative assistant, and hot.

Potential downfall: Religion.  Her profile tells us that she is "Christian."  Ben's profile tells us that he is "a rare, modern Renaissance man, [who] dabbles in a lot of hobbies and crafts, such as crab fishing, sailing, golf, skate boarding, surfing, playing piano and singing in a tribute band."

Other downfall: At 24, she simply hasn't earned the fairy tale.

Prediction: Smart strategy is to play it safe and rely on looks to get through the first three weeks.  Well-timed sexual innuendo, possibly while repelling, could land her a hometown date.  But her journey ends there.

Lindzi C.
How her name should be spelled: You had me at Lindz.

Actual Job: Business Development Manager in Ocala, FL.

What that means: She works on a golf course.

Fact you need to know: She claims to be allergic to the sun.  Someone forgot to tell that to her tan.

Prediction: Really torn on this one.  She has the looks, but when you're talking about a show that films its last 3 episodes in Fiji ("the perfect place to fall in love"), this sun issue is potentially explosive.  Forget Sophie's Choice.  This is Lindzi's Choice.

1. Tackle her fear of the sun head-on.  Her courage would go a long way to proving that she is here for the right reasons, but the ensuing blisters on her face could be a real impediment in the Fantasy Suite.

2. Refuse to overcome her fear of the sun.  This is the dermatologist recommended course of action, but if you think you're getting engaged on national TV without overcoming your greatest fear on a carefully orchestrated date, then you have no idea what true love actually is.

Lyndsie J.
Actual Job: Internet Entrepreneur

Her self-described three best attributes: "Outgoing, Funny, REAL."

Her WORST attribute: RANDOM capitalization OF certain words FOR NO reason.

Prediction: Look, I know what you're thinking.  I'm thinking it, too.  But you read this site because we're experts on this kind of thing, and here's what we can tell you.  Other than being able to muster up fake laughter on command, proclaiming yourself to be "REAL" is quite possibly the most underrated asset you can bring to the table.  The upset special: Lyndsie makes episode 3.

Monica, grab that chair.  We need to have a talk.

First off, what the hell is a Dental Consultant?  Do you walk around telling people that they should see a dentist?  Do you tell dentists to fire their hygienists? Or do you go into dentists' offices and tell them how to dentist? "Look, doctor, every time you start by cleaning the maxillary central incisor, you're losing business."

Second, who the hell do you think you are to show up to your publicity photo in a sweater with no visible upper arms?  It's an affront to the process.  GET OUT.

Actual Job: Dental hygienist

Biggest fear: Monica

What to watch for: Texas accent

Prediction: Ben proposed to Ashley so we know he has an affinity for 26 year olds in the dental profession.  Other than emotion, history is our only guide.  Dark-horse candidate for the top 5.

Actual job: Fashion Sales Rep

Self-proclaimed greatest achievement: "Moving to NYC on my own when I had no friends moving there or to live with. I was determined to make it work, even though I had some people back home who doubted me."  Right.  Because a hot single girl moving to New York City usually has a hard time making friends.

Prediction: If she can overcome all the people who doubt her for no reason, she can do some damage.  She will grow on you as the season goes on.  Top-8 potential.

What you need to know: She's from Pittsburgh.

What else you need to know: I'm from Pittsburgh.

Prediction: Treading carefully on this one.  All we can really say is that after a tough 2011 for Pittsburgh, the city's fate at the beginning of 2012 is in her hands.  Oh boy.

Actual job: Financial advisor

Fact intended to be insightful but is actually wildly offensive: When asked "if you could be someone else for a day, who would it be and why?" she responded: "I would be someone in a third world country so I could live, feel, hear and know for my own experience just how blessed I am."  Because nothing makes you feel richer than staring at poor people.

Prediction: No rose, but gets points from us for surprisingly being the only contestant with a man's name.

Age as listed on her profile: ??

Possible explanation: She's a Dominican pitching prospect.

Best attribute: She's a jack of all trades.  As she wrote in response to a question about whether she likes to dress up or wear casual clothes, "I love getting dressed up! But I also love my sweats. So both!"  Such versatility.

Unknown fact: If she could have one super power, it would be visibility.

Prediction: Maybe a week.

The takeaway from all of this is that we're looking at maybe the most wide open field in Bachelor history.  So while we don't know who is going to win, we do know one thing: whatever happens, it's going to be huge.  And GTOG will be there.


  1. Blakeley is my dream woman, I'm rooting for Samantha, and I like Amber T's bangs. Let's GTOG.