Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Big Ben v. Tim Tebow: Tale of the Tape

By Artistry

We're trying not to pay much attention to the talk surrounding the Steelers' first round playoff game against the Denver Broncos, because when we keep hearing things like, "This couldn't have worked out better for the Steelers,"  "The Steelers can't lose," and "Who needs Mendenhall, Ryan Clark, or a healthy Ben Roethlisberger, Maurkice Pouncey, or Lamarr Woodley, we're playing the Denver Broncos," we're pretty certain based on long experience that there's no upside to it.  If you don't think the Steelers are capable of going into Denver and scoring less than 13 points against a very good defense, you haven't been paying attention.  In any event, playoff games are mostly about the quarterbacks.  And in Tim Tebow and Ben Roethlisberger, we've got one of the more intriguing match-ups imaginable.  Who has the advantage?  GTOG gives you the Tale of the Tape.

Thank you for this picture.
Leadership of Men

Neither of these field generals are leaving men behind.  That's a given.  They both want to be out there for their men.  And Tim Tebow and Ben Roethlisberger both in their own way inspire confidence in their respective men when they step into a huddle.  But with Tebow, it's sort of like an "I'm confident right now because my quarterback sees into my soul and blesses me in a non-judgmental way" feeling.  With Roethlisberger, it's more like a "He really is playing up that injury, but he might actually pull off this 4th quarter comeback" kind of thing.

Edge:  Big Ben


This isn't really a fair fight. Tebow is in the unenviable position of wanting to talk about his faith, but at the same time knows most people don't want to hear him proselytize. So he's stuck hedging with comments like, "I want to make a difference with my platform."  Ben?  Ben is nothing short of elite in this department.  You could, if you were so inclined, generate unlimited blog posts based on wait-I'm not-sure-those-are-fake Ben Roethlisberger quotes.  Or you could just print actual Big Ben quotes like these:
“I’d give myself a C-minus. So would you call that below average? Or is that average? I don’t know, I wasn’t very good at school.” – Ben, on his performance in Cleveland.
"The pain is always going to be there. I can deal with the pain. I’m not worried about that. I think the biggest thing is not setting myself up to get hurt in other ways or hurt it worse as a sitting duck back there. It’s probably not the smartest thing in the world to do, but if it’s just the pain I’ll deal with that.” - Ben, on pain.
Edge:  Big Ben

Can Tim Tebow make a comeback?  Find out, after the jump...

Big Game Performance

Tebow has a history of performing well on a big stage.  In college, and at churches in third-world countries.  He's only really started one important game as a pro:  last Sunday against Kansas City.  And he lost at home to Kyle Orton and may or may not have completed a pass.  Big Ben is a two-time Super Bowl winner with a 10-3 playoff record.  The knock on Ben would be that in his three losses (NE, Jax, GB), Ben let his men down by throwing 3 interceptions in each game.

Edge:  Big Ben

Throwing Mechanics 

You can turn on ESPN at any point over the next few days and they'll be talking about dropped elbows and hip rotation.  Ignore that, and listen to us.  Tebow can't really throw.  Big Ben can't throw that well right now, what with the ankle injury and the pain, the unbearable, gut wrenching, no-one-should-have-to-ever-experience-this-pain-but-I-am-going-to-somehow-play-through-it-glory-be-to-God-pain.   Tebow can't really throw.

Edge:  Big Ben

Doesn't realize that the first down is the other direction.
Faith in God

It's tempting to give this one to Timmy Tebow without any analysis whatsoever, and we should really probably just throw the guy a bone at this point, because this is getting ugly.  But who do you think Big Ben is pointing to after every touchdown pass?  His lawyers? Nope, though he probably should.  That would be God, and the same one that Tebow is pointing to at all times with his whole heart.  Who is Ben talking to when the camera catches him Tebowing on the sideline in warmups?  That would be the Lord, unless the Broncos are playing at the same time and the Lord's line is busy.  Who do you think ranks just behind the offensive line on the list of things Big Ben has faith in?  Say it with me:  God.  Having said that, we did just use Tim Tebow's name as a verb in describing how Big Ben demonstrates his faith in God.

Edge:  Tebow

Premarital Consensual Sex

Tim Tebow claims he is a virgin.  But then again, Britney Spears claimed she was a virgin. WE'RE JUST SAYING.  We actually believe Tim Tebow.  He seems like an honest man, and a really good man.  On the other hand, no judge or jury has determined by a preponderance of the evidence whether any premarital sex Big Ben may or may not have had was or was not consensual.  Similarly, NO CRIMINAL CHARGES WERE EVER FILED.

Edge:  Tebow

Comeback Potential

Much has been made over the last few weeks about Tebow's ability to conjure 4th quarter miracles and will his team to come-from-behind victories.  In fact, much of the Tebow mystique is attributable to him sucking for 45 minutes, Matt Prater's leg and Marion Barber's brain.  Ben Roethlisberger engineered 23 4th quarter comebacks in his first 8 seasons.  Dan Marino holds the all-time record with 36 4th quarter comeback victories in his 17 seasons.  Do the math. 

Edge:  Big Ben

Camera Awareness

Remember the time Ben limped toward the locker room, realized he was alone, then waited for the camera guy to catch up before shuffling ever-so-gingerly into the tunnel?

We do.
Edge:  Big Ben

Obstacle Overcomability

Benjamin Todd Roethlisberger has had to overcome a lot of obstacles in his life.  Injuries to his ankle, groin, knee, wrist, thumb, elbow, and his other thumb.  Smashing his head through the windshield of a Chrysler New Yorker.  Civil litigation.  Thinking "No" means "Expose yourself to me over by the restroom."  The Steelers offensive line.  And every Sunday, he shows up and says, "Mike, B.A., I want to be in there for my guys."  But really, as tough and as focused as he is, Big Ben on Sunday afternoons is doing exactly what Big Ben is best equipped to do.  Tim Tebow is a nice guy with poor mechanics playing a vicious sport in an unforgiving media spotlight, and yet somehow he endures.  My friends, that's what we call obstacle overcomability.

Edge:  Tebow

Women of GTOG Hotness Ranking

If you missed the Women of GTOG NFL QB Hotness Rankings, shame on your for six weeks.  Tim Tebow checks in at a very respectable #6 on the list, drawing comments such as, "That's a hot Christian" from my wife and "Is this Mike Tebow?  He's cute" from my mom.  Big Ben didn't fare as well.

Edge:  Tebow

FINAL SCORE: Ben 6, Tebow 4

When you look at all this on paper, it sure doesn't look like Timmy Tebow has much of a shot, having only won the categories that have absolutely nothing to do with football.  But don't get cocky, Steeler fans.  We all know that faith, abstinence, obstacle overcomability, and good looks can win you a lot of playoff games.

No comments:

Post a Comment