Sunday, August 7, 2011

GTOG's First Annual Heroes and Villains List

By GTOG Staff

During the 14 months of GTOG's existence, we've experienced our share of highs and lows.  We've seen GTOG become the most-visited website in Indonesia because of that country's obsession with Step Up 3-D; we've been called out on Twitter by the NBA player who organizes "Lapdance Tuesday;" we've spent entire mornings bombarding the Twitter accounts of ex-Bachelor contestants, to varying degrees of success; we've been shunned by the most unreadable reality TV blogger on the Internet; and we've recorded podcasts from hospital rooms.  Through it all, we made a list.  We checked it over once, briefly.  And if you're on it, we feel strongly about you, for better or worse.  If you're new to the site, consider this a primer of where our loyalties lie.  Without further adieu, and in no particular order, we bring you GTOG's heroes and villains of Year 1.

Read on for the full list of Heroes and Villains....


Bob Pompeani - We've admired the well-coiffed KDKA sports anchor for nearly 30 years. We see a lot of ourselves in him.  So smart.  So steady.  So serviceable.  One day we did a light-hearted post about Pomp, and he took the time to let us know he enjoyed it.  All that talent, and a sense of humor to boot?  That's heroic.

Jamie Dixon - In a world where no blue-chippers stay in school anymore, he doesn't rely on blue-chippers.  In a city where Hurdle, Tomlin, and Bylsma live, he might be the best coach in town.  He rescues strangers from car accidents.  And forget Pitino and Calipari.  Nobody looks more like a basketball coach should look than Jamie Dixon.

Justin Bieber - If you're a fan of things that are excellent, then you probably already love Justin Bieber.  We like to think that we are at least partially responsible for his meteoric rise to stardom because we went to a theater packed with 6 people to take vigorous notes on his movie so we could give you this movie review.

Chris Harrison - No one gets more out of doing less than Chris Harrison.  He may conduct interviews without asking questions and he may get upstaged at his own job by a jeweler, but he brings the one thing GTOG respects the most: Consistency.  Witness the flawless execution:

Harrison's locker room on-set in Fiji.
Rick Malambri - Who is Rick Malambri?  Everything you need to know is in his dancing.  How does he do it?  Well, some people learn to dance.  Others are born to.  Why does he do it?  Because one move can set a whole generation free.  If that doesn't define "hero," we don't know what does.  And if you live in Southeast Asia and do a Google Image search for Rick Malambri, there's a good chance you're going to spend the afternoon reading recaps of Penguin games.

Polarizing figure in Jakarta.
Shawntel Newton - You already know she's attractive.  But did you also know that the former Bachelor contestant known to GTOG as the Comely Embalmer, AKA the Smoking Hot Undertaker, is one of the most down-to-earth Ladies you'll ever encounter?  Let's get #ShawntelYouShouldDateFinesse trending on Twitter.

Stan and Guy - Things that never should have happened: 1) KBL going away; 2) Brett Favre thinking, "nah, she'll never forward this to Deadspin" and 3) Stan and Guy getting at least 10 of their shows cancelled.  In an industry where most hosts are uninformed blowhards, these guys sweat Reasonableness.

Andray Blatche - He's 6'11," plays in the NBA and is the host of "Lapdance Tuesday."  In other words, he's our target demo.  And when we pondered what Ted's Take would be on Blatche going "hard n' the paint," he eloquently responded on Twitter, "why u wanna do all that."  So well put.

Huge fans.
Ames - Imagine if Gullibility had a baby with Naivet√©, and the baby was home-schooled before suffering a severe concussion.  That's Ames.  He has an unparalleled depth of knowledge of things women don't care about, and is the inspiration for our newest refrigerator magnet, The Many Faces of Ames.

Clint Hurdle - Because he's a good manager, even if the Pirates haven't won in two weeks.

Paul Martin - Because we defend him.

Sheer Elegance - Because she did what no sane human being should ever do and watched an entire season of the Real Housewives of New York and wrote about it for us.  She's a better Mario-Adjective than we are [see below].

George and Randy! - These guys started reading GTOG before our parents did. We don't know them personally, but we feel like we do.  They're smart, loyal, they get the joke, and you know what?  They're our heroes.

The Pensblog - Talk about commitment.  If every American applied themselves to the task at hand like these guys cover our Pittsburgh Penguins, we wouldn't be worried about the Chinese.  Consistently creative.  Consistently funny.  And consistently generous to certain upstart bloggers.


Adam Schefter - One year ago we were anti-Schefty because he played Bob Woodward and cited anonymous sources to report that a guy who everyone knew had blown out his ACL did, in fact, blow out his ACL.  This year, he's checking his email live on SportsCenter and incoherently shouting "Nnamdi Asomugha!"

Nnamdi Asomugha!!!!!!  Nnamdi Asomugha!!!!!
Ted Leonsis - Our position on Ted has been beaten into the ground, but we're flattered that he briefly left the front lines of the War on Hearing to take a shot at GTOG on his blog and on Puck Daddy.  There's only one thing left to say:

Are we sure that isn't Boyd Gordon?
Jaden Smith - When you're born with a golden spoon in your mouth but trade it in for a spoon made out of diamonds, that's inflammatory.  But when you choose to hitch your private luxury helicopter to the coattails of Justin Bieber and insert yourself repeatedly in his movie for no apparent reason, we have to draw the line.

"I can't reach Daddy because his pilot asked him to turn his phone off for the landing."
"That football coach Pitt hired" - If it wasn't for a Ron Cook Poem asking so pointedly, "Really, is it so wrong to give Haywood a chance?" then we would have absolutely no idea what this guy's name was.  He was hired on December 16th, Ron Cook pronounced him a great hire on December 17th, he was arrested for domestic violence on December 31st, and was fired on January 2nd.  He would have been more memorable if he had just lit a turd on fire on the steps of the Cathedral of Learning.

Face of the University.
William Gay - Are you a struggling NFL receiver?  Do you need a chance to unwind and recharge your batteries?  Spend some time on Gay Island.  It's always open, and, unfortunately, so are you.

Reality Steve - Where to begin.  Somehow this blowhard has amassed a huge following among Bachelor Nation.  We attribute this to the fact that he has some source that gives him Bachelor and Bachelorette "spoilers."  Forgive us, but we thought these shows were about the Journey, not the Destination.  Anyway, for a long time, we tried to post links to our recaps in his comments section.  Each time, he removed them.  Then, he solicited applications for guest bloggers to help make his website readable.  We put the past aside and volunteered our services.  He ignored us, and made his website worse as a result.  So we loaded up the flame thrower and napalmed all bridges between us.

Peter King - Ah, the self-indulgent author of Monday Morning Quarterback. First, thanks for all the good reporting you do.  But let's get something straight:  we don't care about what happened to you on your flight from Detroit to Dallas.  We don't care about what you put in your coffee this morning.  And we really don't care what you think about the New Jersey Devils.  But we know a website that may have a column for you to write.

Long Island - You brought out the worst that the NHL has to offer and then threw a nuclear bomb on top of it to give us one of the more unfortunate nights in Penguins' history.  You were apparently upset that 1) your goalie started a fight; 2) your goalie got his face shattered in one punch in said fight; 3) Brent Johnson ran up and down the Jersey Shore yelling, "One Shot, Bro!!!" and 4) the Penguins laughed about it because, well, it was hilarious.  Then you convinced yourselves that YOU were the victim.

Dale Tallon - One summer before it's time for the Penguins to try and extend Jordan Staal and Sidney Crosby, the Florida GM handed the not-prolific Tomas Fleischmann a 4 yr./$18 million contract.  Among other things.  Thanks.

Bentley - You know just how to talk to a Lady in an almost incoherent mumble. But that "narrating the present" technique can only work for so long when all you're offering is a "dot dot dot."  You do realize your daughter Cozy is going to one day be able to access the GTOG Bachelorette Recap archives in the U.S. Library of Congress, right?  Just saying.  [Are we putting Bentley in the Villains section and not the Heroes section so as not to infuriate our substantial female readership?  For you to decide.]

There, there.
Skype - Where were you when we were trying to record that Raw Emotion podcast in June?  We don't forget.

Petr Svoboda - Hello, Petr?  Oh, we're so sorry.  We didn't realize it was already 9 pm.  It's down to Detroit and Pittsburgh, is it Petr?  Oh, Jaromir will make his decision by Wednesday?  Is that a fact?  What's that?  You've lost track of his whereabouts?  Now additional teams with inferior - but right-handed - centers have entered the bidding?  Have you taken leave of your senses?  Petr?  Petr?  He hung up.

All of the Real Housewives of New York - We tried to watch this show. We really did. We thought that maybe, against the odds, we could find some of the Bachelor/Bachelorette magic in another absurd but satire-friendly reality show.  We made it through about 20 minutes of the first episode, we were horrified, and we both blacked out.  Neither of us know what happened, but we're still having night terrors, and and it's hard to talk about. 

ESPN - For making us watch hockey on NBC for at least the next 10 years.  For making poor Scott Burnside broadcast from his grandmother's living room.  For ignoring the Pirates.  For making Buccigross do "vlogumns."  For SportsCenter's free agent FRENZY!  For taking Jay Harris from Pittsburgh, but leaving Alby Oxenreiter behind.  By the way, this is a great read.

Rebecca Black - You had us when you pointed out that yesterday was Thursday.  To-day it is Friday.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  And Sunday comes afterwaaaards.  You lost us when you decided this is Your Moment.  But let's be clear: we'd love to have you on the podcast, and to have you follow us on Twitter


  1. Great list. I'd like to see future consideration for Dockers on the heroes list and Target on the villains list.

    If the Target commercial gets played every single commercial break (sometimes twice) through four rounds of playoff hockey and the Pens win the cup, then it will be a hero.

  2. I can't comment on any of the Penguins references but I can wholeheartedly agree on the Reality Steve villanry. I did the same thing! I posted comments with links to my blog and he blocked/removed them. Then I submitted when he was looking for guest writers, just to be ignored. (I checked out the girl writing about the Kardashians and I will say for a fact, we're both better with a recap than her).
    I think you all should consider moving Rebecca Black to the heroes list. That song, while totally annoying and stupid, is oddly catching and pretty on point - you do "gotta get down on Fryyyy day."
    Keep up the good work.

  3. Rob YYZ via NYC via DC via the 'burgh via PhillyAugust 9, 2011 at 10:25 PM

    Since self-praise is no recommendation, I would like to nominate Finesse and Artistry to the Heroes list. You've made blogs fun again and Pittsburgh look cool. I will shoot my next Cherry Bomb from Chief's Cafe in your honor.