[You can listen to our after show Raw Emotion Podcast here]
So it was said by Artistry. So it came to pass. On the same day his daughter was born, he was able to revel in having correctly predicted JP as the recipent of The Final Rose. A hearty congratulations to him.
But enough with the fluff. Let's get down to the analysis of what happened and let's do it in pictures as a way to honor JP's rose-clinching scrap book.
Ashley's Journey to Get Proposed To continues in Fiji, or as Ashley puts it without a single breath in between words, "I've-continued-my-journey-through-the breathtaking-islands-of-Fiji-Fiji-is-the-perfect-place-to-write-the-last-chapter-of-my-love-story." And yes, that's another $10,000 to ABC from the Fijian Ministry of Tourism. She begins as so many Bachelorettes before her have, by voicing over carefully edited montages of past events in the present tense. Her performance is flawless. She gives both Gentlemen glowing reviews but to the well-trained ear, JP comes out of the gate with all the momentum.
We start by meeting Ashley's family, which consists of: 1) a completely disinterested step-father; 2) a mother with absolutely no authority over any of her children; 3) a tattoo-covered sister who set the modern-day Bachelor franchise record for lowest likability score in the shortest amount of time; and 4) a younger brother who was wearing a tug-of-war rope around his neck.
|If this guy was never in front of you in line at a CoGo's buying cigarettes, then you've never been to Pittsburgh.|
JP is first up to meet the family and he's determined to "continue to be me," which presumably means continuing to be insecure and jealous. How does he feel about meeting the family?
As JP sits down to talk to the family, one thing becomes abundantly clear. Ashely's brother is extremely sweaty and overheated, and desperately needs a glass of water. He looks like he should be starting a fight at Kennywood.
|"Upon further review, the blessing has been given."|
Chrystie sets out to recapture her family's Blessing from JP. She tells Ashley something to the effect of, "I don't like him. I think he's stupid. It takes a psycho to recognize a psycho, and trust me, he's a psycho." Ashley doesn't take this Blessing Revocation well and begins a session of convulsive hiccuping while fending off a shock-and-awe attack on her forehead by her bangs.
What does her brother think of all this?
After Ashely's mother tries to explain to Chrystie, "honey, you've only known him for 10 minutes, maybe you should give him a chance," Chrystie breathes actual fire in her mother's face. That's the end of that. A determined Chrystie does what any good big sister would do -- takes JP aside to sit in two chairs facing the same direction. She needs to ask him the "tough questions."
|Actual tough question: "Are you smitten?"|
|"Whatever man. I've got run clubs I can go organize."|
|I can't think of anything I wouldn't do to get this woman to stop yelling at me.|
|"I'm from 8 Mile, muuuuh fucka!!!"|
Date time. Ashley explains, "I think the best way to see Fiji is how Ben and I will be getting to our destination today." Note to Ashley: No one talks like that. As discussed on the podcast, Ben's total lack of irrational exuberance and faux-shock at the sight of the helicopter really cost him.
|Come on, Ben. Rookie mistake.|
Now it's JP's turn, and recognizing that Ben probably dropped the "I love you," bomb, he realizes that he can't hold his cards any longer. It's time for the walls to come crumbling down. He really puts her in the mood by quoting her stepfather and then saying "I am madly in love with you." It's the only play he had left, and he executed it perfectly.
But wait! It's not the only play he had left. At the hotel later that night, he busts out a scrap book that not only contains a romantic note, but also has unfinished pages on which they can continue to write their love story. Game-changer. He seizes the momentum, and never lets go.
Cue Neal Lane, creepy Jeweler/Wall Destroyer. He gets the Gentlemen to open up to him by asking things like, "What if she says no?" Really inspirational stuff, ring guy.
|"What if she dies in a fiery car crash? How will you feel then?"|
|You can't stop this level of balcony gazing. You can only hope to contain it.|
|If you're poor or unemployed, could there be a more obnoxious picture?|
|Tears for the wrong person. Another huge mistake.|
|Is he taking the boat all the way back to Napa?|
JP's proposal is so anticlimactic that I started searching for online petitions to sign to get Pippa Middleton to be the next Bachelorette. JP says something about how his face wrinkles when he smiles, and then gets down on one knee for the proposal.
|"You have high arches. You should try Asics."|
We don't know whether Ashley's version of "forever" will be 6 months or a full year, but we do know that we enjoyed the Journey.