Every once in far too short an amount of time, Alex Ovechkin goes on a monumental, nonsensical, exclamation point-laden Twitter binge. We follow these things so you don't have to. Now I'm going to ask you to close your eyes while I tell you a story. I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen to yourselves. I want you to imagine a hockey player. He's on his smart phone. He's tweeting. He's unleashing a torrent of "he he he's" and "ha ha ha's." A "have now chicken wings" and an "it's so good!! mmmm hahahah." Can you see him? His broken teeth, his crooked nose, his indescribable hair, hunched over, cackling as he types, probably with his thumbs. Can you see him? I want you to picture that hockey player. Now imagine he's your captain. The defense rests your honor.