The finale. It happened. Season over. Everyone came together at the end and acted like they kind of liked each other. But we know better.
LuAnn was putting the finishing touches on her single (Se Bonne, Se Bonne) at that guy with the mohawk’s office. As usual, he was wearing his sunglasses inside and seemed very vague. Then suddenly he says, yeah LuAnn, so I have someone I’d like you to meet, and it ends up being Natalie Cole. And obviously she’s hawking something via Bravo because she offers to come to LuAnn’s anniversary party she’s planning for Jacques and sing a duet with her. Like seriously, why in the hell is Natalie Cole even at this guy’s place? He is so creepy and marginal and she has seriously made records and won Grammy’s (right? I think). It's funny when Natalie says to LuAnn (graciously) that “Money Can’t Buy You Class” is hilarious. It’s not clear that LuAnn thinks any of this is hilarious. But she does seem more self-aware than usual that she’s not a real singer and that this whole getting to be a singer ride is pretty insane and interesting. She’s very star struck at this moment and it seems relatively sincere.
Ramona and Mario have a dinner party with Sonja and Brian, Simon and Alex, where they collect footage to support the preposterous plotline that Ramona could be pregnant at age 54. She talks about how she would have liked to give Avery a sibling, but instead got a dog. She even brings Avery in and she blurts (this family – they are blurters) that Ramona still gets her period. And then Ramona acts like that’s why she has no wrinkles, which is silly because we have seen her get Botox and other injections and laser treatments on camera. These people have selected memory – you’d think they could hire people to keep track of all of their hypocrisies. Alex takes a call from LuAnn inviting her to the anniversary party and they are playing nice. Alex apologizes numerous times for taking a call at dinner – makes a big show about leaving the room, probably to prove to the studio audience that she’s not rude like Cindy. The dinner party has an awkward, forced vibe that is the essence of what this show has become.
Alex has a photo shoot the next day for an edgy Brooklyn magazine thingy. Her skin is terrible and she apologizes profusely but they end up making her look good for the camera. Then Simon shows up and he’s really lurky and weird and sucks the energy out of the room, and won’t just go home to cover the babysitter when it looks like Alex is running late (because hair and makeup took too long and they didn’t have enough light left in the day to get the shot!) He is super creepy and needs to recognize once and for all that he is not a Real Housewife and that he should consider getting an actual job and staying out of the frame a bit more.
Sonja and Cindy meet in a flower shop and break down their breakfast fight from last week. Cindy absolutely should have apologized for going on with her bidness call at Sonja’s official casual breakfast, but Sonja acts defensive and a bit bananas. I love how Cindy talks about zoning out and planning outfits during her monologue and wondering aloud why these two keep trying to be friends when clearly they aren’t suited. Cindy is way too practical and actually busy to be on this show. She obviously took on the Houswife-ing as a way to promote the vajawel spas and its quite clear she hasn’t been bringing it Bravo style. So they argue about who is more important and better at business and treats their staffs better and it just disintegrates into shouting as usual. One of them walks out – I think its Cindy. It’s just stupid. All of it. Don’t be friends. Really.
Next we go to the boat, where LuAnn has planned a sail around the Statue of Liberty to celebrate her one-year anniversary of dating Jacques. He probably didn’t even remember the date but here she is planning a big rockin’ soiree. Mars and Venus. Ramona or Jill – one of the Negative Nellies points out -- why would LuAnn take her new boyfriend for a sail around the very thing her ex-Count’s family was involved in bringing to the US? But anyway, LuAnn is feeling great and wants to celebrate. Ramona of course attempts to hijack the situation by pretending that her breast augmentation surgery might mean that she’s with child. Her and Sonja, both dressed in leopard print, run around the boat like they are 16 years old, ducking in to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. But not before Ramona takes Mario aside and says, “you know Mario, I might be pregnant.” He seems as if he might vomit in disbelief. With him though, you can never really tell anymore. My guess is that he and Ramona are waiting for Avery to go to college, and then will split. He’s super flirty with Sonja too, which is odd.
Anyway, sorry to be a spoiler but Ramona isn’t pregs.
There’s lots of hanging outside of the bathroom on the boat while Jill whines about “what are they doing in there?” and Alex stands there awkwardly, bummed that she didn’t wear her leopard dress and is therefore not included in the blonde pregnancy test festivities. Cindy and Kelly are basically non-entities at the party, though Kelly does bring up having a punchbowl at a key party, which Jill doesn’t understand. I love the way Simon and Alex are silent and don’t touch it. I have a feeling these two know their way around a punchbowl.
Then, suddenly, Natatlie Cole comes down the stairs escorted by cute little Noel and starts singing that “L-O-V-E Love” song and Bawby is super into it and dancing and people are at peace for a moment. There’s probably a second where a few viewers thought Jacques might propose to LuAnn but that didn’t happen. The side of me that thinks these people are actually partially human and not just completely self-serving shameless marketing machines makes me pleased that maybe they are giving their relationship some realness that doesn’t exist on camera, but the other part of me thinks that they are already on the outs and there was no other way to promote the upcoming Natalie Cole show without the boat party. Another thing worth mentioning is Simon’s face while he’s watching the song. He looks to me like a cartoon of jealousy and hatred – almost like the evil stepsisters Esmerelda and Drizella from the Cinderella story when the glass slipper fits.
LuAnn brings everyone out of the deck for a toast. She says something to the effect of, “We are Family. I got all my Housewives with me.” An apt comparison, the family thing. You can’t get choose ‘em, and you can’t lose ‘em. And these bitches are stuck together in eternity -- 4 seasons of dreck, as my Aunt Dottie would say.
And what’s next? Will there be a 5th? I must reserve judgment until I see the reunion shows, which will be very interesting indeed. The ladies left with a hug, but it’s very clear these Housewives are aligned by hair color and by who can help them move forward. I know they are all poised to work a spin-off show for themselves Bethenney style, which none of them have the real presence to do. The show has suffered greatly since she left, because there is no one smart or funny enough to take the edge off the grossness we all feel for watching. She was a once in a lifetime reality show player. A real pro. Love you Bethenney. Call me.
Anyhoo. Thanks for listening to my ranting.
See you around the internets.
Xo Sheer Elegance
* Ed. Note: Huge thanks to Sheer Elegance for an epic season of recaps. We can't believe you watched the whole thing, but we're glad you did.