Thursday, July 21, 2011

RHONY Episode 15 Recap: Beauty, Class, and Elegance Lies Within a Hummer

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Home stretch ya’ll. Tonight is the finale. So let’s get this done, shall we?

LuAnn and her assistant Michael show up to a meeting with a guy named “Jersey” who is some kind of stylist. He actually does music video marketing stylisting, which Lu needs for the video for her song “Chic, C’est L’Vie (Se Bonne, Se Bonne).” LuAnn says earnestly, “it always goes back to beauty, class and elegance lies within the soul.” That’s not even a sentence, and she is totally serious about all of this and that is why I can’t stand her. This esteemed video marketing team suggest a hotel called The Borgata in Atlantic City for the shoot. It’s just gorgeous, this group of people are being paid to say. And yes, actually, they might get a Hummer. Nothing says beauty, class, and elegance lies within the soul like a Hummer. Does the budget allow for a jet LuAnn wants to know. They can’t even pay actors, so I would guess no jet. LuAnn sees herself kind of like Sophia Loren. Classy, European, chic. You know.

Not happy to be dragged into this.
Chris the director of the video gets put on the spot. “Chris, what do you like about the song?” Um, it's … I mean, I … he falters. Well, the song has a catchy beat. Yes. A catchy beat. Yikes. The set-up here is that this team of professionals feels that they want all the Housewives in the video, as I guess that would make it more of a “thing” from a marketing and um, stylishistical approach. So the stage is set for all of the Housewives to figure out a way to bow out of this situation.

Read on for the full recap here...

Ramona, in full hair and makeup, appears to be teaching Sonja how to use a treadmill. But her real motive is to convince Sonja not to be in LuAnn’s video. She’s embarrassed now to be in a music video? That’s more of a stretch than Sonja’s Lululemons. She’s claiming Avery doesn’t want her to do it. Come on Ramona. Just admit that LuAnn has been snatchy to you and you don’t want to go to Atlantic City. She calls LuAnn a “weekend mom,” which is lame, considering that last week Avery was complaining that her parents leave her alone to figure out dinner most nights of the week. Sonja loved LuAnn’s first music video, she says with a straight face. And she has no problem doing burlesque performances on camera or showing her bare bruised ass on camera. But music videos with their negative messages (LuAnn lying on the bed with gay guys singing about class) are definitely out.

Out to Brooklyn, Alex and Simon are grilling dogs on the barbie. “Dean, Simon’s Australian Friend” is over. That shouldn’t sound sketchy, but somehow it just does. Of course Simon is the one to bring up the video and whether Alex should participate. Alex explains her position: if LuAnn were doing a gangsta rap video, or an opera video, well, than Alex will totally be in it. She just has a huge problem with the word class, and videos about songs about class. You just don’t use that “C” word, and you don’t brag about having wealth if you indeed have it, see? That’s how it works, this class thing. But then of course, she goes on to brags about her fabulous upbringing – oil fields, etc. Even though she went to school in Kansas…. Not really sure I’m following. But the point that LuAnn is condescending and awful is well taken. I’m not sure why none of the women can just say that straight. I don’t want to be in your stupid video because you suck and I don’t want to go to Atlantic City and prance around with you and the other My Little Ponies. Whoa, I think Simon just used the actual “C” word about LuAnn. He is really such a little bitch that one, but he’s right.

So wise.
OK, on to Jill, who likes to hold all Housewife business in doctor’s offices while getting free treatments. She is getting her memory tested, and has decided to wear fake eyelashes to the brain zapping. This is Sonja’s doctor as a matter of fact, which makes sense. Sonja comes in so that Jill can convince her to do the video, putting Sonja in the middle of Ramona and Jill. Sonja is sticking with team blonde. “I remember when I saw the video last year with my daughter in St. Tropez,” I love when Sonja’s little Sonjaisms. The expressionless doctor hovers over Jill and seems to be sticking syringes directly into her brain, via a jaunty red cap. Oh these women! Sonja is literally making any excuse she can. She doesn’t realize Atlantic City is only 3 hours away from NYC. She doesn’t want to leave her daughter and her homework. Jill is really getting pushy now, when she realizes Ramona got to Sonja first. Wait, is Jill wearing, jean legwarmers?

Ramona and LuAnn sit down burbling over with confrontation juice. They talk about their respective Sweet Sixteens – small talk for like two seconds. The video is broached, and Ramona takes her fake self-righteous position that she can’t participate because of Avery and the message it sends. I do think its great that Ramona has Avery as her publicist. She probably knows how bad that video will be. Ramona is playing like she is a better parent than LuAnn. Not nice. She really knows how to piss people off. LuAnn looks like she’s going to kill Ramona with her eyes. Ramona is implying that LuAnn is a crap mom and never spends time with her kids. LuAnn has said herself that during the week she is in the city with Jacques while her kids are out in the Hamptons with a “mother’s helper.” (Rumor has it that a video surfaced showing Victoria drunk and stoned on camera making racial slurs. I haven’t seen it but I’m sure Ramona is referencing that.) But still, you don’t criticize another parent. Everyone knows that, except Ramona.

Everyone has different parenting skills, Ramona says. LuAnn is going nuts. Ramona says, “We’re a trifecta: Me Avery and Mario. We stick together.” LuAnn says nastily, “yes, how is it going with that trifecta?” – and we flash back to the fortune teller in Morocco telling Ramona that Mario is cheating. Two snakes, these two are. Ramona now says, “I have a great marriage. I hope you can be married 18 years with someone who doesn’t cheat on you left and right.” Ooooh snap. Wow, these two hate each other. LuAnn walks out. And Ramona is left rolling her eyes, innocently intoning, “What?”

OK, so she can't really roll her eyes.
Sonja decides to invite Cindy to a breakfast in her home on a Tuesday. Cindy is such a New York City Type A. Five small meals a day. No sugar. Working out with her trainer. Monitoring nannies. Having meetings. She’s clearly trying to accommodate Sonja, who is all bankrupt in her robe at 11:30 AM, making toaster oven eggs and planning for her dance class. But then Cindy plays it all wrong by bringing her assistant and taking a conference call that goes on and on. That is really freaking rude of Cindy. Sonja is banging pots and pans -- trying to make even more noise than she needs to. Sonja is pissed and then Cindy shushes her. Why doesn’t Cindy just walk out of the room? Poor Sonja, she feels diminished and I don’t blame her. Cindy has just lost big time in my book. I usually defend her but between this shushing and then calling her office worker in to handle her kid in the restaurant a few weeks ago, we are done. Unless she wants to take me shopping or to the spa.

So, sexy sexy Atlantic City. There’s no jet and none of the women are coming except Jill and maybe Kelly. But its not gonna ruin LuAnn’s music video! “Jersey” is already stressed. The make-up and hair is taking too long – they are going to miss the shot. Sometimes I feel like all I need to know to be a director is that make-up and hair take too long and that there’s never enough light left in the day to get the shot. LuAnn, hateful hateful LuAnn says, “Like my good friend Princess Shmoogies says, ‘just get in there and do it.’” Jesus. H.

Mario and Ramona are in a car headed to Brooklyn. The shiny veneer of this show is wearing thin like Cindy’s teeth – people are complaining openly about their contractual obligations and openly disliking each other. Especially Mario, he’s over it. He doesn’t want to go to Brooklyn. You know how he feels about going to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is like another country. They pick up Sonja and she’s talking about being supple, so she taking these suppling supplements. Then her boob falls out of her dress as they are walking into the party. Ramona says, “their parties, they don’t have the best energy,” which seems like something Jill would say. Mario makes another bitchy comment about Brooklyn during Simon and Alex’s toast, and Ramona has the sense to be annoyed with him. Sheer Elegance’s hackles are certainly up, as I am of Brooklyn, and like nothing more than a Brooklyn v. Manhattan knife fight at an arts benefit.

Meanwhile in Atlantic City, Jill has yet another stepson. And Bawby is here! Yay! How many times was Bawby married pre-Jillsy? Kelly is here. She’s late and fun and pretty. Never gambled before. A virgin, they all keep saying. Ha ha.

Jill is very excited that she’s the martyr, the one who “supports her friends” by being in their music videos. If your friend is doing a music video, you show up. Right, that’s the rules. LuAnn’s hairdresser makes her looks like a poodle. Jill helps her. Jill is all over this.

We’re flashing back between the shoot and what’s going on in NYC. Somehow, Ramona and Mario make it back from Brooklyn and Avery, Ramona, and Sonja are taking a private dance class so Ramona learn some new moves. Doing the dougie in a dance studio with a really cute teacher. Actually they are doing the dougie and reject and cat daddy. Sonja is a good dancer. Avery too. Alex very awkward but she’s happy to be sweaty in a studio with the blondes rather than shooting a video with LuAnn.

I don’t blame her. It looks rather dreadful at The Borgata. They seem to be pulling in all kinds of randoms, including one of Jill’s stepson’s named Darin Zarin (is this possible??) to be in the video now, and they are all pretending to have a great time, throwing dice in the air during the gambling scene and laughing uproariously. Ugh, how awkward! Jill is exhausted – its hard – all these takes and the walking on the marble floor with the heels. This music video supporting your friend’s thing is harder than it looks.

OK People. I’m out. See you super soon for the finales.


Sheer Elegance

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