Saturday, July 23, 2011

Ben Gets Married Today; Sigh of Relief Pushes Heat Wave Further East

By Finesse

Ladies, he's off the market.  Big Ben Roethlisberger and long-time girlfriend Ashley Harlan are all set to tie the knot today at Christ Church at Grove Farm in Ohio Township.  The event is shrouded in secrecy but because of GTOG's limitless connections, we've obtained a copy of Ben's vows that he wrote himself:
I promise to be a loving and faithful husband and to force my offensive line to go to get steaks with me so that I look like a team leader even though they hate my personality.  I'm not kidding, Doug Legursky hates me.  I also promise that I will never go back to the following places: Lake Tahoe, anywhere in Georgia, the South Side, Miami of Ohio, or the Grove City Nike Outlet where I got that red long sleeve shirt I wore when I apologized for conduct that I denied doing.  God.  Faith.  I promise never again to wear clothes with life-size depictions of Satan on them.  I promise to continue limping noticeably during every game.  I promise that I will say I'm humbled while resting my feet on the quarterbacks coach whose name I don't know.  I promise that I will not act like Peyton Manning anymore, mainly because James Harrison is pointing a gun at me right now.  But most of all, I promise to apologize profusely to your father for making him be here today.  Band of Brothers. 
In all seriousness, this is a big day for Ben.  We wish him and Ashley all the best.  It looks like it's going to be a beautiful event based on how dressed up Ben got for the rehearsal dinner.

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