Did you know that “Ya Habibi” means darling in Arabic? Damn it, LuAnn is gonna make “darling” happen. She is very present in this episode, as Morocco is her trip and gift to the ladies. The markets, the dessert, the spices, it's her pleasure. The Brunettes go first on the first class flight. Blondes will come the next day.
The riad, or private house where they are staying, is gorgeous. Brad Pitt apparently just left. Kelly loves the luminousness or luminosity (real words?) of the yellow light but ends up with the red room.
Blondes on the plane. Ramona is nervous. She needs her nice bedding and her Pinot. She doesn’t know what to expect from Morocco so she’s called ahead with many demands, including hangers. Alex is so excited to have two seats to herself. It’s interesting how Alex is very much on her own this season, while in previous seasons Simon and she were one. Viewers really did not like Simon and Bravo has taken note. I think he made her more interesting.
Makes Everything More Interesting
Sonja is also anxious about Morrocco. I mean, she has many friends with fabulous houses there, but she’s still not sure if where they are staying will have a bathtub.
Apparently Ramona doesn’t like dust or poverty. Alex has the decency to be embarrassed by the way Sonja and Ramona are acting towards their driver and the staff at the riad, who stand at attention upon their arrival.
More adventures in Morocco, after the jump...
These blondes all have the same colorist! Sonja is very worried about the staff stealing her luggage. She’s stayed in royal palaces before. You do NOT just leave your luggage. I keep waiting for her or Ramona to insult Muslims.
Right away there is tension between the Blondes (minus Alex) and the Brunettes. Ramona needs someone to help her unpack and an awesome maid shoots her the most hateful look as she hangs up the s---loads of clothes Ramona brought. Luckily she called ahead to secure extra hangers. She lifts her hand weights, which she also always calls ahead for. I had no idea you could do that. Next time I visit my parents I am so calling ahead with a list of demands!
Here comes LuAnn in a confessional. Darling, at the market you want to be modest.
The Brunettes are sitting around having tea, talking plastic and porno. Ramona is trying to keep up with the fountain of youth and thinks plastic surgeons are the answer. Watching real people have sex, is like, gross and weird.
Oh snap. Someone took Cindy’s hangers. Guess who? Cindy seems a bit more indignant than she should. She seems like an OK person but did she not watch this show before she signed up? Her sense of humor seems a little lacking, though I can’t blame her for thinking the Blondes minus Alex are pretty silly. Ramona and Sonja are acting like the two girls in junior high who gang up on the third. Ramona thinks Cindy needs a hanger up her butt. Ouchy. LuAnn knows where to get more hangers. Alex looks so helpless.
Ramona and Sonja are trying to sneak off after their romantic comedy trying on clothes and belly chains scene. They need a car ride -- motion to fall asleep, like toddlers. They are not going along with LuAnn’s planning and don’t want to hang out with the others. Lu’s being a bit of a “Partyr,” which is a party planner who’s also a martyr (Sheer Elegance ™).
Ooh Kelly is dissing on Sonja’s townhouse. It hasn’t been renovated since, like, the 1900’s. Kelly has been talking trash much more lately – either she doesn’t know the cameras are on or else she has decided to play tough with these other animals. LuAnn is very choosy about who she disses and when she decides to be self righteous – here she cuts Kelly off and won’t let her go on about Sonja’s desire to live a fancy lifestyle beyond her ex-husband. Perhaps it hits too close to home?
Shopping, touching fabrics, jewelry. Is this still the same day? WTF – out of nowhere, Jill’s gay ex-husband Brad is here! He has a house in Marrakesh. But it seems like he is someone else’s gay husband now. Funny how he is acting like he doesn’t know the housewives are this season – like he doesn’t follow the show. Yeah right. But he does know Ramona and he does not likey. So … he will have a party for them at his house! Yay!
LuAnn is so annoying. Let’s go put our caftans on and meet in the library for a surprise. Who says that? Her face when she sees how plastered Ramona and Sonja are after their excursion is classic! R and S wanted to passive aggressively show LuAnn what they thought of her hostess act, so they went to a nearby 5 star hotel and had some champers and now are accusing the Brunettes of being bumps on log.
Kelly is eating jelly beans again. Let the games begin.
Lu’s surprise is that she has brought a designer by to design. Ramona is embarrassing everyone with her bad French and terrible manners – she is ordering this guy around like he is Sonja’s butler. Alex is mortified and she should be. This poor guy.
Drunk girl Sonja makes some more sexual innuendos – channeling Sex and the City part 5 when Samantha becomes a divorced woman who does her own hair.
Ramona asks the designer to put a log on the fire. It’s a riad not jihad – nice one Sonja.
Speaking of SATC, the ladies are trampling through the souk in their Manolos (I really hate when people say they are wearing “their Manolos,” it just really grates doesn’t it?) dressed to the nines. The Souk is scary and magical and mysterious, yes, clichéd, yes too. Brad is in his kingdom, though it turns out, Jill snarkily tells us, it’s the bed and breakfast he’s staying in, not his house. I wonder what happened between he and Jill. This is awkward as hell. I like Cindy’s dress.
Ramona is texting and Sonja is hammered. Cindy is annoyed because Sonja is still going on about the Vivienne Tam thing with the teeth and the Hermes. The mean blonde girls are cackling. Yeah, Cindy really can’t hang.
Cue snake charming. Everyone looks queasy. The snake charmer is actually French kissing the snake. That seems … unusual. Snake is vomiting venom. Sonja is wasted! Jill is being funny. Wrapped in a snake she dances around: “what are you scared of – it’s like a belt!”
Cue dancing. Blondes are shaking their couscous. LuAnn looks like someone stuck a hanger up her butt.
Brad introduces a fortune-teller in a burkha that he knows. Good call fortune-teller – I wouldn’t want my face on this show either. It breaks down like this: Jill has a big heart but talks too much. She should get that on a t-shirt. The fortune-teller sees Kelly with three girls. Kell says she wants another baby so that seems good for her. Sonja – money can’t buy you happiness. LuAnn’s taking notes for her next song. But Sonja does like the nice lifestyle…. Kelly gives her the thumbs up on Brian, the artist with the shaved chest. Kelly translates when Ramona sits down but quickly hightails it out of there, leaving it to LuAnn when the fortune-teller tells: Smoove Mario is cheating. Ooh. Fortune-teller shutting it down. That sucks. Suddenly Ramona is not having so much fun anymore.
Well played Bravo. I'll be back for more next week. Twisty!