It is just after the Royal Wedding between Kate and Will. I was getting a real sepia toned vibe from the tiny bit of proceedings I watched, but that’s probably because I remember waking up early in the morning in 1981 at age nine and watching Charles and Diana do the very same pomping and frippering. That was a much less celebrity-focused and media bifurcated time, but I guess it was the very first reality show I would see. Such innocence. Today, Kate and Will waved to their subjects from the Buckingham Palace flying buttressed balconies with giant Jumbotron screens staring back at themselves, and over 3 billion people watched, while “Royalty experts” like the Countess were probably hired by some 24 hour cable network to blab about titles and classes and castes and manners. How entirely appropriate for this week’s Housewives of New York, who were boring, awful, and as usual, so covetous of being classy. I’m sure they watched “commoner” Kate with envy in their tiny little hearts. All these ladies want is for everyone to validate how much class they have, and meanwhile, they are like six year olds wrestling over plastic tiara party favors at the princess birthday party.
Cindy seems to have some trouble in the over-sharing department. She has her veneers packed away in her Hermes. It's good at least, that she knows how to pronounce “Hermes.” “Ramona” not so much (“Ramoner,” she says, betraying her Longuyland roots). Poor Cindy. I feel for her, I do. She’s still trying to act like being friends with these crazy bitches is somehow natural. So back to the teeth for a second. Veneers are one of those things that look really expensive and I guess are. Are they dentures? She did have some Fixadent in her Hermes. Weird. I love it when Sonja says, “I have a girlfriend with half her teeth gone, and she still takes steak no problem.” Takes her steak. I do respect that Cindy is honest about the level of effort she makes in order to look good. That must be what happens when you have to talk and think about pubic hair all the time. But the whole fake teeth thing makes me wonder how old she actually is. Is she 70?
The recap continues with Real Housewives 101, after the jump...
Sonja. She is brutal. Acting out the Real Housewives 101 syllabus, taught in fine Universities the world over. Roman Numeral I.) Any potential wound once festering betwixt Housewives should be brought up on camera and have salt ground directly into it. That salty wound this week is the damaged relationship between Ramona and Kelly. So Sonja’s solution to whatever has happened between these two last season on Scary Island is to use another point from the coursework and impose an event or “thing” you invented with your publicist. Sadly, Sonja’s involves cooking in a toaster oven. Random! It appears she will hold a non-disclosure Toaster Oven Cooking Party™, in which she will not tell Ramona or Kelly respectively that the other is coming. The set is staged. I told you Sonja is totally the new Jill!
Vivinenne Tam the designer comes out and murmurs. The ladies try on some dresses. Cindy looks good in them. Sonja too, she’s certainly pretty, and still has that going for her, even if her personality grows uglier with each passing episode. Sonja’s whining because she’s hungry and wants to go to Cipriani. She came all the way downtown in her car with her driver! Cindy is trying to make the best of all of this. She invites Sonja to a party in the Hamptons next weekend. She’ll be doing the party at a horse farm. There will be riding lessons and Jewish people pretending to like them. It will be in Quogue. But Sonja won’t go to Quogue. Its too much a of drive, see, because she’s in Southampton. Sonja is upset about not going to lunch at Cipriani so she will punish Cindy by not going to Quogue. Cindy exits stage left to go to her dentist while Sonja pouts and whines. Sheesh girl, grab a freaking veggie wrap.
Now we’re in the Hamptons for the remainder of the episode. Luann is at home with Victoria, her 15 year-old daughter. LuAnn is explaining her life and schedule with Jacques to the camera. She’s really glad all the summer people are gone, and she has “her” Hamptons back. She’s with Jacques in the city, doing her music (what is she doing with it exactly, I wonder) during the week, going to parties, going shopping. The kids are being watched by a mother’s helper. It’s all good. Not like they need to be with their mom or anything – they’re teenagers! Makes perfect sense. The cameras spend a leeeetle too much time on Jacques and the dog. Boring. I find myself thinking about the Count. Does he see the kids? How’s that whole thing going?
Now we’re with Kelly in the Hamptons in the fall. It’s got all her favorite things: kids dogs and horses. The sunset is so pink. Yay! I think she’d really get along with my four-year old daughter. Kelly and Sonja go riding in fancy outfits and Kelly establishes her dominance. Sonja does her suggestive sexual thing: “I grew up riding,” beat… beat…., “bareback.” Kelly knows what she’s doing and is bossing Sonja around. Scary music! Foreshadowing. Sonja falls off of the horse. And … commercial. This show is so boring they have to make drama out of nothing. And they show her fall again. She’s fine, though she does seem a little out of breath – like she’s had the wind knocked out of her. She and Kelly sit down and have a chat by the fence and beautiful foliage. They connect. Kells and Ramona haven’t spoken since scary island. Sonja brings up her toaster oven thing.
Jill is still in Australia? This is starting to get weird. Is she in jail? Rehab?
Now we’re at LuAnn’s for a top of the long weekend all ladies cocktail party. Is there a theme? If so it’s not obvious, so I think LuAnn’s theme party is this dog walking thing tomorrow. Again Sonja brings up how she’s not doing Quogue. It’s not “in,” explains LuAnn. It’s low rent. Cindy is kind of having trouble getting a word in about her poor little theme party. What’s going on here? She doesn’t like her birthday, but it’s a birthday, but it’s a horse riding party but kids can come but its in Quogue. Why do people keep saying Quogue? Sonja won’t shut the f--- up and let Cindy talk. Quogue Quogue Quogue.
Luann gets a t-shirt from Kelly honoring Native Americans. She really likes Native American jewelry so it’s a really thoughtful gift. She brings Sonja some toaster strudels. Just kidding.
On and on with this party for Cindy. She’s getting a bit hazed. No one’s assistant got the emails. Oooh, Sonja just dissed Cindy by saying her invite went to junk mail. Oh no she didden! Cindy is hating on her.
Here comes Alex in a fur vest. She just spent three hours on the Long Island Expressway either with Simon or Ramona, possibly both. Get this woman a drink! Here is Ramona. Rude rude rude. Cindy hates her -- you can see it in her teeth. Now Ramona is about to attack LuAnn’s parenting. LuAnn is defensive – who wouldn’t be, and will surely diss her later in a confessional.
Cindy tells Kelly what Sonja is up to with operation Toaster Oven Ambush, but she only warns her in a scary way – “don’t bring your kids.” Her thought is that Kelly is such a great mother that she wouldn’t want to put her kids in that position. OK. Maybe don’t bring your kids to a toaster oven party …. at all! Take them to the library or something. But come on Cindy. If you’re going to talk behind people’s backs on camera, you might as well go all the way. Sonja is officially betrayed. I guess Cindy is taking the Housewives 101 syllabus pretty seriously as well. Ramona is making crazy drunk eyes and looks like she is going to eat Cindy. A successful ladies cocktail party for sure.
The following morning, Luann has invited the Housewives to an animal rescue dog walk. Dogs walk. I’m all for animal rescue but I find story lines that focus on dogs pretty boring. Ramona’s stylist is clearly sleeping off a crystal meth binge because Mo-mo is wearing a burgundy Juicy sweatsuit while unconvincingly walking a dog and explaining this whole story with the cigars and Cindy’s brother Howie to LuAnn. She’s very upset, and it’s early in the morning so it’s unlikely but not impossible that she’s drunk. Howie, you remember from the syllabus, is now married to this widow of Ramona’s friend Jeff. And she happens to look just like Cindy. Howie was smoking one of this dead man’s cigars at a wedding, and Ramona went ballistic. Luann is talking Ramona down like she’s a teenager. Maybe she is a good mom. LuAnn is not offending me this episode.
Kelly leaks it back to Sonja that she knows about the Toaster Oven Party Secret Time. God this is soo boring. Kelly knows that she can’t be in a combative situation with Ramona. Kelly looks pretty good in leggings. Ha ha, Sonja is wearing heels on the beach. Here comes Kelly making sand angels!
Ah Noel! Skateboards! Cute. He’s a little entrepreneur. The scene in the skateboarding shop in the Hamptons with the shopkeeper with the beard is more than a little forced. But what isn’t?
Here we are in low rent Quiggity Quoguitty. OMG Howie! Cindy is in her Jewish cowgirl plaid. I don’t even ride horses, she says. Here comes Aggro-Ramona. Do you have Pinot Grigio for me, she demands to Cindy. Oy. She is obnoxious.
I am dying to see LuAnn’s accessories closet.
Ramona ate before she came. Luann clearly thinks Ramona is an alcoholic. I love how Kelly lets her daughter drive the four wheeler with no helmet but was so worried about Sonja’s safety on a horse. Great mom!
Kelly doesn’t want confrontation so she blows off Ramona. Kelly didn’t invite Ramona to some other theme party she is having, and Cindy brings it up in front of both of them. Did she mean to? Cindy is learning!! Go girl.
Oooh Ramona is mad from the Kelly non-invite party situation and on a Turtle Time tear. First she rides a horse and demands it go faster. Then she tries to confront Howie on camera again to talk to him about the cigar incident. Cindy’s poor old Jewish man father looks totally bewildered, while Howie’s Cindy lookalike plaid shirted girlfriend Carol just shakes her head. Ramona continues to berate Howie, while Cindy gets between them. Is someone gonna tackle Ramona or what? Now Ramona is crying. Who was this Jeff Furman? She seems legitimately upset but it just doesn’t seem like working it out through a reality show is really the best call. Maybe call Howie off camera at the Vajazzling Center or take him for lunch at Cipriani.
Is a cigar just a cigar I wonder?
The last line of the show, somehow fittingly, is Cindy’s. “I have a problem with dip,” she says, futzing over a veggie plate while uncomfortably trying to disguise the fail that is her riding theme/birthday/non birthday/Quogue flog. Oh Cindy, put it on your blog.