We have good news, and we have bad news. But first, a bit of background.
When ABC's "The Bachelor" ended last month, we were lost. Completely directionless. So we asked you, our fans, to recommend a new show for us to watch, and the resounding response from
We got excited. We let our walls down, and let the Wives in. Well, for 26 minutes anyway. This is the bad news. The following is a transcript of text messages exchanged Thursday between 10:06 and 10:26 p.m.
Finesse: I miss Brad. These women talk way too fast.
Artistry: At this point, I'm willing to direct all of our ad revenue to [Sheer Elegance] if she agrees to write all of these recaps.
Finesse: This show is awful. The simplicity of the Bachelor is beautiful. This is like trying to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. What is happening?
Artistry: It's terrible. I vote we bail, and let [Sheer Elegance] cover this whenever she wants. Your thoughts?
Finesse: I'm going to give it another segment.
[5 minutes later]
Artistry: [Little Artistry] just started crying. I think he hears this show. I better go apologize.
Finesse: Dude. This is horrible beyond belief. I may have to join you in bailing. I have an actual headache.
Artistry: I'm proud we lasted this long. Never again.
Finesse: I have enough material for a partial post. Will get something up tomorrow and will explain the decision to the readership.
Artistry: I'm going to take 8 advil and chase with vodka.
At that point, we felt like Ashley the Dentist -- vulnerable and full of regrets -- only with less Vidal Sassoon.
Despite lasting for less than half of the show, did we still take notes? You're damn right we did.
- The first thing that stood out is that each of these Wives looked exactly the same. They also talked exactly the same way, which is to say, they talked at warp speed. We had absolutely no idea what was happening during the first 10 minutes, except that a gaggle of middle-aged women were yelling about drama, TURTLETIME!, and someone named Bethenney.
- Jill quickly emerged as the central character on the show, catching flack from Alex for "pretending like nothing happened last year." But based on 26 minutes of viewing, we appreciate Jill's perspective: we suspect that, indeed, literally nothing happened last year.
- The Wives were not without their causes, as Alex encouraged the group to participate in a march for the "ability" to marry, which is, of course, separate and distinct from the "right" to marry. The other Wives then toasted to "less government," as the Obama-tax on acrylics and Crest Whitestrips has seriously infringed upon these Wives' rights to send their kids to multiple private pre-K programs.
- Witty Wive-isms abounded. We were "Jill-ous" of everyone not watching this show.
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