It started out innocently enough. Artistry, a grown man with wife and child, sends me an IM in the middle of the
|Good for at least 100,000 hits. A day.|
By the time the previews started, the theater was brimming with people, I believe 11 in total. Despite the light crowd, we were excited. Artistry believed that the previews were "atrocious", but I'll use a less caustic term and describe them as underwhelming. I'll point out, however, that my personal dictionary defines "whelming" as "the worst previews I've ever seen." Neither of us were interested in "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" (kidding, Artistry said, "I'd see that") nor the one-armed surfer movie, Soul Surfer, in which Carrie Underwood is clearly suffering from ocular constipation.
|She's trying to cry here. You'll have to take our word for it.|
The movie starts by showing many of Justin Bieber's early YouTube videos, like the one where he sings that song by Rihanna's ex-boyfriend and the one where he wears the Maple Leafs' zip up while serenading Usher with lyrics like, "I'm your man. You're my girl."
For guys like us, who literally didn't know anything about Biebs going into this movie, you can tell right away that he does actually have legitimate talent. What also strikes you is that his mom is approximately 17 years old and that he has a sticker on the wall of his bedroom with a right-handed shooting member of what appears to be the Pittsburgh Penguins (see video above).
|Totally shares clothes with Miley!|
|Yeah, I think people will go.|
As we continue to meet J-Bieb and his entourage, we can't help but notice that his handlers are, um, a little too hands on. The tickle-fighting, wrestling, roughhousing, and generally inappropriate touching is probably something that goes on all the time among adolescents, with the only difference here being that the "adolescents" handling Bieber are 6'7'' 320lb bodyguards who look juuuust a little too happy to be playing with the big star. Or, as Artistry puts it succinctly in his notes, "Biebs has very physical relationships with older men. Always getting bum rushed by like 3 dudes."
|Ruben Studdard or Bieber's tickle-fighting opponent? You decide.|
To make this post even slightly relevant to this website, we should point out that Justin's dad is clearly a huge hockey fan, as he is seen in a Team Canada sweater. It's nice to see that his dad, who is not married to his mom, is so involved in Justin's life. I, for one, have no doubt that his love for his son is true and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Just-B is reported to have earned close to $100 million in 2010 alone. BiebFeev also has a Caucasian "big brother figure" in his entourage who appears to serve no purpose beyond screaming all the time. Biebs finds this hilarious, but as Artistry points out, one day it will no longer be funny to Biebs, and this Caucasian big brother figure will have outlived his utility.
|Exactly what our dads looks like.|
We'd be remiss if we didn't talk about The B's music which, while cheesy, is also catchy. He clearly knows how to handle himself on stage or while suspended above the crowd strumming a guitar in heart shaped scaffolding. If I ever have a daughter, I'm putting her on MTV's My Sweet 16 and making her descend upon her party the same way.
Our favorite hit was the instant classic, "Shorty Is An Ini Mini Miny Mo Lova," which is actually a decent tune once you get over the fact that yes, that is the actual title. I like the song because it is a logical prequel to his upcoming albums which will feature the ballad, "Sweetie Look Fly Jumpin' Hopscotch" and his controversial foray into hip-hop, "Playin' Rock-Paper-Scissors Wit' Your Boo."
But this movie was not a complete feel-good story because of one thing, and one thing only: Jaden Smith. He has clearly hitched his wagon to the J-Train, or at least his parents forced him to. Because Jaden probably doesn't know any better, we can't fault him for his excessive pompogance (pomposity + arrogance), but that doesn't make it any more palatable when he laments that he can't get in touch with his parents because they are on a helicopter on the way to his show with Justin at MSG. Artistry nearly left the theater with disgust, but I had a different take: This was Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech come to life.
|Exactly what MLK had in mind.|
Right before his big show, Justin gets advice from Usher that "you won't be 16 forever." Feeling inspired, J-Biebonics decides to impart his own inspiration on the crowd as he goes on stage, screaming at them, "THERE WILL BE TIMES WHEN THEY SAY YOU CAN'T SELL OUT THE GARDEN!!!" I can only speak for myself, but they have never said that to me.
The performance at MSG is magical, except for Jaden Smith, who performs with an electronic blinking heart protruding from his chest. I Googled this device and found that it is actually called an Electronic Ego. It's on sale for $79.99 on Amazon.
|Raising humble kids since 1998.|
As the movie closes, we are reminded once again about his meteoric rise to stardom which, while pretty cool to see, also leaves us wondering whether this story can possibly have a good ending. We're skeptical that Justin can stay grounded while suspended atop crowds of thousands, but he actually does seem like a decent kid with a decent supporting cast. We're rooting for him. And no matter how it plays out, this much we can say -- the ride was a lot more entertaining than we thought it would be. Consider us Bieliebers.