Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Bachelor Pad

By Artistry

It all begins innocently enough. I'm behind the wheel, driving the family to Pittsburgh for the weekend, and Mrs. Artistry launches herself into the backseat to keep Little Artistry company. I don't think this is necessary. He is perfectly content sitting in his car seat and talking to himself. But she's his mother, and who am I to argue. After a few minutes of small talk about milk and his pacifier, Mrs. Artistry gets down to business. She whips out her iPad and turns to our 20-month-old son.

Uh Oh.
Mrs. Artistry: Do you want to watch a show with Mommy?
Little Artistry: Yeah. (He never says "no." To anything.)
Me: What show?
Mrs. Artistry: Bachelor Pad.

I jerk the wheel hard toward oncoming traffic but steady myself quickly. The reflexes are still there. What's my next move here? Do I need to pull this car over right now? Do I just grab the iPad and throw it out the window? Is there even a third option? I steal a glance in my rearview mirror at Little Artistry, so open and innocent, so trusting, and, quite suddenly, it hits me. OF COURSE he should watch the Bachelor Pad! He's the perfect age to absorb a massive amount of information, and upon further reflection, every single thing he needs to know, he can learn from watching this spin-off from the hugely popular Bachelor/Bachelorette series, in which our favorite contestants from those shows come together for another chance at love and $250,000. Why didn't I think of this before? The money we'll save on his college education. Discover the lessons Little Artistry will learn, especially in light of last night's Bachelor Pad finale, after the jump...

What lessons can be learned from Bachelor Pad?  Let's go down the list.

1. If you're not doing something for the right reasons, you may be doing them for the wrong reasons.

For example, look at Ashley and Natalie's disparate takes on the kissing competition challenge in Episode 3.  Ashley was torn about whether to participate in tongue kissing like 8 dudes in a row, explaining, "I'm a high school teacher.  I don't want to lose the respect of my students."  See, she was clearly there for the right reasons.  To, uh, earn the respect of her students.  Natalie, on the other hand, admitted, "I would make out with everyone in this house for, like, 20 bucks."  Hey now.  Wrong reason.

2. Life is a journey.

Take Jake Pavelka.  He went from America's favorite gentleman pilot on Jilian's season of the Bachelorette, to the most boring, stiff, and wrongheaded Bachelor ever, to being exposed as a rage-aholic nutjob on a primetime television special, to an incredibly awkward dance competition judge on the Bachelor Pad finale.  That's kind of like when the Denver Broncos traded a 2010 first round draft pick to Seattle for a second round pick, then traded the guy they took in the second round to Detroit for a seventh round pick (this actually happened).

It's Been Quite a Journey
3. If you choose to go on a reality television show, guard and protect your heart.

You never know when it might come under attack.  Ask poor Tenley, whose walls came crashing down in the face of a full frontal assault by Kiptyn.

Heart = Open
When in doubt, it never hurts to break out the trusty Ali Fedotowsky Hometown Security Advisory System.  Excellent resource.

4. If you can't find love, perhaps it's because you're on a reality television show.

This point was perhaps best illustrated back during a "one on one" date between Jesse B. and Peyton.  As he maneuvered his lady in the direction of the fantasy suite, where all of their dreams would be realized, Jesse let slip an enormous belch.  "When a guy's burping in your face,"  Peyton reminded us, "that doesn't really make you feel special."  

5. People have feelings, even if they are tramps or weathermen.

This was made plain during the "pop quiz" episode, as the producers treated us to a competition where contestants had to answer some deep questions including, "Who is the dumbest girl in the house?", "Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride?", and "Who has the worst boob job?"  Really, I hope the youth of America tuned in for this one.

Has Feelings

6. Share everything.

Don't be selfish.  Make out with everyone in the house.  Then go further.  This is a show about making out with everyone in the house and sharing the experience with America and, in all likelihood, a number of additional nations.  Like that time in the penultimate episode when Kovacs and Elizabeth had this exchange:

Kovacs:  Do you want to get naked?  If you do, that's cool.  Whatever.  Is that awesome?  Or is that...
Elizabeth:  Well it's awesome if we're in love and we're making love...

It's also about up and connecting with people on something more than a superficial level.  Like the time in the finale when Louis, an instructor from Dancing With The Stars tried to teach Dave and Natalie to cha-cha: "Do you guys have sex in ze house? Because that's what cha-cha is."

7. Choose a partner with a sense of humor.

Mrs. Artistry noted last night that Tenley would have an advantage in the dance competition because, "she has dancing in her heart."  Wait, she's now telling me she was serious.

8. Every step counts.  Every minute counts.

Or so the contestants breathlessly reminded us last night during the dance-off, seemingly unaware of the irony that we were spending 120 minutes watching this show.

9. Bad boys need love, too.

10. When your walls come down at just the right moment, you can win $250,000.

This is assuming Dave and Natalie, last night's winners, stay together.  Otherwise, I guess they have to split the pot.  Which leads me to an eleventh point.

11.  Don't be cynical.

Why wouldn't they stay together?

So, you may be wondering, did Little Artistry end up watching "Bachelor Pad" or not?  Let me answer that question with another question:  What kind of parents do you think we are?


  1. I say truely outstanding parents. Keeping Little Artistry awake past bedtime to watch the NHL Network's replay of the Pens/Northstar's Game 6 Cup winning blowout two weeks ago is all the justification you need. Having said that, I'm sure Little Artistry watched Batchelor Pad on that car trip with a pen and paper in hand to write a future guest post.

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