Saturday, August 7, 2010

Penguins' "Not All-Time Team"

By GTOG Staff

The Penguins announced their All-Time Team on Friday, and for the most part it was pretty on-point (current players were excluded).  After all, there are a lot of no-brainers.  We could sit here and nitpick but, 1) it doesn't really matter; and 2) it's much more fun to Wikipedia some of the least relevant, if not the worst, players in Penguins history.  It is in this spirit of commemoration that we present to you our Pittsburgh Penguins' "Not All-Time Team."  These are players we will clearly never forget, because, let's be candid, there is no explanation for why we can still remember them.  Find out who among your old favorites made the cut after the jump...
Pittsburgh Penguins' Not All-Time Team:

Jamie Pushor, D - Played 76 of the most irrelevant games in Penguins history during the 2002-03 season.  He was a -28 and had 4 points.  Wikipedia says he won a Cup with the Red Wings in 1997, but we need to see the ring to believe it.

Krzysztof Artur Oliwa, LW (aka "The Polish Hammer) - Oliwa played a total of 83 games over 2 seasons with the Pens and amassed 36 times more penalty minutes than points (281:5).  His Wikipedia page says that at the end of 2005-06, he took over the Polish National Hockey Program.  Clearly, he's worked wonders for that powerhouse.

Dwight Mathiesen, RW (1985-1988) - Inexplicably, Dwight Mathiasen has a Wikipedia page.  There is not much to it.  There was a bit of excitement when the Pens signed him as a free agent out of the University of Denver.  For like a minute, you thought he might be the wing a young Mario was looking for.  He scored one goal in 33 games. 

Perry Ganchar, RW (1987-1989) - For a minute, you thought he might be the wing a young Mario was looking for.  He had 2 goals in 33 games.  Apparently, everyone has a Wikipedia page.

Kevin LaVallee, RW (1986-1987) - For a minute, you thought he might be the wing a young Mario was looking for.  He had 8 goals in, yes, 33 games.  Wait a minute, that isn't that bad.  Bring back Kevin LaVallee!

Alain Lemieux, C (1986-1987) - Mario's big brother suited up for one game for the Pens.  About mid-way through the first period, Mario signaled to head coach Bob Berry that he had seen enough.  We are making this up, but it actually probably happened.

Ron Duguay, C (1985-1987) - 53 games, 31 points.  Quite a head of hair.  Had body and sheen.  Hard to leave him off the list in light of this debacle:

Zigmund Palffy, RW (2005-2006) - Is he alive?  R.I.P. just in case.

Dick Tarnstrom, D - The two most reliable truisms in all of sports: defense wins championships, and Dick Tarnstrom leading your team in scoring with 52 points doesn't win championships.  Mario used to get 52 points in a playoff series.

Kris Beech, Michael Sivek, Ross Lupaschuk (We don't even want to talk about it) - These guys did not combine to make one decent NHL player.  Good thing we didn't give up anything good to get them.

Alek Stojanov, RW (1995-1997) - Sure, he sucked, but like the threesome above, it's a good thing we didn't give up anything to get him.

Ian Moran, D/W (1994-2003) - Moran was actually a pretty solid role player for the Pens, but he makes this list because many of us spent game nights wishing he would go be a solid role player somewhere else.  But no one can ever take this backhand lead pass away from him:

Milan Kraft, C (2000-2004) - He had a name and a pedigree that made us think he was supposed to be good.  He wasn't good.

Hank Nowak, LW (1973-1974) - No offense, as we never saw him play, but we feel like we need to pay at least some attention to guys from the 1970's.  No points in 13 games.  Come on, Hank Nowak, you're better than that.  Or maybe you weren't, we have no idea.

Glen Sather, LW (1969-1971) - This selection is based solely on the Derek Boogaard signing.

Roberto Romano, G (1982-1994) - Tough to fill the goalie position, because even Not All-Timers need to be memorable, and we don't remember Martin Brochu (1993-1994).  Neither do you.  But we remember Romano, who backstopped some truly awful Penguin teams.  Looking back at his 80's pads, it's amazing little Roberto stopped anything.

Who'd we miss? Let us know in the comments.


  1. How about Ponikarovsky?

  2. I agree with adding Poni -- a bit impatient on our parts, but that's what you get when traded at the deadline.

  3. What about Rico Fata? Wasn't that dude a -49 one year?