Saturday, July 31, 2010

Big Ben: Best Shape of His Life

By Artistry

Ben Roethlisberger wants us to know he's in great shape and ready to play football, even if the only action he'll see for the next two to three months will be on the practice field. That's one of the takeaways from his latest exclusive interview with an at least partially sympathetic local media type, in this case respected Steelers beat reporter Ed Bouchette of the PPG.  If only the beleaguered Ben could have left it at that.

He made a number of additional assertions, including, in no particular order:
  • Ben doesn't normally say so out loud, but Ben is a "yinzer"
  • In Pittsburgh, all yinzers are "like family"
  • Yinzers forgive other yinzers
  • People made up a lot of stories about Ben
  • Ben is actually a really good tipper
  • Ben wants to be like Kobe Bryant, once reviled but now popular
  • Ben is sorry for his mistakes but hopes everyone will just give him a chance
Read GTOG's message to Ben, after the jump...

Ben, take a seat and let GTOG talk to you for a minute.  We get that you are in a tough spot, and it seems like you are under a microscope, and nothing you do or say right now is the right thing.  When you made that prepared statement in the immediate wake of the Georgia allegations, you were criticized for not saying enough, for ignoring the fans and all the people you let down, for seeming distant and uncaring, and for looking like this.

So you tacked hard in the other direction, and you're doing the Pittsburgh sports equivalent of an Oprah Winfrey interview at every opportunity.  We get it.  Now you've reached a point where we need to do some damage control on your damage control.  Try to follow these simple instructions going forward, and you're going to be OK.  Trust us.

1) Don't call us yinzers.  It's patronizing.  Only yinzers can call each other yinzers.
2) Don't try to guilt us into not booing you because we're "family."  Get us all tickets to the Super Bowl and we'll reconsider whether or not we are "like family."
3) Identify another role model who is not Kobe Bryant.  Think Peyton Manning or even Charlie Batch.  You know, someone who has not been accused of rape.
4) Stop acting like it is so difficult to separate Superman from Clark Kent.  
5) Show, Don't Tell.  Honestly, stop talking.  If you want us to think you're a good person, be a good person.  Hey, be a half decent person.  Tip your caddies.  When someone says hello, say hello back.  Take a cue from 66 and simply smile and nod.  We're not really that hung up on this point.  Just stop embarrassing us.  Eventually, if you play well, people are going to give you the chance you're asking for.

To sum up, shut up. If you lose your way again, Ben, don't hesitate to ask for help. We're here all season.   

1 comment:

  1. Artistry,

    Numbers 2 and 3 were AWESOME! I actually did LOL in real life. Keep it coming.